I'm going to share something that I'm only just coming to terms with. It's scary to share something so personal, especially in so public a forum, but I don't really know who reads my blog anyhow. And I think that's what is helping me continue to type.
Last Fall, I had a miscarriage. It was easy to be in denial that it happened and even now it doesn't feel fully real. Here's why. I never got it confirmed by my doctor. I had positive pregnancy tests at home. I was going to the doctor for other reasons and when I asked for a test there, but they somehow overlooked running it. And by the time I realized that, my tests had started to be negative at home.
For those that know me, you know that I have wanted to be a mom for years. I've come to think in terms of a "veil of motherhood." A barrier I have yet to cross. An inner circle of womanhood of which I long to be a part. With each new announcement of a friend or family member's pregnancy, I fight an internal battle. I want to be happy for whoever it is, but my heart breaks that much more. This past Mother's Day, I did the math at how far along I could have been in my pregnancy and it was so tremendously painful.
I have known others who have had miscarriages. And I have read about how many woman have them and don't even realize it. Somewhere I read it was called "the silent grief" because it's not talked about. I always told myself naively that I would talk about it if it ever happened to me. But when it happened, I only told my husband. I didn't even tell my mom, the other person I'm so close to, until a month ago...nearly 6 months after. I didn't want the sympathy. I didn't want the sorrow. I didn't want the reality to sink in. If I didn't share it, it could continue to be unreal.
But this has become a part of me. It's become a part of my story. And it has broken my heart. But I'm healing. And I'm becoming healthier so that hopefully when I carry a child in the future, my body will be better prepared to nurture and sustain life. A friend of mine recently shared this thought: "...to identify people as parents from the moment of conception." There was something so precious about considering myself a parent, if even for a few brief weeks. I feel like being a parent is a dormant side of myself. It's growing and yearning to come to the forefront. And perhaps someday it will come to fruition.
Thus endeth the most intimate blog I've ever written.
Showing posts with label Hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hope. Show all posts
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Honesty at the Risk of Perfection
I did a psychological/career assessment earlier this year. After just a couple of days, I gained new insight about myself that I've continued to mull over since that time. For instance, I learned why Chaplaincy seems like such a vocational fit beyond "it just feels right." It's flexible and I get to develop relationships with people, etc. Some ideas, like this one, became clear almost immediately. Other results of the test have become more understandable only over time and continued life experience. Here's my most recent, yet difficult to admit, epiphany.
Part of the results of the personality-type portion of the test explained that I have a difficult time in situations where I don't feel like I can present myself as together/organized/on top of things. I brushed this off at the time, but have come to see it's revealing truths in various situations. To the outside world, whichever "world" it is, I want to look like I'm funny, energetic, organized, and pulled together. This has been true at my job, my church, and in my family. It's only with Dan and very close friends that I let myself fall apart. Or at least be less than the "perfect side" of myself I try to present to the world. This is even worse when I not only have to admit vulnerability, but be cared for and helped.
This came to a head yesterday when I was at work experiencing difficulty breathing. It had been going on for days (Yes, days. I'm terrible about admitting when something is wrong). One of my nurses remarked about how I had been sighing all day. I ended up telling her that I wasn't sighing, but rather trying to take really deep breaths and seemed unable to. She came over and was soon followed by three others from work. With their encouragement (read: *insistence*), I called a doctor, and was seen that afternoon, had things checked, and nothing distressing or worrisome was discovered. (More about that at another time as I may need to go back to find out more).
However, the moments where I was vulnerable and the center of attention at work made me feel supremely uncomfortable. And exposed. And frustrated. Here I was, in a place where I try to exemplify the qualities of organization, creativity, compassion, knowledge in my field, teamwork, etc, and I was in a moment where none of that was the focus and I felt frantic. I know this sounds extreme, and looking back I see that it was. But there is more at work here.
In my CPE Residency, it was brought to my attention that I am particularly terrible at giving myself grace or offering myself forgiveness. I encourage others to focus on self-care, to take time out, to get checked when things are wrong, and to let others help. But boy are those very things that I am terrible at doing. I think it comes down to a deep feeling that people only love and care about my "together" self. As I said, I have a wonderful husband and loving friends who I have let inside the façade of togetherness. Just this year, I have shared a more open, well-rounded, honest part of myself with my mom and the results have been beautiful. But it's not easy and changing (where healthy) won't happen overnight.
