Izzie

Today, Dan and I had to say goodbye to our beloved furbaby, Izzie. She was just over 11 years old. In the last week, she went from being her usual bossy, lap-stealing, dominating the other kitties self to a very subdued, lethargic, always in bed cat. It all happened so fast. Today, Dan took her to a vet right when they opened their doors. I arrived with Emma soon after. Two big issues were happening. 1) Her breathing was labored. and 2) She had a mass in her stomach region. They were much more concerned by her lungs. When they took an X-ray to check things out, things did not look right. They explained that her lungs should be showing up black on the screen, but they were almost entirely white. And they couldn't see her heart. They decided that they needed to send us to a vet that specialized in cat care.

So we ended up at a cat hospital. When we got there, they rushed Izzie back to have oxygen because her breathing was worse. My memories here become hazy because I was crying and trying to take in so much. But here's what I can recall. Where the other vet was worried about her lungs, this vet (the cat specialist) was worried about the lump. She said it felt like a breast tumor. She was worried that the fluid in her lungs was a build-up caused by metastasis from cancer from her breast into her lungs. They needed to sedate Izzie to get some of the fluid off so they could check it. While they did all this Dan, Emma, and I were in the small exam room. Tears kept coming. Emma was a sweet bright spot throughout, blissfully unaware of what was happening.

I don't have a phone right now so I needed to rely on Dan to communicate with family. My mom came up to the vet. She told some other family members what was happening. My brother, who has the biggest heart for kitties, came up right away too. While we waited, Dan and I told each other stories we were thinking about. About Izzie and our life with her. It felt so final. But my gut said this was what I needed to do. What we needed to do. My mom took Emma and Dan and I were able to talk, cry, and discuss things alone. Then, my poor brother Doug came into the exam room just as the doctor was coming back in to tell us the bad news. The fluid came back showing rapidly growing cancer cells. They were dividing so fast that they could see them doing it when they were looking at the fluid. After the fluid had been extracted, they also discovered a large mass in her lungs. Though sedated and a little more comfortable for the moment, treatment options didn't hold a good prognosis. We made our decision to euthanize her. It felt like the most loving and humane thing to do, but it was still so gut-wrenching. They brought her into the room again and I just broke down. She was calm, still sedated. She looked around slowly in a daze. They gave us time. All the time we needed to take. We pet her and loved on her. We told her how much we loved her. We thanked her for being our first baby; for letting us be her parents. We cried. And held each other. And held Izzie. She gave me a weak little head butt and I cried so hard, just like I am now writing about it. We scratched her chin and her ears and she jutted out her chin a bit and tilted her head. My mom, brother, and Emma came into the room. I wanted them to say their goodbyes. I know she didn't know what was going on and that broke my heart more. I wanted to talk to her, tell her, include her in the decision. When we were as ready as we could be, the doctor and an assistant came in. They laid Izzie on her side and we got right in her line of sight. I wanted us to be the last thing she saw. She was a part of our family and she let us love her. We were her parents. I can still picture Dan and me reflected in her eyes as she passed. We held her, pet her, and stayed with her until the end. So many tears shed as we said our goodbyes.

We decided we wanted to take her to my parents' house. That's the house where all the animals of my heart are buried and it only seemed right to place Izzie among them. My mom took Emma so I could drive a bit by myself. I drove slowly around some neighborhoods, looking at the dwindling Christmas lights and I thought about our girl. When I finally made it to my parents', Emma was napping in the living room with my dad and my mom was out back. It was starting to rain. The weather seemed like a perfect reflection of our feelings. My mom and I talked about where all our other babies are buried. We quickly decided which places wouldn't feel right for our sweet girl. But soon after, we picked a spot that feels just right. Though it was hard to tell today, it'll be right in the sun on a bright day. It's away from the other animals, which seemed perfect for her. And you can see it from the kitchen window, which I think I'll like very much.

My brother arrived and he got shovels out of the shed. I took the box with my baby in it and I cried when I saw that they had written "Izzie" with a little heart drawn beneath. I decided I needed to write more. So I wrote all her nicknames I could think of. To Dan and me she was Izzie, Isabelle, Miss Priss, Boo, and, when going nuts, Spazzy McGee. My mom called her Izzie Lu. My dad, Izzie Woo. I wrote her a note too, thanking her for being our baby girl and for making us parents. When all the notes were written, my brother and I dug together, alternating spades in the dirt, making a soft pile in the rain. My mom and dad looked on. When we got the depth we wanted, we placed my baby in the space. Then my dad and I covered her up. Afterward, my brother smoothed out the dirt and my mom placed a metal snail garden ornament to mark the grave "until we can find something else." Through all of it, I was struck with a deep sense of gratitude for my family. No one hesitated to help or show us love. They love us, they love cats, and they loved Izzie. My brother is a stoic figure with a deep and loving heart. My mom and dad are such loving and dependable people. And so many others have been sharing their love and sorrow.

