Yesterday news reports and social media were overwhelmed with the information that Robin Williams had died in an apparent suicide. I'm fully aware that I'm not alone in deeply feeling his loss. He was a beautifully creative, quick-witted, and hilarious man whose life changed people. Some of the movies he was in altered my life, stirred up emotions, and had me laughing until my stomach hurt. Some of the roles I'll never forget were from The Dead Poet's Society, Mrs. Doubtfire, Aladdin, Good Will Hunting, Hook, The Birdcage, Good Morning Vietnam, Jumanji, and What Dreams May Come.
Robin Williams is someone Dan and I both liked at the beginning of our relationship; someone we talked about and shared movie experiences with. We joked about him being so fuzzy that he could have been the missing link.
What has me even more reflective this morning is knowing that he suffered from Depression. I can painfully relate, having been through 5-6 Major Depressive Episodes throughout my life. Each time has been devastating and has brought me to a core of pain and feelings of worthlessness. I have become better at recognizing the symptoms at the beginning of an episode, and have gratefully created mechanisms of coping. But every time, the process is completely draining and it takes every ounce of my energy to continue doing everyday things - like preparing food, waking up, going to work...
This whole situation with Robin Williams makes me think though. We never truly know the depths and struggles going on with other people. When someone says to me, "You're always so happy!" it makes me a little sad because I figure that means we don't know each other well. The people who know me are the friends that I can be honest with when my mood isn't "fit for company." They're the ones I can still be around anyway. A quote I appreciate that seems especially appropriate right now is, "Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind always." (Ian Maclaren)
I worry though. When I hear about suicides from people who also suffer from Depression, it scares me. All I can do is hope that during any future episodes, I'll be able to utilize the care of people who love me and embrace the coping mechanisms I've learned over the years.
In the meantime, I say to Robin: May your soul be at rest. You will be missed. And, as the Academy posted last night, "Genie, you're free."
Showing posts with label Unsettled. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Unsettled. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Feeling Unlike Myself
I'm a bit stumped for the moment on The Right to Write. I never got past one of the assignments and it's been holding me up. So I think I'll move forward soon, allowing myself the grace to skip over this roadblock.
I also have just not felt like myself lately. I think I may have an inner ear infection. I go to the doctor this afternoon to find out for sure. I am running on a constant, low-level dizziness. Pain and pressure. Clumsiness. Dis-ease. I've also been very tired and waking up feeling unrested. I sincerely hope an inner ear infection is as bad as it might be. I would very much like to be feeling better soon. Dan is off this weekend, which is a rarity, and I certainly don't want to sleep the entire time.
I don't really have a purpose in this blog post, for which I apologize to anyone who might be here reading it. I just feel...odd. Separate. Unwell. I'm having a very hard time concentrating, and I'm trying to focus well enough to write elsewhere for work. I hoped that by writing here, by dislodging some of the confusion, I could reign in my errant thoughts and bring them into some sense of order.
No such luck.
However, I did find it fun to write and type when nothing was dependent on it more than getting out what was in my head.
Here goes my second attempt at writing for work. Thanks for visiting. Hopefully your next stop by will come with a more fun/inspiring/insightful read.
Blessings,
Kelley
I also have just not felt like myself lately. I think I may have an inner ear infection. I go to the doctor this afternoon to find out for sure. I am running on a constant, low-level dizziness. Pain and pressure. Clumsiness. Dis-ease. I've also been very tired and waking up feeling unrested. I sincerely hope an inner ear infection is as bad as it might be. I would very much like to be feeling better soon. Dan is off this weekend, which is a rarity, and I certainly don't want to sleep the entire time.
I don't really have a purpose in this blog post, for which I apologize to anyone who might be here reading it. I just feel...odd. Separate. Unwell. I'm having a very hard time concentrating, and I'm trying to focus well enough to write elsewhere for work. I hoped that by writing here, by dislodging some of the confusion, I could reign in my errant thoughts and bring them into some sense of order.
No such luck.