I wonder whether allowing myself grace and acceptance for the times when I'm overwhelmed, burnt out, tired and disorganized will help me stave off reaching the point of collapse. Where I want to shut out the world and recuperate until I can smile, laugh, and gather myself into the person I feel proudest to share.
I've had some really incredible examples of people who have brought less than their best self into situations where they've still been valuable contributors. And their best selves always arrive again in time. I don't love them any less when they share another side of themselves. In fact, it feels like a relief.
If someone else in my office had been having a difficult time breathing, you can bet I would have been by their side encouraging support and care where I could. A friend of mine who is also a Chaplain told me once that she has a prayer she says before she makes visits: "Let me bring 100% of what I have to this situation." Not 100% of all that I could be ever, but 100% of what I have to offer at that moment in time. It's much more realistic and freeing.
Hopefully this new and deeper understanding of myself will aide me in becoming more forgiving of myself and offering myself grace to accept my very human well-roundedness.
But I do have some peeves. Oh yes. I do. I've noticed that with several people, when I have had a moment of breakdown and let myself be cared for, then I feel a shift in our relationship. Literally, four people come to mind, who seem to treat me as though I'm forever broken afterward. They tread warily around me and talk to me in the soothing tones one might adopt when trying to keep an animal calm. Instead of asking, "Hey! How're you doing?" the next time we meet (regardless of how many days/weeks later it is) they tilt their heads to the side and ask gently with a furrowed brow, "You okay...?" voice hitching uncertainly at the end. Sometimes I get really irritated and just want to say, "You mean because three weeks ago I was upset about something? Yes, I'm okay now! I haven't been wallowing over the same thing since we last talked!"
Another peeve. Please, helpers in future situations, notice when it's all just too much. Yesterday, I was sitting at my desk at work and four or five people were inside my cube (teeny thing that it is) all telling me what I needed to do at that moment. Please remember that the issue was not being able to breathe deeply. Do YOU think the added anxiety and pressure from everyone was helping? If you answered "No!" then you get a cookie. But you have to get it yourself. But I do give you permission. Go ahead. I'll wait.......
We good? Good. Moving on.
Another bit of venting before I round out this blog! One of my co-workers was even listening in when I was on the phone with the doctor and later my mom when I was calling her to get a ride to the appointment. Just give me a second to be on the phone without interrupting, trying to get my attention and telling me something. It was all just too much at that moment in time. Or maybe anytime. But it was a lot. There's a phrase in Chaplaincy I've probably written about before. It's called "non-anxious presence." My co-workers were definitely not practicing that yesterday.
However, they were demonstrating care, love, concern, sweetness, compassion and others offers of help. And I will continue to feel deeply grateful to work with such amazing women. These are the women I care for hospice patients with. I was a recipient of their love and can explain firsthand how much their care meant...when I calmed down and let myself finally feel it.
Life's a process. And onward it goes... :)
Part of the results of the personality-type portion of the test explained that I have a difficult time in situations where I don't feel like I can present myself as together/organized/on top of things. I brushed this off at the time, but have come to see it's revealing truths in various situations. To the outside world, whichever "world" it is, I want to look like I'm funny, energetic, organized, and pulled together. This has been true at my job, my church, and in my family. It's only with Dan and very close friends that I let myself fall apart. Or at least be less than the "perfect side" of myself I try to present to the world. This is even worse when I not only have to admit vulnerability, but be cared for and helped.
This came to a head yesterday when I was at work experiencing difficulty breathing. It had been going on for days (Yes, days. I'm terrible about admitting when something is wrong). One of my nurses remarked about how I had been sighing all day. I ended up telling her that I wasn't sighing, but rather trying to take really deep breaths and seemed unable to. She came over and was soon followed by three others from work. With their encouragement (read: *insistence*), I called a doctor, and was seen that afternoon, had things checked, and nothing distressing or worrisome was discovered. (More about that at another time as I may need to go back to find out more).
