Today, Dan came to my work and hung a bunch of stuff around the office (cork boards, dry erase boards, clocks, etc.) and got to meet everyone. It was great having him in the office. At one point, I was helping him with something when my phone started to ring "We are Family!" the ring for my family (obviously). Usually this means my mom and occasionally my cousin.
My mom was audibly shocked that I answered. She said she wanted to remind me that it as my grandmother's birthday and asked if I could call. That's fine. But she said again how she wasn't expecting me to answer. Then she started crying! I was so startled. She told me that my brother Doug got into a car accident, that he was ok, but, "He didn't need this" she said. My brother has been depressed for a while now. When I say a while, I'm meaning like...for a few years. He had his heart broken by a manipulative bitch (yeah, I still have anger) years ago. We're talking...she planned to break up with him in October of 2004, but waited until after Christmas that year so she could get presents. THEN, he worked for months...like from January to August 2005 trying to get over her. She comes back into his life in the Fall, stays with him through Christmas to get gifts again, then dumps him AGAIN! My very cruel assessment of the situation is that she "trained" my brother to think that buying things for her would buy her love for him. So what did he do in a mad effort to win her back? He bought a house!! He thought would have two incomes supporting it once he won her back. But that didn't work and the house has been a financial burden since. So him getting into a car accident that was his fault will not help matters financially. With his depression and extremely negative outlook on life, I seriously worry about him being a suicide risk. Maybe that sounds extreme, but it has been 3.5 years since his initial breakup, he has been depressed, his counselor doesn't seem to be able to help him, he keeps holding onto this horrible ex-fiance, he looks at the negative sides of everything...I just worry.
My mom couldn't stop crying on the phone. She kept apologizing saying she just needed to talk about stuff. She's going through her own stuff, plus the caregiving for my grandmother is reaching a critical point. Before too long, she will need to be an assisted living home. Her Alzheimer's is getting worse. She hallucinates and sees people in her house. She wanders. Her medications are becoming more and more complicated. My mom and aunt trade off nights staying at her house. They each put in two nights of grandma duty at a time. My mom says she doesn't sleep well during this time, because she's always on alert for my grandmother to wander. Meanwhile, my mom had to miss two days of work this week because she woke up with her eyes swollen shut and burned looking from what seems to be an allergic reaction to who knows what? She's counting down the days until she can retire from her life-sucking job, but in the meantime, these are the kinds of things that will be facing her in her retirement. I know there are cultural clashes over what it means to put a loved one into a nursing home, but I am a proponent for that option. My mom is going to be sixty soon and is struggling with all these things. She is gradually becoming more fatigued and does not have the medical knowledge to appropriately manage the increase of difficulty with my grandma. She needs a break and to have the opportunity to live her life AND my grandmother has made it clear that she is ok with going into a nursing home. The additional family worry comes from the fact that her Alzeimer's will probably be a lot worse when she is moved from her home.
As with every family crisis, large or small, I feel guilty about being away. What could happen if I were there too? I could take some days of grandma duty. I could help take care of my mom. I could open my dad's often oblivious eyes to the needs of the people around him. I feel there is so much I could offer. I wonder more how many more times I will have to endure these feelings before Dan and I decide to move back east. Family is the only draw back there. In so many ways (politically, socially, spiritually...) we fit so much better in California. This definitely complicates matters. My mom tells me I need to live my own life. It's exactly the kind of advice I'm giving her about grandma. But it's easier to give it. The fact is, I feel like I should be there to offer family my love and support from the same town.
I miss my mom so much. I miss going for coffee with her, or staying up late watching movies.
I definitely want to spend as much time with her as I can. The thing about working for Hospice is, it reminds you of your own mortality and of the importance of living fully and well. I won't have a never-ending amount of time with my mom. And what if she becomes like my grandmother, with Alzheimer's? What if, one day, my mom looks at me and asks, "What's your name?" like my other grandmother did before she died. What will I think of myself if I look back and think, "I could have (should have?) been there more."
I have no resolution to these questions. I have juggled them for a while now. But they seem more intense and critical at the moment. I miss my family. I have hope for my life here. But at what cost?
At what cost?
Friday, July 25, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Frustration!