However, I did find it fun to write and type when nothing was dependent on it more than getting out what was in my head.
Here goes my second attempt at writing for work. Thanks for visiting. Hopefully your next stop by will come with a more fun/inspiring/insightful read.
Blessings,
Kelley
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
In a Holding Pattern
I feel the need to vent a little about a cyclical problem I'm having. It's going to take a little back story, so please be patient while I get to the current issue.
I began seminary in August 2005. At the time I called myself a "disgruntled Methodist." I was raised in the United Methodist Church and it was a wonderful place to grow up. My church of origin was full of love and support. However, as I began being introduced to new ideas and religious perspectives in college, my worldview and religious views began to morph and transform. The end result was that scholarly views of reading the Bible made more sense to me than an inerrant, infallible reading. Learning about Biblical stories in their historical context changed how I viewed them. They retained meaning, but with new depth built upon history, reason, and years of scholarly research. However, what I learned in school did not match what was/is taught in most Christian churches. Bishop John Shelby Spong wrote in his recent article for Huffington Post "The contrast between the way the Bible is understood in the academic world and the way it is viewed in our churches is striking." In my experience, this is very much true. I have found a spiritual connection in the academic world more so than in most churches.
But I digress...
After graduating from college, I spent a year in the work force doing a job that was a very poor fit. For those of you who know me well, imagine me sitting in a cube all day calculating numbers from various formulas. The primary person-to-person interactions I had with coworkers occurred when things went wrong. And I had a very conflict avoiding boss who would leave sticky notes on people's desks rather than talk to them face to face to resolve problems. What this did was inspire me to look ahead and try to find something better. I began applying to seminaries. I knew if I got in, I would be moving away from North Carolina as the four schools were in California, Colorado, New Jersey, and Georgia. The best fit by far was Claremont school of Theology in California. After hearing back from all the schools, I started at Claremont and began my education as "a disgruntled Methodist" as mentioned above.
What I mean by that phrase is, I still considered myself a part of my church of origin, but no longer felt it was a good fit. And when people asked me what church I belonged to, I felt the need to explain further. "I'm United Methodist, but..." For example, "I'm United Methodist, but I'm my church is against having openly gay clergy and I think that's wrong." That was the largest point of contention. But it was more than that. I found myself inspired by multiple religions and wanted a place where this concept was not only tolerated but accepted and encouraged. In seminary was where I met my first Unitarian Universalists. The more I learned over the years, the better a fit it seemed.
Here's more...
When I began my time at CST, I was in the Masters of Divinity (MDiv) program. When I began pastoral care classes, I sought to change my degree to an Master of Arts in Pastoral Care and Counseling. I spoke with the admissions counselor, who was the person I needed to go through in order to make this change. She strongly discouraged me from doing so. Her primary reason for trying to persuade me otherwise was that most faith groups required an MDiv for any type of ordination. One known exception was the United Methodist Church who required their ordained Deacons to have a masters degree, but not necessarily an MDiv.
Now here's where the problem really begins. Because of my headstrong, you-can't-tell-me-what's-best-for-me attitude, I changed degree programs anyhow. I reasoned that I did not feel called to ordination and that if I changed my mind or felt something different in the future, then I could become a UMC Deacon.
I continued in my degree program, taking the most remarkable classes from very interesting and intelligent professors. I embraced my first role as a Chaplain at Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center and Orthopedic Hospital. I learned so much about Chaplaincy and myself during that CPE internship. I went on to be a Pastoral Counseling Intern at The Clinebell Institute. Ultimately, I learned that pastoral care and chaplaincy was a better fit for me than formal counseling.
I completed my degree, having worked hard to more fully learn about pastoral care and counseling in my classes and experiences. I still did not feel a call to ordination. As graduation neared, I was searching desperately for a job. At that time, Dan came across a poster advertising a Hospice Bereavement Coordinator position in Palm Springs. I interviewed for the job, but did not get it. However, that experience led me the company that ultimately became my first hospice employer.