However, the moments where I was vulnerable and the center of attention at work made me feel supremely uncomfortable. And exposed. And frustrated. Here I was, in a place where I try to exemplify the qualities of organization, creativity, compassion, knowledge in my field, teamwork, etc, and I was in a moment where none of that was the focus and I felt frantic. I know this sounds extreme, and looking back I see that it was. But there is more at work here.
In my CPE Residency, it was brought to my attention that I am particularly terrible at giving myself grace or offering myself forgiveness. I encourage others to focus on self-care, to take time out, to get checked when things are wrong, and to let others help. But boy are those very things that I am terrible at doing. I think it comes down to a deep feeling that people only love and care about my "together" self. As I said, I have a wonderful husband and loving friends who I have let inside the façade of togetherness. Just this year, I have shared a more open, well-rounded, honest part of myself with my mom and the results have been beautiful. But it's not easy and changing (where healthy) won't happen overnight.
I wonder whether allowing myself grace and acceptance for the times when I'm overwhelmed, burnt out, tired and disorganized will help me stave off reaching the point of collapse. Where I want to shut out the world and recuperate until I can smile, laugh, and gather myself into the person I feel proudest to share.
I've had some really incredible examples of people who have brought less than their best self into situations where they've still been valuable contributors. And their best selves always arrive again in time. I don't love them any less when they share another side of themselves. In fact, it feels like a relief.
If someone else in my office had been having a difficult time breathing, you can bet I would have been by their side encouraging support and care where I could. A friend of mine who is also a Chaplain told me once that she has a prayer she says before she makes visits: "Let me bring 100% of what I have to this situation." Not 100% of all that I could be ever, but 100% of what I have to offer at that moment in time. It's much more realistic and freeing.
Hopefully this new and deeper understanding of myself will aide me in becoming more forgiving of myself and offering myself grace to accept my very human well-roundedness.
But I do have some peeves. Oh yes. I do. I've noticed that with several people, when I have had a moment of breakdown and let myself be cared for, then I feel a shift in our relationship. Literally, four people come to mind, who seem to treat me as though I'm forever broken afterward. They tread warily around me and talk to me in the soothing tones one might adopt when trying to keep an animal calm. Instead of asking, "Hey! How're you doing?" the next time we meet (regardless of how many days/weeks later it is) they tilt their heads to the side and ask gently with a furrowed brow, "You okay...?" voice hitching uncertainly at the end. Sometimes I get really irritated and just want to say, "You mean because three weeks ago I was upset about something? Yes, I'm okay now! I haven't been wallowing over the same thing since we last talked!"
Another peeve. Please, helpers in future situations, notice when it's all just too much. Yesterday, I was sitting at my desk at work and four or five people were inside my cube (teeny thing that it is) all telling me what I needed to do at that moment. Please remember that the issue was not being able to breathe deeply. Do YOU think the added anxiety and pressure from everyone was helping? If you answered "No!" then you get a cookie. But you have to get it yourself. But I do give you permission. Go ahead. I'll wait.......
We good? Good. Moving on.
Another bit of venting before I round out this blog! One of my co-workers was even listening in when I was on the phone with the doctor and later my mom when I was calling her to get a ride to the appointment. Just give me a second to be on the phone without interrupting, trying to get my attention and telling me something. It was all just too much at that moment in time. Or maybe anytime. But it was a lot. There's a phrase in Chaplaincy I've probably written about before. It's called "non-anxious presence." My co-workers were definitely not practicing that yesterday.
However, they were demonstrating care, love, concern, sweetness, compassion and others offers of help. And I will continue to feel deeply grateful to work with such amazing women. These are the women I care for hospice patients with. I was a recipient of their love and can explain firsthand how much their care meant...when I calmed down and let myself finally feel it.
Life's a process. And onward it goes... :)
Saturday, October 16, 2010
New Chapter and a Vocation of Love
This morning I woke up with a greater sense of purpose than I typically have as of late. I'm approaching a new phase in my life. This "in-between" time didn't last as long as I expected, and somewhat feared.
