The Artist's Way

Hello there. It's been far too long. Some of the things that are major that have happened in my world are the following:

• I have become a fulltime salaried employee at my job after my office was bought by a new hospice
• My immediate superior has resigned, which I feel mostly grateful for because se is very hard to work with
• My super head boss has also resigned, which is very sad to me because she has been an incredible person to work for and with
• I have still begun a process of looking for a job on the east coast in the same field I'm in now
• My cousin and a couple of her friends are planning a trip out here for June. It's going to be wonderful. My parents have only ever been out here twice. Once to move us out and once for our graduation.
  

I've also begun a group called "The Artist's Way", which is a very involved group at my Unitarian Universalist congregation. Some of the requirements are I have to wake up earlier everyday for 12 weeks and write "Morning Pages" which is three pages of long-hand stream-of-consciousness writing. You just write whatever comes to your mind. It does not have to eloquent or processed. It just has to be...for three pages. I've been fighting my inner critic. And tonight I went for a walk around my neighborhood with my camera and tripod and just took pictures of things I thought were beautiful.

I'm excited about letting my inner artist out to play more. Hopefully, I'll have more to share about that as the weeks roll by.

For now...goodnight.

The Beginning of a Vision

I literally only have a couple of minutes before I have to begin a new week at work. But I wanted to document some of what is developing in my mind as possibilities for my future.

I have begun the very beginning stages of inquiring about Unitarian Universalist Ordination. I have some questions out to the UUA that I'm waiting to hear back about.

I can imagine getting a Ph.D. in gerontology and one of the best I've heard about happens to be at USC which is not that far. In case you're interested, you can find more about that here: http://www.usc.edu/dept/gero/

I can imagine combining the fields of aging and spirituality and discussing the ways in which taking care of the "spirit" in the mind-body-spirit combo, can help with meaning-making and life's purpose.

I recently went to a seminar about successful aging with a co-worker. My co-worker kept laughing at me because I was so excited about happy to be discussing a topic that I'm so passionate about.

I can also imagine teaching sometime in the future in a University setting. But for now, I'm grateful to have the opportunity to work with the people I care for through Hospice. It's practical experience that will give me an important foundation for whatever I do in the future.

More as this develops.

Barack Obama, President Elect!!

I just wanted to write a quick blog before I completely crash for the evening. In a time when I feel lost and confused about so much, I am feeling such a huge sense of relief and awe at the results of this presidential election! I am so proud and grateful and emotionally overwhelmed by everything and I'm feeling politically....hopeful.

This is how I spent this historical election as the reports came in: I was in facebook, an online community, constantly sharing my thoughts, feelings, and responses with friends all across the country and world. It seems so appropriate to have spent this time with an online community because it's such a 21st century thing, and this is our 21st century President! He has been incredible with grassroots campaigning.

Tonight, I shared tears, laughter, and even anger at my idea of disrespect and ignorance. I saw Rev. Jesse Jackson crying. I saw John McCain stop his audience from booing Barack. I learned about the solidarity I feel with many of my friends. I feel hopeful. I feel jealous of my friends who were in Chicago. I feel connected to people. I feel predominantly unified as an American. I feel proud to call myself an American for the first time...perhaps ever.

I am proud to have been part of this major, influential, life-changing historical event!!!

Stagnation

I have been very stressed lately. My office's takeover has been pushed back a month. My paycheck was way too little and we wern't able to pay rent without help from people who we are lucky to have. It'll be better (hopefully) tomorrow because I'll get the rest of my check. But it left me with several hours of freak out on Friday.

On another, much happier note, Dan and I voted yesterday. We voted for Barack Obama, and no on Props 4 and 8 in California. It feels like such an amazing thing to be a part of history. I don't know exactly what's going to happen on Tuesday. But I hope and will even pray that the next four years will be led well by Barack Obama.

Today is the Day of the Dead. It was celebrated in the UU church where we attend. I drummed, sang, danced, listening, named names of loved ones who have passed away, etc. It felt sacred.