I officially went into to Chaplaincy and grew in my pastoral identity while caring for people in very emotional and heart-wrenching times. I gained confidence in my ability to be calm in the midst of chaos and to provide spiritual care for a people from various religious backgrounds. I have since worked at a second hospital through a CPE Residency Program and am currently working as a Hospice Chaplain and Bereavement Coordinator. The job, company, and my coworkers are an incredible fit. I feel like I am able to bring my education, experience, personality, and intuition to my job on a daily bases.
However, I am still not ordained. And I am now strongly feeling a call to become so. In the UUA, the process is called Fellowshipping, where I would be officially endorsed by our governing body.
But there are many obstacles. Which brings me to the present and the reason for this post in the first place. And because I like lists and they help me sort through things, here is my list of woe. (Dramatic aren't I?)
And the final side of this (for now) is that in addition to all of the above, Dan and I both want to start a family in the near-ish future. But we currently can't afford to and if I pursue all of the above, it's going to push off us starting a family even longer. This is something I become more potently aware of each time I learn another friend is pregnant for the first and sometimes the second time.
So I feel stuck. And sad. I want to be fully embraced as clergy. As it is, even though I do ministry daily, I feel "less than" other ministers because of my lack of title. I don't feel like I should wear clergy collars or robes. I call myself a Chaplain, but am reluctant to introduce myself as a Minister. And I'm not fully connected in the UU Church like I want to be. I'm not fully supported or endorsed.
When I met with people from the Ordination Office of the UUA, they said people being landlocked was the biggest problem people had in moving forward with ministry aspirations. I certainly fit into that grouping. And truly, I get so overwhelmed by it all that it's difficult take the next step. Or even figure out what the next step is.
As of today I've contacted the Ministerial Credentialing Director Unitarian Universalist Association to see if we can talk via the phone or skype to figure out what my next step will be. I just hope that when the time comes for me to make a decision about what's next, I'll be able to do so...
I began seminary in August 2005. At the time I called myself a "disgruntled Methodist." I was raised in the United Methodist Church and it was a wonderful place to grow up. My church of origin was full of love and support. However, as I began being introduced to new ideas and religious perspectives in college, my worldview and religious views began to morph and transform. The end result was that scholarly views of reading the Bible made more sense to me than an inerrant, infallible reading. Learning about Biblical stories in their historical context changed how I viewed them. They retained meaning, but with new depth built upon history, reason, and years of scholarly research. However, what I learned in school did not match what was/is taught in most Christian churches. Bishop John Shelby Spong wrote in his recent article for Huffington Post "The contrast between the way the Bible is understood in the academic world and the way it is viewed in our churches is striking." In my experience, this is very much true. I have found a spiritual connection in the academic world more so than in most churches.
But I digress...
After graduating from college, I spent a year in the work force doing a job that was a very poor fit. For those of you who know me well, imagine me sitting in a cube all day calculating numbers from various formulas. The primary person-to-person interactions I had with coworkers occurred when things went wrong. And I had a very conflict avoiding boss who would leave sticky notes on people's desks rather than talk to them face to face to resolve problems. What this did was inspire me to look ahead and try to find something better. I began applying to seminaries. I knew if I got in, I would be moving away from North Carolina as the four schools were in California, Colorado, New Jersey, and Georgia. The best fit by far was Claremont school of Theology in California. After hearing back from all the schools, I started at Claremont and began my education as "a disgruntled Methodist" as mentioned above.
What I mean by that phrase is, I still considered myself a part of my church of origin, but no longer felt it was a good fit. And when people asked me what church I belonged to, I felt the need to explain further. "I'm United Methodist, but..." For example, "I'm United Methodist, but I'm my church is against having openly gay clergy and I think that's wrong." That was the largest point of contention. But it was more than that. I found myself inspired by multiple religions and wanted a place where this concept was not only tolerated but accepted and encouraged. In seminary was where I met my first Unitarian Universalists. The more I learned over the years, the better a fit it seemed.