When I got home later I took a nap, exhausted from the emotions and grief. Then Dan and I spent a good portion of the evening making a list of memories of Izzie and finding pictures of her on Facebook. In no certain order, here are some of our memories of her:

1) Dan and I got married in June of 2004. In the early months of 2007, we decided we were finally going to get a cat. Dan had had a dog for a short period in his childhood, but he had never had a cat and wasn't sure how it would be. But I really wanted a pet and he, being kind as he is, agreed to try a kitty. We adopted Izzie from a "Friends of Felines" group in California. We were living in our Claremont apartment at the time and pets weren't allowed. But...yeah, we broke the rules. When we went to the Petco to look for a cat during one of their adoption events I told the woman helping us that I wanted a snuggler. She took us to see three different cats. To this day, I can't explain the nonsensical way the space was set up. They had a pen blocked off with a dozen or more dogs in it. They were barking and making a huge racket. And around the edge, they had the cages with cats...mostly totally freaked out because of the noise. I tried to hold a couple cats, but they were having none of it. Too scary! Then we got to the third cat, named "Goldilocks." First thought, "Yeah, the name's gotta go." I picked up this adult orange and white cat and she sat content in my arms. She looked up at the bright ceiling, looked around the store at all the colors and shapes, and eventually she looked at the dogs at our feet. The look of annoyance told me she would have shushed them if she could have. Yep, this was the one. This was going to be the kitty that came home with us.

2) Being the Jane Austen fan that I am, I had always imagined having two cats and naming them Elizabeth Bennet and Fitzwilliam Darcy and calling them Fitz and Lizzie. So she was going to be Elizabeth, nicknamed Lizzie. But try as I did to say "Liiiizie" with an L, "Izzie" kept coming out instead. So she became Isabelle, Izzie for short.

3) A few months after we got Izzie, we moved into a townhouse with another couple because California is expensive! To this day, that's the only two story place we've ever lived. There was an actual cat walk in that town home and she used to pace it. We were in school, so there were many nights when one or the other of us would be downstairs finishing a paper and the other was upstairs in bed. And she would howl and walk and yowl and pace because we weren't together.

4) Her favorite place was always between us. If Dan was in the kitchen and I was in the living room, she'd be in the dining room in between. If we were on the couch on either end, then she'd be on the couch between us or in Dan's lap, which was her favorite seat in the house.

5) Also in the townhouse, the stairs started in one direction then curved around. In the spot where they changed directions, the afternoon light would hit and we would almost always find Izzie there, snow white stomach fur blindingly white in the sun.

6) It became clear pretty quickly that although Izzie was a people lover, that she was not willing to share her space well with other animals. There are so many dogs, cats, and other animals who experienced her hiss or her claws. The one weird exception was our roommate's guinea pig. Callie was small and afraid of people and animals alike. But for some reason she loved Izzie! She used to "popcorn" with excitement when she got near. But for SOME reason, this was the only animal Izzie was spooked by! Callie would popcorn and Izzie would jump and back away.

7) We had a harness and leash for Izzie for travel. But one day soon after we got her we decided to put it on her and take her outside for fresh air and a chance to explore the grass. With every step she took she would lift her front paws and shake them like she was trying to get the dirt off. We didn't keep her out long, but when we took her back inside she frantically bathed herself and then took a three hour nap to recover from the "traumatic" experience. She may have been found outside, but she was strictly an indoor cat from that point forward.

8) Our roommates were another married couple and she took a special liking to the husband. We used to joke that Dane was her boyfriend. She showed him special treatment. He's the only person EVER she let rub her belly. And he used to hold her underneath so she was horizontal to the floor and move her around. "Super Kitty" times were so fun!

9) Izzie has flown in more airplanes than my mom. Because our winter breaks from school were so long, we decided we wanted to take her with us. We researched and learned that animals small enough to fit under the seat in front of you on a plane were considered one of your carry-on items. So we got a soft sided carrier and, per a vet's recommendation, some benadryl to relax her for the flight. We waited until we were at the airport to try to give her the medicine. Bad. Idea. I had scars on my arms for quite a while after her frantic escape attempts. And I could have punched the lady who in a sugary voice said, "Come here kitty, I'll save you from your mean parents!" Because we couldn't get the Benadryl in her, we had to hope for the best with her first flight. She yowled loudly (but not so loudly over the noise of the plane) until she fell asleep. And she snoozed almost the entire trip afterward. We did have to change the pad in her carrier that first time because she had an accident. But after that first time, she just slept whenever we traveled with her again.

10) Until we got Molly and Sybil, Izzie was a prissy little princess and would only drink out of glasses on tables. We went with it and for 7 years, we dedicated a cup or glass for her on a side table! But! She also loved drinking out of the tub after we had our showers. And she wasn't above drinking out of the toilet if she deemed her water dish too low.

