Theological Ramblings

Today during my CPE group, I was challenged with many difficult and upfront things. This is the first time I'm really beginning to process this, so I want to own that this is raw and new. I presented a Verbatim about a man whose father (the patient) was actively dying. This man used language that reminded me of my own Christian past. He spoke in terms of "believers" and "non-believers", was worried for his dad's soul, sounded judgmental of his family members who were also present, and specifically talked about his nephew who is "Unitarian or something." I felt caught in a difficult place trying to be there for this man and wanting to be true to who I am.

Here's some of what came up from the group discussion: I don't really know what my core beliefs are. I know I wrote my Credo statement in the Fall when I was in a "This I Believe" group at my UU Fellowship. But I still have a difficult time really knowing what I believe. The good thing about my faith is that I have the freedom to explore that. But within that freedom comes a lot of open area within which to live out my life as a person and as a minister.

I also was reminded, yet again, how much I have yet to deal with my fundamentalist Christian past. What am I afraid of? I think I'm still angry at the narrow-mindedness I had when in that place. I look at that time like I was a part of a narrow-minded, ignorant cult. And like I got out of it. But sometimes I wonder if I ended up in a similar system, just on the other end of the liberal-progressive pendulum. I was extremely judgmental as a Christian, and yet I am now judgmental as a UU also. I judge most Christians because I think they are judging others. Round and around it goes!

Questions I want to explore more: What were my core beliefs as a fundamentalist Christian? What of them still resonate true to this day? What core beliefs do I have now that are different and/or new from who I was.

I felt totally at a loss earlier today. I was with a group of people, some I've known almost a year, others I've known less...we've talked about really intimate thoughts and feelings. And yet, I really felt at a loss. I was overwhelmed, I felt like I could cry at any moment, but I didn't want to just then because I was worried I'd be asked to explore them and I didn't feel safe to. I walked out of that room feeling like...I didn't have a clue who I was. I couldn't think straight. Did I want to be alone? Did I want to have lunch with the group? Did I want to go on with other conversations and pretend like I didn't feel like I was in a theological turmoil? Yes. In fact, I wanted to pretend that was the case. But more than that, I wanted that not to BE the case.

I feel like I have a lot of searching to do. I want to figure out more why I'm so scared to share my faith and why I think that sharing it is imposing on others. I still have a lot of anger toward Christianity, but it's not all Christianity. When I think of most of my friends from Seminary and their Christian faith, I feel much more peaceful and hopeful. I think it has to do with being in the south, and maybe Wilmington in particular. I definitely need to explore this. My friend, K, wrote a sermon for his UU Fellowship about making peace with Christianity. I need to do that. Not just with the Christianity of my past, but with myself. I am still me. The person I remember from back then still exists...in me. She's still me. I'm different, I've changed, I think differently, love differently, believe differently. But maybe not in all the ways I think. I wonder how much overlaps more than I wish it did. And I wonder about why I need the separation. My faith says it's open to all spiritual paths. I want to believe that. I want to live that way. And for me to do it for others, I need to begin by doing it for myself.

So much work ahead. But hopefully the path leads to further self-awareness and enlightenment.