Here's more...
When I began my time at CST, I was in the Masters of Divinity (MDiv) program. When I began pastoral care classes, I sought to change my degree to an Master of Arts in Pastoral Care and Counseling. I spoke with the admissions counselor, who was the person I needed to go through in order to make this change. She strongly discouraged me from doing so. Her primary reason for trying to persuade me otherwise was that most faith groups required an MDiv for any type of ordination. One known exception was the United Methodist Church who required their ordained Deacons to have a masters degree, but not necessarily an MDiv.
Now here's where the problem really begins. Because of my headstrong, you-can't-tell-me-what's-best-for-me attitude, I changed degree programs anyhow. I reasoned that I did not feel called to ordination and that if I changed my mind or felt something different in the future, then I could become a UMC Deacon.
I continued in my degree program, taking the most remarkable classes from very interesting and intelligent professors. I embraced my first role as a Chaplain at Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center and Orthopedic Hospital. I learned so much about Chaplaincy and myself during that CPE internship. I went on to be a Pastoral Counseling Intern at The Clinebell Institute. Ultimately, I learned that pastoral care and chaplaincy was a better fit for me than formal counseling.
I completed my degree, having worked hard to more fully learn about pastoral care and counseling in my classes and experiences. I still did not feel a call to ordination. As graduation neared, I was searching desperately for a job. At that time, Dan came across a poster advertising a Hospice Bereavement Coordinator position in Palm Springs. I interviewed for the job, but did not get it. However, that experience led me the company that ultimately became my first hospice employer.
I officially went into to Chaplaincy and grew in my pastoral identity while caring for people in very emotional and heart-wrenching times. I gained confidence in my ability to be calm in the midst of chaos and to provide spiritual care for a people from various religious backgrounds. I have since worked at a second hospital through a CPE Residency Program and am currently working as a Hospice Chaplain and Bereavement Coordinator. The job, company, and my coworkers are an incredible fit. I feel like I am able to bring my education, experience, personality, and intuition to my job on a daily bases.
However, I am still not ordained. And I am now strongly feeling a call to become so. In the UUA, the process is called Fellowshipping, where I would be officially endorsed by our governing body.
But there are many obstacles. Which brings me to the present and the reason for this post in the first place. And because I like lists and they help me sort through things, here is my list of woe. (Dramatic aren't I?)
- The Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA) requires an MDiv or its educational equivalent for ordination/fellowshipping
- As stated above, I have an MA in Pastoral Care and Counseling rather than an MDiv, which is more of a problem than you'd think. In order to prove I have the educational equivalent, I would likely have to take classes online from one of the two UU seminaries which I currently cannot afford.
- The UUA also requires a church internship for ordination/fellowshipping
- As I mentioned, I have completed two internships and a residency in ministry. But I have not interned at a church.
- To get an internship at a church I would probably need to move because the only church locally is the one I am a member of, and I've been told (understandably) that I could not be an intern there because I am too connected and people could not be impartial toward me.
- To move, I would have to leave my current job which I love and get a significant level of satisfaction from.
- Moving would also take me away from my family, who were the big reason I moved to begin with.
- All this would be to gain the title of the Rev. Kelley Wheat-Rivers
- But the end result would be that I would want a job exactly like the one I already have and am loathe to leave.
- If something should happen to my current job or company, I would, of course need to pursue work elsewhere. And the fact is that most Chaplaincy positions require ordination/denominational endorsement. It just so happened that my current position did not.
And the final side of this (for now) is that in addition to all of the above, Dan and I both want to start a family in the near-ish future. But we currently can't afford to and if I pursue all of the above, it's going to push off us starting a family even longer. This is something I become more potently aware of each time I learn another friend is pregnant for the first and sometimes the second time.
So I feel stuck. And sad. I want to be fully embraced as clergy. As it is, even though I do ministry daily, I feel "less than" other ministers because of my lack of title. I don't feel like I should wear clergy collars or robes. I call myself a Chaplain, but am reluctant to introduce myself as a Minister. And I'm not fully connected in the UU Church like I want to be. I'm not fully supported or endorsed.