This has been my life for the last couple of months:
I completed my Chaplain Residency at New Hanover Regional Medical Center on August 20th. On August 21st my dad's sister passed away. She had been sick for a while. I thought I was more prepared for her dying, but it rocked me worse than I could have imagined. The following couple of weeks were spent in harsh grief, helping my parents go through her apartment, and trying to be there for my dad. Meanwhile, I continued to try and look for a job. I had some interviews, but nothing really came of them. I didn't even tell my family about some of the interviews, because the outlook of so many didn't look good, and therefore I was less torn down than I would have been having to share the "I didn't get the job news" repeatedly.
I did interview for a Hospice Chaplain position, but weeks went by and I didn't hear anything. But, it turns out there had been some internal inquiry about the job and eventually, I was offered the position. I begin on Monday. Right now, I'm working my last on-call shift at NHRMC. I can really feel the end of this particular chapter closing. It's an odd feeling, but I'm glad I'm aware of it.
I have mixed feelings about going into hospice again. Hospice is a wonderful gift. It's an incredible, loving service and I will be proud to be a part of it again. But Hospice is also a narrower ministry. Not narrow in depth. But narrower in that it is singularly focused on end-of-life. Hospital Chaplaincy was a bit more broad. While still crisis ministry, there was hope and healing mixed in. Parish Ministry is the ministry I have discerned seems to be the best fit for me. Someday... But in the meantime, I am gratefully surprised that I can still don the current title of "Chaplain" having supposed I would have to temporarily relinquish a ministerial title.
And that's what's going on with me.
In broader, national news, there have been several suicides among gay teens that has led to a growing awareness of bullying both in schools and in society at large. Ellen Degeneres, in particular, has been asking many of her guests about their own experiences with bullying. These deaths and the treatment of gay youth has sparked in me such an indignant anger that I have been spinning my wheels trying to think of things to do. Facebook has been a helpful outlet for me. I can share with this larger social network my beliefs that Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Queer, Questioning, and Allied persons deserve love, care, compassion, and equal rights. I have been told from more than one person on facebook that I have my facts wrong and that "The Bible says...". But as a person with theological training, I believe the Bible was written in a particular social context and historical time. And though I absolutely believe that it has wonderful relevance for many in the present, I do not think it should be used to devalue people who were born non-heterosexual.
The local University in my town had a rally and vigil this week sponsored by the GLBTQIA (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, Intersex, Ally) Resource Office. I created four new posters for marriage (and life!) equality. I was grateful to unite with so many people and to feel like I was DOING something in response to all the hate that led to so many suicides.
I was also so proud of my Unitarian Universalist faith, because not only were many people from my local congregation present, but our minister was as well. She wore a clerical collar, easily distinguishing her as clergy in the masses. She had been asked to say a prayer. Prior to doing so, she shared that her experience from a bully was from the head of her religious group, who taught that people "like me" she said, were unnatural and wrong. She told the crowd that that was NOT so. She prayed not only for the people are are/were bullied, and the families of those who have lost or taken their lives because of hate, but also for the bullies. After her prayer, several people came up to her...one girl said something before collapsing into a hug. I wondered how many people had hurt this young girl. And further, how many of them represented a religious point of view. My minister was there to show her love. And this girl wasn't the only one to receive it.
I wonder how many people are unaware that there is a liberal religious faith like Unitarian Universalism that thinks that all people have worth and dignity, regardless of their sexual orientation. I felt a renewed sense of calling as I watched people approach my minister and ordination mentor, ask her about her church and receive her love and support...I wondered about the healing that began at the rally.
I absolutely want to become an ordained minister. I want to be someone whose life and love represents not only a larger religious organization, but also something Holy. I believe in a loving Spirit. I call it God. I call it the Universe. I call it Love. Religion has been used to hurt and divide. I want people to feel loved for exactly who they are. May it be so.
May all my liberal Christian ministers and friends have their loving voices heard. May their lives and their ministries shower people with love and acceptance. And may their care and openness increase in volume. I add this to acknowledge that Unitarian Universalism is not the only loving religious home for people who are GLBTQQIA. Gene Robinson, a bishop in the Episcopal Church was one minister who spoke up in youtube's "It Gets Better" campaign. You can hear him here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPZ5eUrNF24
Here are some other links of interest:
Fort Worth City Councilman, Joel Burns sharing his "It Gets Better" story: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax96cghOnY4
The Trevor Project: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
Personal account from my CST colleague, Casey Crosbie: http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/caseygcrosbie/1/1286387828/tpod.html?utm_source=FB&utm_medium=FBMTB&utm_content=FBStreamPostTitle
Mormon leader gives Anti-Gay sermon after suicides. Here's a link to write an open letter in response, and to view the sermon: https://secure3.convio.net/hrc/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=945
Human Rights Campaign: http://www.hrc.org//
I'm still looking for loving responses to the hate. And I shall continue to look, act, and love.