I had on distinctly frustrating thing happen today at work that I wanted to get out. I went on a ride-along visit with the other chaplain, a Catholic priest. The man we were visiting was lethargic. Even small conversation seemed to take so much out of him. But at one point in the talk he said to my colleague, "I don't know if they told you, but I got really sick a while back." As he kept talking, "a while back" turned out to be a couple of weeks ago. He said very seriously and wide-eyed, "I couldn't breathe...I thought that was it." Hearing him my breathe caught in my chest. I wanted to ask, "How did you feel?" but my co-worker spoke first. Finger pointing at the patient: "Did you pray??" he asked in what I considered an aggressive tone. Weakly he said, "Of course." "Good!" said my colleague and then he chuckled a little. And that was it! What the hell!? This man seemed to need to talk about this. He had what he thought was his last moment in life and my co-worker treated it so frivolously! I felt insulted to share the same title. It was an awful moment. I didn't realize how angry it made me until I had left this man's presence and no longer felt the need to emotionally censor myself for the situation.
I feel the need to share this with someone at work, and the best choice seems to be my big boss. To talk to my immediate supervisor seems out of the question. She oversees both of us and does not seem trustworthy to me yet. My super boss has made herself very approachable and has encouraged me and invited me to talk with her. I don't know what I expect to be done about the situation. I am glad that there will be some variety among the spiritual caregiving. The end goal is that the other spiritual coordinator will be assigned to most of the Catholic patients and I will get the others. That suits me well. He can offer catholic patients rituals and prayers that I feel less comfortable and authentic with. And maybe I'll get the patients and families who are disgruntled with religion. I would love to represent a new way of considering spirituality. For instance, I think it is a spiritual gift to share a meaningful and heartfelt conversation with someone. Just one of the many ways in which the other caregiver and I differ.
I need to get this off my chest. And if I am ever to bring up the different to my coworker directly, I need to work through these feelings of anger first away from him.
I feel the need to share this with someone at work, and the best choice seems to be my big boss. To talk to my immediate supervisor seems out of the question. She oversees both of us and does not seem trustworthy to me yet. My super boss has made herself very approachable and has encouraged me and invited me to talk with her. I don't know what I expect to be done about the situation. I am glad that there will be some variety among the spiritual caregiving. The end goal is that the other spiritual coordinator will be assigned to most of the Catholic patients and I will get the others. That suits me well. He can offer catholic patients rituals and prayers that I feel less comfortable and authentic with. And maybe I'll get the patients and families who are disgruntled with religion. I would love to represent a new way of considering spirituality. For instance, I think it is a spiritual gift to share a meaningful and heartfelt conversation with someone. Just one of the many ways in which the other caregiver and I differ.
I need to get this off my chest. And if I am ever to bring up the different to my coworker directly, I need to work through these feelings of anger first away from him.
Great Days and Learning Experiences
Yesterday, I had a great day at work. I just needed to take a few minutes (almost literally) to document it and my last few days at work. Most of my time has been spent taking online classes and taking the corresponding quizzes. While many people complain about them, I find them comforting because they cover a lot of Hospice information I don't know. Topics vary widely from Workplace Violence to Symptoms of Approaching Death. So it's interesting.
Last week, I came into work and was a few minutes late. I just couldn't get moving. As soon as I get in, I find out that one of our patients had a seizure during the night and has been unresponsive sense. The question, "Are you ready to go out into the field?" I had been intending to visit this patient with the other chaplain later that day. But circumstances changed and I headed out almost immediately. I was panicky. I was warned that the natural course for his disease was gruesome and that hospice was doing everything to stop the "normal" progression, which I won't go into. But the mental image was horrific. I called Dan and quickly flew into an explanation. I packed up my stuff, printed directions and headed out. A friend of mine called me on my way there. I told her too about the impending visit and the potentially traumatic events. I felt so rushed and worried. She wonderfully reminded me about the gifts I could offer and the peace I could have. Once off the phone with her, I turned off the radio and tried to slow my breathing.
I have come to a conclusion that is probably going to be looked at funny from some of my friends. But, I think I believe in signs. I don't quite know what I believe about them except that...I think if we open ourselves to the universe and to things larger than ourselves, then we will find that the universe responds back. For me on this day, it was in the form of several signs on the road including two for "Camp Comfort" that made me smile and calm down a little. One for an Indian Boutique called "Om" and another that said something to the effect of, 'It will all work out." When I saw the "Om" one, I decided to chant it. I haven't learned much about "Om" but what I remembered was that it was a connection to the universe and to things larger than myself. Since I was feeling very small and alone in my car putting through the hills in Ventura County, I started chanting "Om." I would chant a deep note until my breath ran out, then chant a deeper one for the same time. My breathing slowed down and something about the vibrations inside my body made me feel a sense of calmness. By the time I walked into this distraught family's life, I was at peace. The day was long and full of raw emotions and family drama, but I made it through.