When I met with people from the Ordination Office of the UUA, they said people being landlocked was the biggest problem people had in moving forward with ministry aspirations. I certainly fit into that grouping. And truly, I get so overwhelmed by it all that it's difficult take the next step. Or even figure out what the next step is.
As of today I've contacted the Ministerial Credentialing Director Unitarian Universalist Association to see if we can talk via the phone or skype to figure out what my next step will be. I just hope that when the time comes for me to make a decision about what's next, I'll be able to do so...
Saturday, July 10, 2010
A Restful Day & Geographical Ponderings
Today I deliberately slept in. I didn't go to bed until about 1 and slept in 'til 11. It was wonderful. I reheated a lovely stuffed pepper, watched the latter half of a TV Movie, and am now listening to Harry Potter 7 while typing this blog. Later today I'm going to a movie for the first time in a long while.
Today I'm also feeling jealous of a friend of mine. K just arrived in Berkeley, CA, about to begin the next phase of his life in Grad school there. I really miss California. I'm going to type out my honest thoughts right now, though not really being sure what they are. So here we go...
I don't think living in Wilmington, NC is adventurous enough for me. When in California, I really loved living there. I loved telling people in NC, "I live in California." The shock and impressed look on the people's faces made me feel proud. Yes, I did move all the way across the country from where I grew up. Yes I did begin a life elsewhere. I felt so awesome! Now...When people ask me where I group up and I say, "Here." Blech. It feels awful. Because it's not readily clear that I moved so far away and explored the world outside of Wilmington! Which I have!
I do want to move. But I also feel tied to my family. I like having the random days hanging out with my mom. I like being able to be a part of family things. But...but...I still don't want to be here. When we were planning to move, I really thought I would love it here. I truly did. But I think it took moving here for me to realize that this is not where I want to settle down. I'm not sure I want to settle in general.
Where do I want to live? California is still a huge part of my heart. I also really love Oregon. But, as I said above, I feel too tied to family to move that far away again. It makes me feel resentful. I think I would like to live in the mountains of North Carolina. Perhaps somewhere around Asheville. I definitely would love to live where waterfalls are easily accessible. I'm not really sure where else might be on the list. I often take the quiz on findyourspot.com, but am not really sure about whether or not I'd want to move to any of the places that come up.
Ugh. Feeling unsettled and ready for adventures!!
Today I'm also feeling jealous of a friend of mine. K just arrived in Berkeley, CA, about to begin the next phase of his life in Grad school there. I really miss California. I'm going to type out my honest thoughts right now, though not really being sure what they are. So here we go...
I don't think living in Wilmington, NC is adventurous enough for me. When in California, I really loved living there. I loved telling people in NC, "I live in California." The shock and impressed look on the people's faces made me feel proud. Yes, I did move all the way across the country from where I grew up. Yes I did begin a life elsewhere. I felt so awesome! Now...When people ask me where I group up and I say, "Here." Blech. It feels awful. Because it's not readily clear that I moved so far away and explored the world outside of Wilmington! Which I have!
I do want to move. But I also feel tied to my family. I like having the random days hanging out with my mom. I like being able to be a part of family things. But...but...I still don't want to be here. When we were planning to move, I really thought I would love it here. I truly did. But I think it took moving here for me to realize that this is not where I want to settle down. I'm not sure I want to settle in general.
Where do I want to live? California is still a huge part of my heart. I also really love Oregon. But, as I said above, I feel too tied to family to move that far away again. It makes me feel resentful. I think I would like to live in the mountains of North Carolina. Perhaps somewhere around Asheville. I definitely would love to live where waterfalls are easily accessible. I'm not really sure where else might be on the list. I often take the quiz on findyourspot.com, but am not really sure about whether or not I'd want to move to any of the places that come up.
Ugh. Feeling unsettled and ready for adventures!!
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