This has been my life for the last couple of months:
I completed my Chaplain Residency at New Hanover Regional Medical Center on August 20th. On August 21st my dad's sister passed away. She had been sick for a while. I thought I was more prepared for her dying, but it rocked me worse than I could have imagined. The following couple of weeks were spent in harsh grief, helping my parents go through her apartment, and trying to be there for my dad. Meanwhile, I continued to try and look for a job. I had some interviews, but nothing really came of them. I didn't even tell my family about some of the interviews, because the outlook of so many didn't look good, and therefore I was less torn down than I would have been having to share the "I didn't get the job news" repeatedly.
I did interview for a Hospice Chaplain position, but weeks went by and I didn't hear anything. But, it turns out there had been some internal inquiry about the job and eventually, I was offered the position. I begin on Monday. Right now, I'm working my last on-call shift at NHRMC. I can really feel the end of this particular chapter closing. It's an odd feeling, but I'm glad I'm aware of it.
I have mixed feelings about going into hospice again. Hospice is a wonderful gift. It's an incredible, loving service and I will be proud to be a part of it again. But Hospice is also a narrower ministry. Not narrow in depth. But narrower in that it is singularly focused on end-of-life. Hospital Chaplaincy was a bit more broad. While still crisis ministry, there was hope and healing mixed in. Parish Ministry is the ministry I have discerned seems to be the best fit for me. Someday... But in the meantime, I am gratefully surprised that I can still don the current title of "Chaplain" having supposed I would have to temporarily relinquish a ministerial title.
And that's what's going on with me.
In broader, national news, there have been several suicides among gay teens that has led to a growing awareness of bullying both in schools and in society at large. Ellen Degeneres, in particular, has been asking many of her guests about their own experiences with bullying. These deaths and the treatment of gay youth has sparked in me such an indignant anger that I have been spinning my wheels trying to think of things to do. Facebook has been a helpful outlet for me. I can share with this larger social network my beliefs that Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Queer, Questioning, and Allied persons deserve love, care, compassion, and equal rights. I have been told from more than one person on facebook that I have my facts wrong and that "The Bible says...". But as a person with theological training, I believe the Bible was written in a particular social context and historical time. And though I absolutely believe that it has wonderful relevance for many in the present, I do not think it should be used to devalue people who were born non-heterosexual.
The local University in my town had a rally and vigil this week sponsored by the GLBTQIA (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, Intersex, Ally) Resource Office. I created four new posters for marriage (and life!) equality. I was grateful to unite with so many people and to feel like I was DOING something in response to all the hate that led to so many suicides.
I was also so proud of my Unitarian Universalist faith, because not only were many people from my local congregation present, but our minister was as well. She wore a clerical collar, easily distinguishing her as clergy in the masses. She had been asked to say a prayer. Prior to doing so, she shared that her experience from a bully was from the head of her religious group, who taught that people "like me" she said, were unnatural and wrong. She told the crowd that that was NOT so. She prayed not only for the people are are/were bullied, and the families of those who have lost or taken their lives because of hate, but also for the bullies. After her prayer, several people came up to her...one girl said something before collapsing into a hug. I wondered how many people had hurt this young girl. And further, how many of them represented a religious point of view. My minister was there to show her love. And this girl wasn't the only one to receive it.
I wonder how many people are unaware that there is a liberal religious faith like Unitarian Universalism that thinks that all people have worth and dignity, regardless of their sexual orientation. I felt a renewed sense of calling as I watched people approach my minister and ordination mentor, ask her about her church and receive her love and support...I wondered about the healing that began at the rally.
I absolutely want to become an ordained minister. I want to be someone whose life and love represents not only a larger religious organization, but also something Holy. I believe in a loving Spirit. I call it God. I call it the Universe. I call it Love. Religion has been used to hurt and divide. I want people to feel loved for exactly who they are. May it be so.