I'll have to write a separate bog devoted to my weekend, but for now I'll skip to yesterday. I helped lead a Staff Bereavement Group for my colleagues at Hospice. It was the first of what will be a quarterly event designed to take care of the employees who work in this field. Using the influence of CST chapel alters, I made our Interdisciplinary Team Meeting room into a sacred space. Dim lighting, classical music, candles, colorful shawls, a fountain. It did not feel like our normal meeting space. The other spiritual care coordinator and I provided a short ritual. We allowed the people in the room to share about losses either in hospice or their personal lives. Because this was the first event and it was so quick after my arrival, I was not sure if many people would share. But all but one did. I later found out from Super Laura (my head boss) that one person came in reluctantly determined not to share....but she shared almost the most. People brought journal entries, pictures, funeral programs...it was incredible. As soon as we left the room and began out potluck meal, we were referred two new patients. Someone said, "It's like as soon as we take care of ourselves and get in a better place personally...we get patients! We're ready!" I felt so proud. I got great feedback. I had a full rest of the day which included a couple of amazing conversations and seeing the Dark Knight with Dan.
Documentation complete for now. More about this weekend at another time.
Last week, I came into work and was a few minutes late. I just couldn't get moving. As soon as I get in, I find out that one of our patients had a seizure during the night and has been unresponsive sense. The question, "Are you ready to go out into the field?" I had been intending to visit this patient with the other chaplain later that day. But circumstances changed and I headed out almost immediately. I was panicky. I was warned that the natural course for his disease was gruesome and that hospice was doing everything to stop the "normal" progression, which I won't go into. But the mental image was horrific. I called Dan and quickly flew into an explanation. I packed up my stuff, printed directions and headed out. A friend of mine called me on my way there. I told her too about the impending visit and the potentially traumatic events. I felt so rushed and worried. She wonderfully reminded me about the gifts I could offer and the peace I could have. Once off the phone with her, I turned off the radio and tried to slow my breathing.
I have come to a conclusion that is probably going to be looked at funny from some of my friends. But, I think I believe in signs. I don't quite know what I believe about them except that...I think if we open ourselves to the universe and to things larger than ourselves, then we will find that the universe responds back. For me on this day, it was in the form of several signs on the road including two for "Camp Comfort" that made me smile and calm down a little. One for an Indian Boutique called "Om" and another that said something to the effect of, 'It will all work out." When I saw the "Om" one, I decided to chant it. I haven't learned much about "Om" but what I remembered was that it was a connection to the universe and to things larger than myself. Since I was feeling very small and alone in my car putting through the hills in Ventura County, I started chanting "Om." I would chant a deep note until my breath ran out, then chant a deeper one for the same time. My breathing slowed down and something about the vibrations inside my body made me feel a sense of calmness. By the time I walked into this distraught family's life, I was at peace. The day was long and full of raw emotions and family drama, but I made it through.
I'll have to write a separate bog devoted to my weekend, but for now I'll skip to yesterday. I helped lead a Staff Bereavement Group for my colleagues at Hospice. It was the first of what will be a quarterly event designed to take care of the employees who work in this field. Using the influence of CST chapel alters, I made our Interdisciplinary Team Meeting room into a sacred space. Dim lighting, classical music, candles, colorful shawls, a fountain. It did not feel like our normal meeting space. The other spiritual care coordinator and I provided a short ritual. We allowed the people in the room to share about losses either in hospice or their personal lives. Because this was the first event and it was so quick after my arrival, I was not sure if many people would share. But all but one did. I later found out from Super Laura (my head boss) that one person came in reluctantly determined not to share....but she shared almost the most. People brought journal entries, pictures, funeral programs...it was incredible. As soon as we left the room and began out potluck meal, we were referred two new patients. Someone said, "It's like as soon as we take care of ourselves and get in a better place personally...we get patients! We're ready!" I felt so proud. I got great feedback. I had a full rest of the day which included a couple of amazing conversations and seeing the Dark Knight with Dan.
Documentation complete for now. More about this weekend at another time.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Warning Signs, UU-ness, and the Universe
I am relearning already that I never need a job where I'm in an office all day. While I'm finding the prospect of going out in the field visiting patients scary...not just nerve-racking or anxiety-producing...but frightening (due to my tendency to imagine the worst), I do think that being with people is the core of what my job is and I'm looking forward to that opportunity more. Tomorrow should give me a taste as I'll be going out on one visit of my own and tagging along with the other Spiritual Care Coordinator on several more.
