Pondering on Sin and a Focus for the New Year

In my current theological frame of mind, I have some varying thoughts about sin. They have changed drastically over the course of my theological evolution. I used to believe wholeheartedly and fearfully in the concept of original sin as posed by a literal reading of the Bible. Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, disobedience by eating the forbidden fruit...BAM...sin. And so on forever since.

But that no longer holds the potency for me it once did. In fact, here's my paragraph regarding sin from my most current Credo statement:

"I believe sin is what happens when we forget to care outside of ourselves and instead treat other people and life forms as lesser than us. I believe that all people are affected by their cultural locations. Where there is poverty, limited choices, hunger and other difficulties there can exist the possibility of repetitive cycles. I believe that it is in these cycles where sin can, and does, prominently exist. I believe the cycle of sin can be broken by the efforts of people and acts of loving kindness focused on equality and justice."

I was recently told that "relative thinking" ("you believe what you choose to believe, and I'll choose what I believe") is a powerful tool of Satan--but Almighty God is sovereign, omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent." Wow. I could not think and believe more differently. Because to me, relative thinking is an opportunity to think outside of oneself and truly hear and embrace another person's point of view. So, in order to make this next statement, I want to be clear that I am, indeed, fully embracing the notion of relative thinking.

Here's my pondering: Is it possible that sin is a relative term befitting the human potential to neglect the worth and dignity of others at any given point in history? Therefore, is sin something that changes throughout the course of history rather than being a set disposition predetermined long ago by people from a holy book that I don't believe is factually true? In such a possibility, I can imagine sin manifesting itself in many different ways in history...through genocide, rape, murder, forced acquiescence to a particular religion/political view, closed-mindedness, hate. This is what religion has the potential to, and in my view, the responsibility to stand up against.

But there are such varying ways to consider approaching this. One thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of another is the hope that every kindness, every moment of love, peace, compassion and understanding, will make a difference. Thich Nhat Hanh writes, "The energy of mindfulness is a real energy, and wherever energy is applied, there is change." I believe in this energy, and I'm exploring new modes of prayer from this. In this coming year, I want to intentionally practice focusing on the energies of love, peace, compassion and understanding. And I want to work in small and large ways to increase their prevalence in this hurting world.

One more thing. I don't refer to the Bible as a historically accurate text, but that does not mean that I don't find value in it. Many people might refer to me as a "buffet style" religious person. At one point in my life, this was one of the singular most negative things I could be. But now, I'm seeing it as an accurate portrayal of who I am. I accept the fact that it's not a bad thing at all. It's just who I am. I do pick and choose among many different religions to piece together a singular whole that is right for me. A Seminary colleague said to me today, "God is the source of our diversity and is certainly big enough to embrace and accept that diversity, to reach us in whatever way will work for us."

And I absolutely do believe that the God of my understanding is right there with me in my search.

Theological Ramblings

Today during my CPE group, I was challenged with many difficult and upfront things. This is the first time I'm really beginning to process this, so I want to own that this is raw and new. I presented a Verbatim about a man whose father (the patient) was actively dying. This man used language that reminded me of my own Christian past. He spoke in terms of "believers" and "non-believers", was worried for his dad's soul, sounded judgmental of his family members who were also present, and specifically talked about his nephew who is "Unitarian or something." I felt caught in a difficult place trying to be there for this man and wanting to be true to who I am.

Here's some of what came up from the group discussion: I don't really know what my core beliefs are. I know I wrote my Credo statement in the Fall when I was in a "This I Believe" group at my UU Fellowship. But I still have a difficult time really knowing what I believe. The good thing about my faith is that I have the freedom to explore that. But within that freedom comes a lot of open area within which to live out my life as a person and as a minister.

I also was reminded, yet again, how much I have yet to deal with my fundamentalist Christian past. What am I afraid of? I think I'm still angry at the narrow-mindedness I had when in that place. I look at that time like I was a part of a narrow-minded, ignorant cult. And like I got out of it. But sometimes I wonder if I ended up in a similar system, just on the other end of the liberal-progressive pendulum. I was extremely judgmental as a Christian, and yet I am now judgmental as a UU also. I judge most Christians because I think they are judging others. Round and around it goes!

Questions I want to explore more: What were my core beliefs as a fundamentalist Christian? What of them still resonate true to this day? What core beliefs do I have now that are different and/or new from who I was.

I felt totally at a loss earlier today. I was with a group of people, some I've known almost a year, others I've known less...we've talked about really intimate thoughts and feelings. And yet, I really felt at a loss. I was overwhelmed, I felt like I could cry at any moment, but I didn't want to just then because I was worried I'd be asked to explore them and I didn't feel safe to. I walked out of that room feeling like...I didn't have a clue who I was. I couldn't think straight. Did I want to be alone? Did I want to have lunch with the group? Did I want to go on with other conversations and pretend like I didn't feel like I was in a theological turmoil? Yes. In fact, I wanted to pretend that was the case. But more than that, I wanted that not to BE the case.

I feel like I have a lot of searching to do. I want to figure out more why I'm so scared to share my faith and why I think that sharing it is imposing on others. I still have a lot of anger toward Christianity, but it's not all Christianity. When I think of most of my friends from Seminary and their Christian faith, I feel much more peaceful and hopeful. I think it has to do with being in the south, and maybe Wilmington in particular. I definitely need to explore this. My friend, K, wrote a sermon for his UU Fellowship about making peace with Christianity. I need to do that. Not just with the Christianity of my past, but with myself. I am still me. The person I remember from back then still exists...in me. She's still me. I'm different, I've changed, I think differently, love differently, believe differently. But maybe not in all the ways I think. I wonder how much overlaps more than I wish it did. And I wonder about why I need the separation. My faith says it's open to all spiritual paths. I want to believe that. I want to live that way. And for me to do it for others, I need to begin by doing it for myself.

So much work ahead. But hopefully the path leads to further self-awareness and enlightenment.