I still feel like we could go home, but there are several other thoughts in my mind. 1) I would leave behind a job that means something to me. 2) I would be leaving a few friends that I have made here. 3) I would be leaving behind the school where I went, including the people who still attend who I count among my support network. 4) If I want to pursue Unitarian Univeralist ordained ministry, then CA would be the place to do that, Ventura in particular. I haven't felt this connected in a church since Wrightsboro United Methodist in Wilmington; but my views, beliefs, faith, and ideas no longer fit within that denomination or that church.

Other things in my mind: Dan still hasn't been able to find a job. He admits that part of him wants to go back east too. He doesn't have a job or a community of people where we currently are. So, perhaps, it would be easier to him to move. I don't know. I think, rationally, that we would both experience sadness and gratefulness for going.

Another thing: i found out that another couple we know is going to have a baby. I don't know how to deal with the continued jealousy I feel whenever this happens. It brings me to the title of this blog. Stagnation. I feel like I'm stuck. I want to move forward, but am not exactly where "forward" will be. I do want to be a mom. I feel it more and more. There's is just someting about the idea of raising a child (or children) in a home that promotes love, spirituality, responsible justice and social engagement...and of having a little Wheat-Rivers with curls around. So I do feel jealous of those people in my world who are beginning families.

I don't feel like I'm in a good place in my head right now. I'm just having a sad day. So right now, I'm going to do some exercise, maybe watch a movie, and look further into UU ordination.

Peace.

Choir Delight

Choir was last night at the UU Church, and it was a good surprise. I have become aware of something. The woman who sits beside me is particularly miffed with a woman in the alto section. The alto woman was not there last night, so the negative energy was WAY less than is typical. It was a good surprise because I actually had a good time last night. However, it makes me sad that I am so susceptible to moods.

My friend Kt and I have had discussions about our responses to people's moods and energies. She's a Social Worker and I'm a Spiritual Care and Bereavement Coordinator. She and I both compassionate, empathetic people. Which...can be difficult. Because we work in Hospice and are constantly dealing with high levels of emotion. And that's the thing. It's a blessing and a curse. It's wonderful to be able to it with people in their emotions and support them even if you don't anything you can say or do. But, it's emotionally exhausting, and is the reason I need things like choir to be nurturing.

I wanted to share some of the words from one of my choir's songs. The song is called "Seed to Sow". I wish you could hear the tune. It stirs my heart.

Some people quietly reveal in the manner of the meek
Some people shout the way they feel to a radical degree
Some people sing it to express, while others hear another call
Some people speak with subtleness, some don't rely on words at all

But let me tell you 'bout one thing, I know,
everybody's got a seed to sow
Let your heart of hearts take you down the road
Ev'rybody's got a seed to sow.

We all are pieces of the whole,
with diff'rent feelings to evoke
Giving distinction to the role
diff'rent players, different strokes

Some people walk, some people race
Some people vary in their pace
But God can use what you can give,
within the myst'ry of God's ways


All for now!

I knew this would happen

I knew that regardless of the homesickness felt while in NC, that I would adjust to being back in CA. This, for the most part has been true. I have gotten back into my job, run an event, will be visiting patients, ave been to a memorial service, etc.

Tonight I'm going to a book club and choir practice at the UU church where we just became members. I do fit here. It's so strange, because when I'm in NC, I really feel as though I could stay and, thought I would terrible miss people, that I could live there. But then I come home, and the pain I felt lessens so dramatically that it feels like it was a dream that I ever felt that way.

It's not quite as drastic a drop of feelings as it was when we lived in Claremont/Upland, because we had an even more incredible community there. I think I'll still look up jobs in NC and consider a Chaplain residency at New Hanover Medical Center or some other place near Wilmington.

Another thought I want to share: Choir at CST was way more spiritually nourishing and uplifting than the choir at the UU church. There's so much negative energy. Because of the part that I sing, I'm next to this woman who is constantly throwing out insulting comments out about fellow singers. In particular, she does not care for this one person and is constantly being bitchy. The negative energy is so palpable that I leave feeling frustrated, annoyed, and drained. On the completely other hand, I never flt more uplifted and happy than I did at CST choir. I laughed so much, made silly comments, felt loved...I miss it dreadfully.