My antenna is up about my new boss. My working relationship with her seems like it's going to be tricky. Overall, here's what I see. She always tries to present things with a smile, which is highly contradictory and misleading, because she does this even when she's making a subtle (and not so subtle) dig at co-workers. She asks me into her office today to share her ideas on how the Bereavement Program should change. And despite her frequent reminders that "I don't micromanage", I feel very micro-managed right now. I do foresee this feeling to lessen slightly when I am not under her constant vision because my desk is right outside her office. Something else that bothers me about her is she constantly interrupts me when I'm talking, or she ignores me altogether like she can't hear me. Perhaps there are times when she truly can't hear me, but altogether it makes me feel as though she thinks very highly of what she's saying, but doesn't care at ALL about what I think. Vent Vent Vent! That's all I'm doing, but that's what I need.
I want to feel connected to people. I feel as though my boss, who I had such high hopes for, is strongly manipulative. Perhaps that's too strong a word. But at the very least, I think she is untrustworthy and not straightforward in her speaking. I have gotten so used to friends who speak their mind and are open to me doing the same, that authenticity has become my standard and norm. And yet, here is the perfect example of how that's soo not the case in the "real world."
On a different up-side. Dan and I visited the Unitarian Universalist Church in Ventura last Sunday. I think I already mentioned this in a blog, but I don't know how much I got into it so I thought I'd add more here. I got a really good feeling about the church. I'm hoping to become more involved. Originally, I planned to go to this evening meditation group on Monday, but I felt so incredibly exhausted that I stayed home that night instead. But I'm planning on going to their Movie Night this Friday. The minister is on vacation for the next few weeks, but we got to meet her at the socializing hour after church, which was wonderful. My immediate impression of her was an intellectual woman who laughs easily and is a great story-teller.
While sitting in the church service, I felt a call to ministry again. It's not that I don't think that what I'm going to be doing with Hospice isn't ministry. But, no matter how much I have pulled away from church, there's something about it that still draws me in. Perhaps I'll end up on staff somewhere in the future. I can imagine leading Program Ministries. I love the idea I researching ways of helping people exploring their spiritualities. Drum Circles, beading, meditation, reading groups, gardening, beach trips, museum trips, etc. In a way I feel like I'm giving up on Hospice before I've even started in it. I just feel like I have finally found a type of church that fits. And I'm hopeful about having found a particular church that could fit. It would a trippy, amazing thing to be paid for helping people with their spirituality while helping myself grow as well. But there are negatives about that too. Like having all these programs mostly occurring in the evening. My schedule would be different than I might have imagined it. But I think there is time. More spiritual exploration will most certainly come.
We have friends getting married this Sunday. I don't know if we'll make it there or not because we just found out about it and gas prices are so ridiculously high. We are so strapped for money until Dan can find a job. He has been looking so hard. He's opened up his search to include jobs he doesn't want. But he hasn't found possibilities even among those. I recently opened up to Dan telling him that I've been sad that our conversations seem never to talk about spirituality anymore since we have journeyed through conservative Christianity to progressive religious pluralism. In the spirit of opening up that part of our lives again he said to me: "Spiritually, I feel like the Universe is not letting me settle." I hope he's right. I hope the Universe, or karma, or God or some Divinity would open up something for him that would just...fit and, wouldn't let him settle. I've been thinking about how incredibly hard this must be for him. At CST he was well respected and sought after to solve problems. He was Dan the AV Man! He was dependable and was bragged about. He earned the support and respect of amazing colleagues and professors. He went from that to where he is now. Jobless and with nothing on the horizon. It's so discouraging. And this is just my empathic sense of what he's going through.
I want hope. I want to feel like I can thoroughly encourage him. I don't want him to forget the amazingness that developed within himself at CST. I want him to know that even though he isn't getting a response from the "real world" that I believe he is worth so much. He is still that person he was at CST. There is so much more for him to hope for and have in the future. I just wish a glimpse of it would become reality. He deserves it. I love him so much. If I could give him the fulfillment and purpose he wants, I would do it in a heartbeat so he doesn't forget that he deserves it.
For now, I'm going to continue trying to grasp for hope.
My antenna is up about my new boss. My working relationship with her seems like it's going to be tricky. Overall, here's what I see. She always tries to present things with a smile, which is highly contradictory and misleading, because she does this even when she's making a subtle (and not so subtle) dig at co-workers. She asks me into her office today to share her ideas on how the Bereavement Program should change. And despite her frequent reminders that "I don't micromanage", I feel very micro-managed right now. I do foresee this feeling to lessen slightly when I am not under her constant vision because my desk is right outside her office. Something else that bothers me about her is she constantly interrupts me when I'm talking, or she ignores me altogether like she can't hear me. Perhaps there are times when she truly can't hear me, but altogether it makes me feel as though she thinks very highly of what she's saying, but doesn't care at ALL about what I think. Vent Vent Vent! That's all I'm doing, but that's what I need.