May all my liberal Christian ministers and friends have their loving voices heard. May their lives and their ministries shower people with love and acceptance. And may their care and openness increase in volume. I add this to acknowledge that Unitarian Universalism is not the only loving religious home for people who are GLBTQQIA. Gene Robinson, a bishop in the Episcopal Church was one minister who spoke up in youtube's "It Gets Better" campaign. You can hear him here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPZ5eUrNF24
Here are some other links of interest:
Fort Worth City Councilman, Joel Burns sharing his "It Gets Better" story: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax96cghOnY4
The Trevor Project: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
Personal account from my CST colleague, Casey Crosbie: http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/caseygcrosbie/1/1286387828/tpod.html?utm_source=FB&utm_medium=FBMTB&utm_content=FBStreamPostTitle
Mormon leader gives Anti-Gay sermon after suicides. Here's a link to write an open letter in response, and to view the sermon: https://secure3.convio.net/hrc/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=945
Human Rights Campaign: http://www.hrc.org//
I'm still looking for loving responses to the hate. And I shall continue to look, act, and love.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Open Eyes
I'm trying to see the world with my eyes wide open. I am hopeful that I will be able to grow with the resources around me. Mostly, I'm trying to find people I can grow with spiritually. Last night I went to the first meeting of a group of women. We all somehow work in and/or are passionate about interfaith ministry. One of those women knows my neighbor, A. I have had a few brief encounters with A, but decided today that I would go over and meet her more officially. We had a lovely talk and I am looking forward to more in the future. Things I know about her. She's a woman probably in her late 60s, early 70s. Her husband died 10 years ago and he was an artist. She is a student of Buddhism. She has a meditation garden and large compost pile in her back yard. She's a positive spirit. She is a part of a Goddess Group that meets ever other Monday. Altogether, I think I will like her a ton. It's soon to imagine this, but I'm wondering if there's the possibility that she may become a sort of mentor for me. One step at a time, but it entered my mind. Yay for rhymes :)
Also coming up soon is solo road trip I'll be taking to the NC mountains! I'm going to first spend time with one of my oldest friend, K, before he heads across the country to Berkeley to get his Masters in Public Policy. My heart will ache missing him. I hope to visit him in my beloved California. Also that weekend, I will send E, the former Music Therapy Intern from the hospital where I'm still working. She's working in a camp in Montreat, NC, which is one of her spiritual homes. One the way back from these visits, I will see C, who is from my Pfeiffer University world. I cannot wait! These are three people who I feel absolutely with myself with! Though I wish my loving husband could also accompany me, I'm looking forward to the drive time alone.
I will face the world today with positivity, kindness, open eyes and an open heart.
Peace out!
Also coming up soon is solo road trip I'll be taking to the NC mountains! I'm going to first spend time with one of my oldest friend, K, before he heads across the country to Berkeley to get his Masters in Public Policy. My heart will ache missing him. I hope to visit him in my beloved California. Also that weekend, I will send E, the former Music Therapy Intern from the hospital where I'm still working. She's working in a camp in Montreat, NC, which is one of her spiritual homes. One the way back from these visits, I will see C, who is from my Pfeiffer University world. I cannot wait! These are three people who I feel absolutely with myself with! Though I wish my loving husband could also accompany me, I'm looking forward to the drive time alone.
I will face the world today with positivity, kindness, open eyes and an open heart.
Peace out!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
On Call Calling
Part of my Residency Program is to work on call about once a week. Last night I had two calls. I was up from 3:45am onward. And while I'm exhausted and will be sleeping soon for who knows how long, I can honestly say that I feel like I made a difference in the visits I was a part of. And that feeling like I was a calming, compassionate person feels good. I hope the thought that I mattered to these people in their crises will help me rest well.
Peace.
Peace.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Flying High and Energized!
It's official! www.keldanart.com is a LIVE site! We're still very much in the process of adding to the inventory and examples on the page, BUT it's incredible to know that people all over the world could see our artwork! Our facebook fan page has over 100 fans! My business cards are coming next week and Dan's soon thereafter. I'm so excited about all the hope and possibilities. This is me embracing what I love! No more doing something just because I can. Rather, doing the thing that makes my soul dance! Art!
