Honesty at the Risk of Perfection

I did a psychological/career assessment earlier this year. After just a couple of days, I gained new insight about myself that I've continued to mull over since that time. For instance, I learned why Chaplaincy seems like such a vocational fit beyond "it just feels right." It's flexible and I get to develop relationships with people, etc. Some ideas, like this one, became clear almost immediately. Other results of the test have become more understandable only over time and continued life experience. Here's my most recent, yet difficult to admit, epiphany.

Part of the results of the personality-type portion of the test explained that I have a difficult time in situations where I don't feel like I can present myself as together/organized/on top of things. I brushed this off at the time, but have come to see it's revealing truths in various situations. To the outside world, whichever "world" it is, I want to look like I'm funny, energetic, organized, and pulled together. This has been true at my job, my church, and in my family. It's only with Dan and very close friends that I let myself fall apart. Or at least be less than the "perfect side" of myself I try to present to the world. This is even worse when I not only have to admit vulnerability, but be cared for and helped.

This came to a head yesterday when I was at work experiencing difficulty breathing. It had been going on for days (Yes, days. I'm terrible about admitting when something is wrong). One of my nurses remarked about how I had been sighing all day. I ended up telling her that I wasn't sighing, but rather trying to take really deep breaths and seemed unable to. She came over and was soon followed by three others from work. With their encouragement (read: *insistence*), I called a doctor, and was seen that afternoon, had things checked, and nothing distressing or worrisome was discovered. (More about that at another time as I may need to go back to find out more).

However, the moments where I was vulnerable and the center of attention at work made me feel supremely uncomfortable. And exposed. And frustrated. Here I was, in a place where I try to exemplify the qualities of organization, creativity, compassion, knowledge in my field, teamwork, etc, and I was in a moment where none of that was the focus and I felt frantic. I know this sounds extreme, and looking back I see that it was. But there is more at work here.

In my CPE Residency, it was brought to my attention that I am particularly terrible at giving myself grace or offering myself forgiveness. I encourage others to focus on self-care, to take time out, to get checked when things are wrong, and to let others help. But boy are those very things that I am terrible at doing. I think it comes down to a deep feeling that people only love and care about my "together" self. As I said, I have a wonderful husband and loving friends who I have let inside the façade of togetherness. Just this year, I have shared a more open, well-rounded, honest part of myself with my mom and the results have been beautiful. But it's not easy and changing (where healthy) won't happen overnight.

I wonder whether allowing myself grace and acceptance for the times when I'm overwhelmed, burnt out, tired and disorganized will help me stave off reaching the point of collapse. Where I want to shut out the world and recuperate until I can smile, laugh, and gather myself into the person I feel proudest to share.

I've had some really incredible examples of people who have brought less than their best self into situations where they've still been valuable contributors. And their best selves always arrive again in time. I don't love them any less when they share another side of themselves. In fact, it feels like a relief.

If someone else in my office had been having a difficult time breathing, you can bet I would have been by their side encouraging support and care where I could. A friend of mine who is also a Chaplain told me once that she has a prayer she says before she makes visits: "Let me bring 100% of what I have to this situation." Not 100% of all that I could be ever, but 100% of what I have to offer at that moment in time. It's much more realistic and freeing.

Hopefully this new and deeper understanding of myself will aide me in becoming more forgiving of myself and offering myself grace to accept my very human well-roundedness.

But I do have some peeves. Oh yes. I do. I've noticed that with several people, when I have had a moment of breakdown and let myself be cared for, then I feel a shift in our relationship. Literally, four people come to mind, who seem to treat me as though I'm forever broken afterward. They tread warily around me and talk to me in the soothing tones one might adopt when trying to keep an animal calm. Instead of asking, "Hey! How're you doing?" the next time we meet (regardless of how many days/weeks later it is) they tilt their heads to the side and ask gently with a furrowed brow, "You okay...?" voice hitching uncertainly at the end. Sometimes I get really irritated and just want to say, "You mean because three weeks ago I was upset about something? Yes, I'm okay now! I haven't been wallowing over the same thing since we last talked!"

Another peeve. Please, helpers in future situations, notice when it's all just too much. Yesterday, I was sitting at my desk at work and four or five people were inside my cube (teeny thing that it is) all telling me what I needed to do at that moment. Please remember that the issue was not being able to breathe deeply. Do YOU think the added anxiety and pressure from everyone was helping? If you answered "No!" then you get a cookie. But you have to get it yourself. But I do give you permission. Go ahead. I'll wait.......










We good? Good. Moving on.

Another bit of venting before I round out this blog! One of my co-workers was even listening in when I was on the phone with the doctor and later my mom when I was calling her to get a ride to the appointment. Just give me a second to be on the phone without interrupting, trying to get my attention and telling me something. It was all just too much at that moment in time. Or maybe anytime. But it was a lot. There's a phrase in Chaplaincy I've probably written about before. It's called "non-anxious presence." My co-workers were definitely not practicing that yesterday.

However, they were demonstrating care, love, concern, sweetness, compassion and others offers of help. And I will continue to feel deeply grateful to work with such amazing women. These are the women I care for hospice patients with. I was a recipient of their love and can explain firsthand how much their care meant...when I calmed down and let myself finally feel it.

Life's a process. And onward it goes... :)