I want to feel connected to people. I feel as though my boss, who I had such high hopes for, is strongly manipulative. Perhaps that's too strong a word. But at the very least, I think she is untrustworthy and not straightforward in her speaking. I have gotten so used to friends who speak their mind and are open to me doing the same, that authenticity has become my standard and norm. And yet, here is the perfect example of how that's soo not the case in the "real world."
On a different up-side. Dan and I visited the Unitarian Universalist Church in Ventura last Sunday. I think I already mentioned this in a blog, but I don't know how much I got into it so I thought I'd add more here. I got a really good feeling about the church. I'm hoping to become more involved. Originally, I planned to go to this evening meditation group on Monday, but I felt so incredibly exhausted that I stayed home that night instead. But I'm planning on going to their Movie Night this Friday. The minister is on vacation for the next few weeks, but we got to meet her at the socializing hour after church, which was wonderful. My immediate impression of her was an intellectual woman who laughs easily and is a great story-teller.
While sitting in the church service, I felt a call to ministry again. It's not that I don't think that what I'm going to be doing with Hospice isn't ministry. But, no matter how much I have pulled away from church, there's something about it that still draws me in. Perhaps I'll end up on staff somewhere in the future. I can imagine leading Program Ministries. I love the idea I researching ways of helping people exploring their spiritualities. Drum Circles, beading, meditation, reading groups, gardening, beach trips, museum trips, etc. In a way I feel like I'm giving up on Hospice before I've even started in it. I just feel like I have finally found a type of church that fits. And I'm hopeful about having found a particular church that could fit. It would a trippy, amazing thing to be paid for helping people with their spirituality while helping myself grow as well. But there are negatives about that too. Like having all these programs mostly occurring in the evening. My schedule would be different than I might have imagined it. But I think there is time. More spiritual exploration will most certainly come.
We have friends getting married this Sunday. I don't know if we'll make it there or not because we just found out about it and gas prices are so ridiculously high. We are so strapped for money until Dan can find a job. He has been looking so hard. He's opened up his search to include jobs he doesn't want. But he hasn't found possibilities even among those. I recently opened up to Dan telling him that I've been sad that our conversations seem never to talk about spirituality anymore since we have journeyed through conservative Christianity to progressive religious pluralism. In the spirit of opening up that part of our lives again he said to me: "Spiritually, I feel like the Universe is not letting me settle." I hope he's right. I hope the Universe, or karma, or God or some Divinity would open up something for him that would just...fit and, wouldn't let him settle. I've been thinking about how incredibly hard this must be for him. At CST he was well respected and sought after to solve problems. He was Dan the AV Man! He was dependable and was bragged about. He earned the support and respect of amazing colleagues and professors. He went from that to where he is now. Jobless and with nothing on the horizon. It's so discouraging. And this is just my empathic sense of what he's going through.
I want hope. I want to feel like I can thoroughly encourage him. I don't want him to forget the amazingness that developed within himself at CST. I want him to know that even though he isn't getting a response from the "real world" that I believe he is worth so much. He is still that person he was at CST. There is so much more for him to hope for and have in the future. I just wish a glimpse of it would become reality. He deserves it. I love him so much. If I could give him the fulfillment and purpose he wants, I would do it in a heartbeat so he doesn't forget that he deserves it.
For now, I'm going to continue trying to grasp for hope.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Occupational Update
This week, I worked 40.5 hours at my new job as a Hospice Spiritual Care Coordinator. It has mostly been about becoming oriented to both the people, Hospice as a whole, and this particular companies protocol. Part of this includes taking online classes and then taking their corresponding tests. Much of it has been interesting and appeals to the student in me even if it is a sore spot with most of my colleagues. Meaning, they don't get as much out of the classes and the tests. The sore spot, as far as I can ascertain, is not with me. Many of the tests are easier for me to skim than the nurses though, because they include treatments to certain medical conditions. My medical vocabulary has increased exponentially in the past week alone. For example, dyspnea means labored breathing and atrophy means a degeneration, a decline or decrease. A very important word to know when working with Hospice.
On my first day, my supervisor asked me into her office with a "spy voice." She asked me, "Have you been able to find another job yet?" "No" I responded. "Good" she said. Apparently there's going to be a woman in the office leaving soon and one of the hats she wears is as a Bereavement Care Coordinator, which I qualify for, and she asked me if I'd be interested in adding the job to my current one so that I could become full time faster. I was definitely interested. So there's that possibility in the future, which may sooner rather than later.