11) We coined the term "toe loving" with her. The scene would go as follows.

Human: Foot placed on floor.
Izzie: Alert to foot nearby.
Human: Begin to wiggle toes.
Izzie: Scamper frantically toward moving foot digits and place side of face/nose/ears all over them.
Result: "Toe loving."
End scene.

This was a sure way to appease a "starving" Izzie and show her affection. There were times when she would have our toes alarmingly deep in her ears but she seemed to love it!

12) We got a space heater for our bathroom years ago and I don't think she thought a better invention had ever been made.

13) Except maybe her electric pad. When we lived in Oxnard, CA we didn't have heating or air conditioning. When we went home for Christmas that year, we bought her the heated pad that would only heat up while she laid on it. We wanted her to have some place warm because Dan's lap would be traveling across the country. It became one of her favorite places. Just now I looked over to the cat tree because the pad is draped in the bottom most cat bed and my heart stopped because I thought for a moment that I saw her there.

14) When we were flying with Izzie, we would let her out of her carrier during layovers. She didn't much like the noise, as you can expect, so I remember one time where I put Dan's coat on our suitcase and she laid on it. Then I placed my coat on top of her, and she stayed covered in her safe little cocoon until we were ready to leave.

15) Also at an airport once, a little girl started slowly walking over to us. Her dad said, "Do you mind if she looks at your kitty because she's never seen a cat before?" I have always remembered that Izzie was the first cat that little girl ever saw.

16) She once bitch-slapped our friend Paula. I think Paula was talking smack and Izzie wasn't having it. I don't remember being in the room, but I do remember our friend yelping and then informing us, "Izzie just bitch-slapped me!" She never lived that moment down.

17) Our friend Sinnamon used to help us cut Izzie's toenails. She would coo at her and laugh when Izzie dramatically acted like she was being tortured.

18) Whenever my mom comes over to our house, she brings our kitties treats. Molly and Sybil fight over them. But Izzie would look at the treat and then look accusingly at my mom like she was trying to poison her.

19) My dad said today, "I'm going to miss her. She was always the one that greeted me whenever I came to your house."

20) She was all orange and white, except for this one gray patch of fur on her left flank. When we first adopted her, I tried several times to wash the spot, worried she had gotten into something. Today I looked at that spot one last time thinking about how it was her special little birthmark.

21) She took amazing photos. Her markings, the color of her eyes, her whole demeanor just made for some breathtaking photos. I'm so glad we took so many because they're going to be very special to us now for our memories.

22) She begrudgingly became a big sister to Molly and Sybil, eventually tolerating their presence and showing them the ropes. I think it's because of her that they come running to the front door to greet us when we come home because that's what Izzie always did. We joked that there were times she was more of a dog than a cat.

23) She would come when I whistled. She would even jump up on the couch if I whistled a certain way.

24) When we were moving from CA to NC, we had Izzie's cat carrier in the backseat of the car we were driving. We thought that we could put her in the carrier and she could just ride there until we got her out for stops along the way. Well...she howled and she yelled and she meowed until finally my riding companion/mother-in-law and I decided to open the carrier. She got out, walked all around the inside of the car, looked out all the windows, and then went back to her carrier and slept. For the remainder of the trip she was absolutely FINE as long as we kept the carrier door open. She stayed comfortable nestled inside sleeping most of the time. What a cat! As long as she had the OPTION to get out, she never used it.

25) On that same trip we stopped in Texas on the way back. Whenever we let her go to the bathroom outside we would also let her walk around for a bit and stretch her legs. But she decided that Texas was too hot. She walked herself back over to the car and pawed at the door until we let her back in. It was like she was saying, "This place is too damn hot even for me! Let's break out of here!"

26) And finally, one of my personal favorite stories. On our drive across country Dan drove our big truck pulling one of our cars. His mom and I took turns driving our other car, riding in the car, or riding with Dan. At one of the rest stops I decided to get back in the truck with Dan for the next leg of the ride. Dan's mom drove the car with Izzie, who seemed totally worried that I had been left behind. She jumped up in the back window of the car crying out and pawing at it because I wasn't with them! We used walkie-talkies on the drive and Dan's mom told us what was happening. My sweet girl was freaked out I had been left! We had to stop and let Izzie know I was okay before we could move on.

I know there are countless other memories that will come to me over time, but these are the ones we reminisced about today. I'm going to miss our sweet girl so much. And I am so thankful she was a part of our life. I've never had so many travels and adventures with one of my animals before. I'm so grateful we had them with her.

Izzie, it's not enough to say you'll be missed. But it's a start. I hope we can see you again some day. I'll wiggle my toes for you then. Love, Mom.