So check out the website. The photographs can all be purchased. The drawings are just examples or what can be done...which means, I'm going to get my hands a-workin' and add to our inventory, hopefully making some ready-to-sell items! Dan's always available for photography and photo editing as well. The Editing portion of the site is awesome. The stuff he can do is so beyond me. I love that he can restore older family photos and brighten, soften, and remove things from photos (like power lines, or parking lots!) that hinder your photos. It's amazing!
It's incredible knowing that one of the things that is helpful for this endeavor is me sitting down and creating art. Sitting down (or bouncing around) and doing that which feeds my soul, and makes me silly. That doesn't seem real. My dad always told me, "You have to love what you do." But I have never embraced that before. But I'm embracing it now.
Welcome to the KelDan Art family, especially for all those who have found this link from our website or facebook page! Welcome to the land of silliness, where we live out our dreams! Welcome to a place where you can have your memories honored in art. Yay for you being here!
Peace!
So check out the website. The photographs can all be purchased. The drawings are just examples or what can be done...which means, I'm going to get my hands a-workin' and add to our inventory, hopefully making some ready-to-sell items! Dan's always available for photography and photo editing as well. The Editing portion of the site is awesome. The stuff he can do is so beyond me. I love that he can restore older family photos and brighten, soften, and remove things from photos (like power lines, or parking lots!) that hinder your photos. It's amazing!
It's incredible knowing that one of the things that is helpful for this endeavor is me sitting down and creating art. Sitting down (or bouncing around) and doing that which feeds my soul, and makes me silly. That doesn't seem real. My dad always told me, "You have to love what you do." But I have never embraced that before. But I'm embracing it now.
Welcome to the KelDan Art family, especially for all those who have found this link from our website or facebook page! Welcome to the land of silliness, where we live out our dreams! Welcome to a place where you can have your memories honored in art. Yay for you being here!
Peace!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Big Steps!
Alright! It's happening. My husband and I are taking steps to step KelDan Art! One day last weekend, I created: a facebook page (which already has 32 friends in less than a week!); a Paypal account (for future orders, I hope), an Etsy page (which I still need to download products on)!
We've been looking at creating a website (soon to be www.keldanart.com!!!) and finding out what steps we need to take to get a KelDan Art business license! It's all really exciting, but scary at the same time. I keep worrying about the negative "What if..." scenarios. So in an effort to avoid that I've been pulling strength from some quotes I've been reading about following your destiny.
Here are some of them, the first being a paraphrase because it's from "The Men Who Stare At Goats" and I don't have a way of finding out if it's accurate yet.
You have to find your destiny. If you try to do something that's not your destiny, it'll be like swimming against the tide of the river. But if you find and pursue your destiny, the river will carry you."
I really like the idea of the river carrying me. It feels hopeful, when I'm scared.
The purpose of art is not a rarified, intellectual distillate-it is life, intensified, brilliant life. -Alain Arias-Misson
The most potent muse of all is our own inner child. -Stephen Nachmanovitch
At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities. -Jean Houston
This one is especially potent to me at the moment, because I'm realizing how much I don't laugh in my life right now.
So you are, imagination needs moodling-long, inefficient, happy idling, dawdling and puttering. _Brenda Ueland
This I find a good reminder that our world is very driven by doing, doing, doing. And sometimes, I want to sit, and think, and be. And even if the end "product" of this isn't tangible, I need the reminder that it's still worth it.
That's plenty for now!
Here's to art, inspiration, hope, change, and following my destiny!!
We've been looking at creating a website (soon to be www.keldanart.com!!!) and finding out what steps we need to take to get a KelDan Art business license! It's all really exciting, but scary at the same time. I keep worrying about the negative "What if..." scenarios. So in an effort to avoid that I've been pulling strength from some quotes I've been reading about following your destiny.
Here are some of them, the first being a paraphrase because it's from "The Men Who Stare At Goats" and I don't have a way of finding out if it's accurate yet.
You have to find your destiny. If you try to do something that's not your destiny, it'll be like swimming against the tide of the river. But if you find and pursue your destiny, the river will carry you."