Also, I found out about some inter-departmental drama in my first few days. Apparently a woman is about to leave the company because of some unresolved disagreement between herself and my immediate supervisor. In our conversations, I asked this woman if she had any advice about me working with my supervisor. She said she had two pieces of advice. She warned me to be wary of language like, "Don't you agree...?" I told her that I am on guard of such language in the main. I don't like feeling as though anyone is imposing something on me. The second piece of advice was to go to the big boss, who I have been calling "Super Laura" if I ever feel as though my supervisor is not hearing me or refusing to listen. I have already felt as though seeking out Super Laura would be a comfortable thing. She has been very approachable to me so far. The woman who is leaving says that she has a good feeling about me and thinks I will be fine. Her confidence, even though it came only 5 days into knowing me, was welcomed.
I spent many hours this week getting to know my colleagues. My supervisor even shared with me in a way where I was put in the position as a counselor of spiritual caregiver. She cried to me and shared some sadness in her heart. I listened and, just by virtue of instinct, responding in a way she found helpful.
Here are some of the most valuable things I did this week...or at least give me the most excitement. I helped plan a staff bereavement event happening on July 22nd where everyone in the office will come and have the opportunity to share any grief from losing patients or anyone in their personal life. We'll have music, a fountain in the background, poetry, prayer, a ritual, and a potluck. It was so natural to be a part of this planning! And I'm looking forward to supporting my fellow staff members in their caregiving endeavors, and feeling supported in return.
I also visited my first patient! He is an elderly gentlemen with dementia. We talked for a while, though admittedly much of our conversation was repeated as he couldn't remember what he was saying. But he very genuinely said to me. "Thank you for visiting me." My heart felt so warm.
Yesterday, I went to another's Hospice Organization's Annual Remembrance Ceremony. They invite the family of every person who has died in the last year. They give them the opportunity to share what they would like about their loved one and about their experience with hospice. There was such solidarity in the place. I cried and felt connected to people there. This is the type of event that would fall under the Bereavement duties I would have. Although I think it is directly involved in Spiritual Care as well.
Today, Dan and I went to the Unitarian Universalist Church in Ventura. It was a great first visit. I will be excited to go back and get to know the congregation more. I'm planning on going to a meditation service tomorrow night and to their weekly Friday Night Film (sound familiar CSTers?!)
Hopefully, we'll be having several friends visit next weekend to go see Dark Knight with them and spend another while at the beach. I feel very hopeful about Ventura. For all of you who feel inclined and willing, please send our prayers, good thoughts, include in your meditation, etc. with Dan and his job search. I hope that he can find a place where he can use his photography skills, his A/V gifts, his filming and editing experience...as well as his personal attributes like a level-headed mind in the midst of stress, his ability to see the big picture, his creativity, and his passions for social justice issues. The pastor of the church we visited was very excited to meet us. As Dan puts it, we have skills churches find valuable. She's going on vacation soon, but wants to meet with us when she gets back. How exciting! I hope Dan finds a job before she returns, but if her knowledge and connections could open something up that is more fitting for this incredible person I married, then all the better!
On my first day, my supervisor asked me into her office with a "spy voice." She asked me, "Have you been able to find another job yet?" "No" I responded. "Good" she said. Apparently there's going to be a woman in the office leaving soon and one of the hats she wears is as a Bereavement Care Coordinator, which I qualify for, and she asked me if I'd be interested in adding the job to my current one so that I could become full time faster. I was definitely interested. So there's that possibility in the future, which may sooner rather than later.
Also, I found out about some inter-departmental drama in my first few days. Apparently a woman is about to leave the company because of some unresolved disagreement between herself and my immediate supervisor. In our conversations, I asked this woman if she had any advice about me working with my supervisor. She said she had two pieces of advice. She warned me to be wary of language like, "Don't you agree...?" I told her that I am on guard of such language in the main. I don't like feeling as though anyone is imposing something on me. The second piece of advice was to go to the big boss, who I have been calling "Super Laura" if I ever feel as though my supervisor is not hearing me or refusing to listen. I have already felt as though seeking out Super Laura would be a comfortable thing. She has been very approachable to me so far. The woman who is leaving says that she has a good feeling about me and thinks I will be fine. Her confidence, even though it came only 5 days into knowing me, was welcomed.
I spent many hours this week getting to know my colleagues. My supervisor even shared with me in a way where I was put in the position as a counselor of spiritual caregiver. She cried to me and shared some sadness in her heart. I listened and, just by virtue of instinct, responding in a way she found helpful.