And on that longing note, I must get ready for work now. Peace.

Update and NC

This blog is long overdue. It's strange because when I'm out making memories, I actually imagine what I would say in a blog about them. But I have little follow through. So here are some of the realy big things that have happened.

My Hospice Office has been bought out by another company. As of November 1st, we will be Hospice Care of the West. This is my last week with Odyssey Healthcare. I have no idea what the next few weeks or months will bring with this job. But I do know that the other Spiritual Care Coordinator will not be coming with us to the new company. I do not think that it was his decision, but rather the company's. I'm still processing that.

Also at work, A new Social Worker started after I did and she and I hit it off right from the start. We are the same age and have very similar political and social views. Our humors compliment one another. She has already stepped up and taken care of my Izzie kitty when I've needed her and I'm hoping to pay her back by watching her ferrets when she goes home for Thanksgiving.

Last week was a really tough week. Monday, we got a phonecall saying Dan's grandfather had died, so we immediately starting making preparations to go home. We flew overnight Wednesday, hardly slept at all on the way, and got here and stayed with my parents for just a couple of hours. I thought my heart would break leaving them after just a couple of hours.

Then we went to be with Dan's family and support them. I have never felt more a part of their family than I did this weekend. I got to know people a little bit more, and got to hear stories, and got to be there for them, and laugh with them, and just...be. It was wonderful.

Dan had a job interview last week, and though it went extremely well...he didn't get the job. I almost screamed from the unfairness I felt from it. He is amazing and smart and has a freakin' masters degree! What's worse is that we found out the same day of his grandfather's funeral, and the day we found out about the terminal diagnosis of a friend's mom. When we left, Dan's dad gave me a hug, a real hug. He kissed my cheek, told me he loved me, and made me cry. It was so special and meaningful.

Then we went to spend see my cousin at ECU. We saw her apartment, we were taken around campus where she's a sophomore, then took her out to a birthday dinner the day after her 20th birthday! This is something we never would have been able to do before because of the distance. I cried so much on this trip, I feel completely drained of emotion.

One thing I have truly decided. I want to move back to North Carolina. Perhaps to Wilmington in particular. I want and need to be closer to family. This trip truly showed me that. Dan said it. THat if we moved back, it would feel like we were settling down. We both feel that way. And, as scary as that is, it feels like what we want to do. If we lived closer, it would be better when we had kids. This weekend Dan told me how his cousins were closer to his grandfather because Dan and Marc lived further from him when they were little...when the relationships began being formed. If we lived in Wilmington, my parents would be there. Dan's parents would be just a few hours a way. It's cheaper to live there. We like the town. It's near the beach. There are Seasons that mark the passing of the years. Izzie wouldn't have to travel on the plane when we went to see family. We would be CLOSER to family!! We wouldn't miss as much, we could be there to help, we could make memories.

We could move into a new phase of our life. We could be parents in the next few years. Holy crap, that's scary. But still, something that we want. Yesterday Dan started a sentence with, 'When we have kids..." I honestly can't remember what the end of the sentence was...but I remember that sentence and I remember it moved me.

I cried so much on this trip, I feel completely drained of emotion. But I realized several things through when talking to Dan. We DO have amazing community out here in California. But many of our friends and mostly transient. They won't be here permanently (most likely) because they're in school here.

I'm going to be doing research into what it would mean to move back. It may take a year. It may take less. Who knows? But I don't think we will tell the specifics to people (meaning family mostly) until we know more, or decide more. The pain I felt leaving family this weekend...it's self-inflicted. That's what I keep thinking. I'm choosing this. It was a good decision..no, it was a WONDERFUL decision to move to California and to get our masters degrees here. Staying here though, feels like an act of rebellion. Mostly a rebellion against parents and the feeling of making a decision solely because they want it, not because it's the assuredly right thing for us.

More to come, but these are some of the key thoughts that I wanted to get out and share. In the comments section, tell me about times when you made decisions to rebel against family. :)