I really like the idea of the river carrying me. It feels hopeful, when I'm scared.
The purpose of art is not a rarified, intellectual distillate-it is life, intensified, brilliant life. -Alain Arias-Misson
The most potent muse of all is our own inner child. -Stephen Nachmanovitch
At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities. -Jean Houston
This one is especially potent to me at the moment, because I'm realizing how much I don't laugh in my life right now.
So you are, imagination needs moodling-long, inefficient, happy idling, dawdling and puttering. _Brenda Ueland
This I find a good reminder that our world is very driven by doing, doing, doing. And sometimes, I want to sit, and think, and be. And even if the end "product" of this isn't tangible, I need the reminder that it's still worth it.
That's plenty for now!
Here's to art, inspiration, hope, change, and following my destiny!!
Monday, November 2, 2009
Drawing with Loving Intentions
So you see, imagination needs moodling - long, inefficient, happy idling, dawdling and puttering. -Brenda Ueland
Tonight I drew two new drawings, both featuring the dogwood flower. You see, almost exactly a year ago the mother of one of my friend's died. After her mom's death, she mentioned that her mother's favorite flower was the flower on a dogwood tree. I made a mental note. Soon afterward, I drew a pen and ink drawing of a dogwood branch with flowers and leaves. But since my move across country, I have lost the particular sketch pad that the drawing was in. I have been devastated and furiously searching for the pad. For so long, it didn't even occur to me to try to redraw it because I was in such a less artsy place.
But tonight, as a part of my "This I Believe" group I decided to create art; and to recreate this photo idea. And because I was nervous about the process, I made an altar of sorts, which is actually a suggestion in the guidelines for this week. I took four candles that a friend made, and placed a leaf plate between them. I turned off the TV and put some music on.
Then I drew. I drew one drawing for my friend Tracy. And a second, different one for her brother. I was looking online for photo ideas for the dogwood flowers. I found one that ended up being Stephen's. Then I was looking for one for Tracy. I found a beautiful rendition of a dogwood flower, so I clicked on it to see the picture larger. The drawing was incredible. But then I froze when I saw the artist's name. What was it, you ask? Tracie Hawkins. The friend I was drawing it for? Tracy Hawkins. Fate, synchronicity, God's will, destiny...all these words have been floating in my mind. But I took it as a sign and drew my own version of that particular dogwood flower for my friend as a memory of her mom.
I've never drawn with such loving intentions before. I was silently putting love into the lines, shapes, and shading. I hope it will touch their hearts and work towards their healing.
May it be so.
Tonight I drew two new drawings, both featuring the dogwood flower. You see, almost exactly a year ago the mother of one of my friend's died. After her mom's death, she mentioned that her mother's favorite flower was the flower on a dogwood tree. I made a mental note. Soon afterward, I drew a pen and ink drawing of a dogwood branch with flowers and leaves. But since my move across country, I have lost the particular sketch pad that the drawing was in. I have been devastated and furiously searching for the pad. For so long, it didn't even occur to me to try to redraw it because I was in such a less artsy place.
But tonight, as a part of my "This I Believe" group I decided to create art; and to recreate this photo idea. And because I was nervous about the process, I made an altar of sorts, which is actually a suggestion in the guidelines for this week. I took four candles that a friend made, and placed a leaf plate between them. I turned off the TV and put some music on.
Then I drew. I drew one drawing for my friend Tracy. And a second, different one for her brother. I was looking online for photo ideas for the dogwood flowers. I found one that ended up being Stephen's. Then I was looking for one for Tracy. I found a beautiful rendition of a dogwood flower, so I clicked on it to see the picture larger. The drawing was incredible. But then I froze when I saw the artist's name. What was it, you ask? Tracie Hawkins. The friend I was drawing it for? Tracy Hawkins. Fate, synchronicity, God's will, destiny...all these words have been floating in my mind. But I took it as a sign and drew my own version of that particular dogwood flower for my friend as a memory of her mom.
Stephen's Dogwood:
Tracy's Dogwood:
I've never drawn with such loving intentions before. I was silently putting love into the lines, shapes, and shading. I hope it will touch their hearts and work towards their healing.
May it be so.
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