Here are some of the most valuable things I did this week...or at least give me the most excitement. I helped plan a staff bereavement event happening on July 22nd where everyone in the office will come and have the opportunity to share any grief from losing patients or anyone in their personal life. We'll have music, a fountain in the background, poetry, prayer, a ritual, and a potluck. It was so natural to be a part of this planning! And I'm looking forward to supporting my fellow staff members in their caregiving endeavors, and feeling supported in return.
I also visited my first patient! He is an elderly gentlemen with dementia. We talked for a while, though admittedly much of our conversation was repeated as he couldn't remember what he was saying. But he very genuinely said to me. "Thank you for visiting me." My heart felt so warm.
Yesterday, I went to another's Hospice Organization's Annual Remembrance Ceremony. They invite the family of every person who has died in the last year. They give them the opportunity to share what they would like about their loved one and about their experience with hospice. There was such solidarity in the place. I cried and felt connected to people there. This is the type of event that would fall under the Bereavement duties I would have. Although I think it is directly involved in Spiritual Care as well.
Today, Dan and I went to the Unitarian Universalist Church in Ventura. It was a great first visit. I will be excited to go back and get to know the congregation more. I'm planning on going to a meditation service tomorrow night and to their weekly Friday Night Film (sound familiar CSTers?!)
Hopefully, we'll be having several friends visit next weekend to go see Dark Knight with them and spend another while at the beach. I feel very hopeful about Ventura. For all of you who feel inclined and willing, please send our prayers, good thoughts, include in your meditation, etc. with Dan and his job search. I hope that he can find a place where he can use his photography skills, his A/V gifts, his filming and editing experience...as well as his personal attributes like a level-headed mind in the midst of stress, his ability to see the big picture, his creativity, and his passions for social justice issues. The pastor of the church we visited was very excited to meet us. As Dan puts it, we have skills churches find valuable. She's going on vacation soon, but wants to meet with us when she gets back. How exciting! I hope Dan finds a job before she returns, but if her knowledge and connections could open something up that is more fitting for this incredible person I married, then all the better!
Saturday, July 5, 2008
First Visitors
Our friends Paula and Sinnamon just left from their visit here. They came up for the 4th of July and stayed the night. Yesterday we went to a wonderful street fair in Ventura. It was a great way to begin the acclamation to our new neighborhood. In an interesting twist, someone she knew called out Paula's name when we were in town. She was a fellow graduate from CST that graduated the Spring of year we came in the Fall. We had gross fried fair foods, then rounded them off with some nice fruit smoothies later on. We went out on the beach and watched fireworks. It was so interesting to watch the firework smoke ghosts wafting in the sea breeze. the traditional "Oohs" and "Aahs" that usually are interspersed with the sparkling lights were replaced with the crashing of waves. I was standing in the Pacific while the sky flashed reds, purples, and greens. We came home, finished watching a movie together and fell asleep after a sun-drenching and wonderful day.
This morning, we slept in, watched another movie then spent 3 or 4 hours at the beach. Although it was more crowded than we've ever seen it thus far, it was still not as packed as many of the beaches I've been to. Sinnamon, Dan and I braved, however briefly, the frigid water. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I've been so cold. My whole body was burning like it does when I handle snow too long without gloves. But after I took refuge on higher ground, my body temperature became much more comfortable and I was able to enjoy myself. Sinnamon, Paula and I made sand sculptures: a heart, a turtle, and boobs :) The last was sort of an accident on Paula's part, but it was hilarious and we kept it for a while. Then Sinnamon prompted our final creative outlet. We filled our bucket with water and sand. Then we were scoop up both and let the combination fall from our hands in what Sinnamon called "an organic shape." We built several structures. They resembled castles, forests, modern art...It was amazing. We each had our own styles and spent some time trying to make shapes with the others' technique. All the while, we were having deep conversation about very valuable issues. It was perfect.
I also learned that I sensed a feeling of inadequacy in myself when I liked what Sinnamon was accomplishing versus was I was able to create. I slowly reminded myself that I too am an artist. It is a part of my identity that has severely fallen by the wayside during graduate school. Here is the perfect interlude in which to recall a recent exciting event. Dan and I went to a local harbor last weekend and I was looking at all the boats tied to the docks. And my hand was literally twitching with a want to draw them. It has been years since I have felt that way. I still scared about all the unknowns in my life. But, at the same time, I feel as though I'm coming back into myself. Peripherally, I'm also planning on growing my hair back out. I always felt more beautiful with long hair. And since this too is an area in my life that I want to improve my confidence on, I will embrace that part of myself again. I want to feel beautiful.
