First World Problems

One of the events that takes up part of my life is a bi-monthly small group called a "Chalice Circle." At this group, we discuss various topics that are personal and increase in depth each week. Most of the time the group has discussed events from our pasts. However, at our most recent meeting we discussed "What is going on currently in your life? What's exciting you? What's worrying you? What are the most important things taking up your time and energy?"

I vastly appreciated the opportunity to discuss this topic. We shared, listened, and learned more about one another. Eventually, our topic evolved into discussions about transitions. Various members of the group are facing significant transitions. I specify "significant" because in an ethereal sense, life is in continuous transition. Some changes had to do with vocations and trying to seek the "what's next" with increased fervor and excitement. At one point in the discussion, a member of the group remarked, "These are very 'first world' problems." Meaning, that in our group and in our culture, we have the luxury to explore higher callings because our basic needs are most often taken care of. I'm potently aware that not everyone in this country and culture could say that they have their needs met, but it seems to be true within my small group. All the more reason that I feel like I need to snip out my complaining and embrace what I have. Realizing as much helped me gain a bit of perspective that even on my difficult days, I am still living a life that is remarkably fulfilling.

As a child and youth, I had this incredible sense of hopefulness, optimism, and joy. I fully believed that I would fly off and change the world someday! As an adult, I've been jaded by greed, hatefulness and the like. And yet, I still believe I'll make a difference, even if on a smaller scale than I once imagined. It's helpful for me to remember my rosy glasses of youth though. To write about it, talk about it, and otherwise share it with others. Because, as with my previous faith group, that bubbly idealist still lives within me. And she wants to thrive and live and shine!

So I've gained perspective, increased my gratitude, and wanted to share with others the value of having "first world problems."

To Dream, Wonder and Imagine

Currently, I'm in a CPE Residency program. For two Units I was under the supervision of a woman, E. I got pretty close to her during that time, learning about myself and exploring my vocational calling. For the third Unit of my Residency, we changed supervisors. My new supervisor, C, has been a relative unknown over the past several months. Quiet, but when she spoke, I always noticed a depth. It intrigued me. I decided to choose openness when approaching this new supervisory relationship.

I'm not quite sure why, but I already feel more comfortable with C. I find it easy to be honest and truthful with her. But I think my favorite side effect of this new relationship is her encouragement for me to dream. After our last meeting, she told me she wanted me to take some time and stop thinking about my vocational calling in terms of jobs that I knew about. Rather, she wanted me to dream with no boundaries. I was fascinated and excited! I approached it as a new spiritual practice, often using my journal as the recipient.

Over the next few days, however, I learned something that was both surprising and discouraging. I learned that it's so much harder for me to dream than it used to be! I had no idea! But over the last several years, voices (from myself and internalized from others) have battered me with questions like, "What are you going to do?" "How is that practical?" "How will you make a living with that?" and so forth. I increasingly felt inadequate when I couldn't answer. I used to dream and not try to figure out those answers right away. And I made leaps of faith that turned into some of the best decisions of my life. But during this last week, I had to consistently battle that voices of reason, doubt, and skepticism. The truth is, while I want to be a responsible adult, I don't want to be "reasonable" all the time. I was to dance, play, dream, laugh, wonder and imagine! No barriers!

How will I know if the ideal situation comes along if I haven't let myself dream what that would look like?

For this unit, I made some of the most personal goals of all four units of my CPE history. They are as follows:

1) I want to learn to be more self-aware
2) I want to more fully embrace my own uniqueness
3) I would like to learn more about my gifts for ministry (and I would like to add "for life") and how to develop them

Among the steps for each of these goals are: to do things that regularly connect me to myself like play, color, draw, sing, dance, drum, imagine, read, and do yoga and to be honest and truthful in my interactions. My goals feel like me. I was worried when I presented them because I felt vulnerable. But my group had no qualms about them. This was an example of a time when I felt leery about sharing something because I thought I would be criticized. Instead, it was no big deal. I really do think that I worry more than is necessary.

And the prescription for my worry? For now it's to dream, wonder and imagine...