Then, as if this wasn't enough, we came back and all contributed to an incredible dinner. Paula brought corn which she boiled. Sinnamon made a garlic butter spread to put on it. Dan suggested some brown rice, Sinnamon suggested zucchini and green peppers to go on it. And Paula found a soyaki sauce to cook the vegetables in. We also had a mixed green salad with Korean cucumber and fresh garden and market tomatoes. I added a homemade dressing to the mix and we were all in heaven. Tastebuds satisfied, we came to the point of our goodbyes. We kept trading partners in a hilarity of hugs and kisses that went on for several minutes. While it was sad, I remembered that they're not too far. Public transportation is possible for them and us if we choose. They each borrowed movies so I know they'll be back :)
It was the perfect first visit with friends in our new home. Dan and I worked really hard to make it possible to welcome people without an extraordinary amount of clutter. We still have some clothes to unpack and a few bags/boxes to go through, but it looks great. I'm really proud, and wonderfully content. I really feel at peace. I think this will be a good way to begin work on Monday. As I'm feeling the nervousness, I'm trying to remind myself that I will take it a little as a time. I will meet my new co-workers one by one. I will begin this new community. Hopefully, it can become full time sooner rather than later. That would ease many of my stresses. I'm also hoping the projects that entered my head so easily immediately following the interview will flow back into my mind and will give me more workable hours than they thought. I know they're only basing their estimated weekly work hours on patient load. I envisioned so much more to my job. Which is why I fit it :) I could see a vision for it. But in an effort to save my ideas for "billable hours" I have not worked on them much beyond notes not to forget. As of Monday, though, it's on.
I hope for many things right now. I hope that my boss is as agreeable (Jane Austen word usage) as I recall. I hope that I make good first impressions with my new coworkers that begin comparable working relationships that can last...until my calling may lead me elsewhere. I hope to continue this self-learning that I have begun again. I hope to continue to grow as a person who fully lives, loves, laughs, and learns throughout her life.
Peace and Hope,
Kel
This morning, we slept in, watched another movie then spent 3 or 4 hours at the beach. Although it was more crowded than we've ever seen it thus far, it was still not as packed as many of the beaches I've been to. Sinnamon, Dan and I braved, however briefly, the frigid water. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I've been so cold. My whole body was burning like it does when I handle snow too long without gloves. But after I took refuge on higher ground, my body temperature became much more comfortable and I was able to enjoy myself. Sinnamon, Paula and I made sand sculptures: a heart, a turtle, and boobs :) The last was sort of an accident on Paula's part, but it was hilarious and we kept it for a while. Then Sinnamon prompted our final creative outlet. We filled our bucket with water and sand. Then we were scoop up both and let the combination fall from our hands in what Sinnamon called "an organic shape." We built several structures. They resembled castles, forests, modern art...It was amazing. We each had our own styles and spent some time trying to make shapes with the others' technique. All the while, we were having deep conversation about very valuable issues. It was perfect.
I also learned that I sensed a feeling of inadequacy in myself when I liked what Sinnamon was accomplishing versus was I was able to create. I slowly reminded myself that I too am an artist. It is a part of my identity that has severely fallen by the wayside during graduate school. Here is the perfect interlude in which to recall a recent exciting event. Dan and I went to a local harbor last weekend and I was looking at all the boats tied to the docks. And my hand was literally twitching with a want to draw them. It has been years since I have felt that way. I still scared about all the unknowns in my life. But, at the same time, I feel as though I'm coming back into myself. Peripherally, I'm also planning on growing my hair back out. I always felt more beautiful with long hair. And since this too is an area in my life that I want to improve my confidence on, I will embrace that part of myself again. I want to feel beautiful.
Then, as if this wasn't enough, we came back and all contributed to an incredible dinner. Paula brought corn which she boiled. Sinnamon made a garlic butter spread to put on it. Dan suggested some brown rice, Sinnamon suggested zucchini and green peppers to go on it. And Paula found a soyaki sauce to cook the vegetables in. We also had a mixed green salad with Korean cucumber and fresh garden and market tomatoes. I added a homemade dressing to the mix and we were all in heaven. Tastebuds satisfied, we came to the point of our goodbyes. We kept trading partners in a hilarity of hugs and kisses that went on for several minutes. While it was sad, I remembered that they're not too far. Public transportation is possible for them and us if we choose. They each borrowed movies so I know they'll be back :)
It was the perfect first visit with friends in our new home. Dan and I worked really hard to make it possible to welcome people without an extraordinary amount of clutter. We still have some clothes to unpack and a few bags/boxes to go through, but it looks great. I'm really proud, and wonderfully content. I really feel at peace. I think this will be a good way to begin work on Monday. As I'm feeling the nervousness, I'm trying to remind myself that I will take it a little as a time. I will meet my new co-workers one by one. I will begin this new community. Hopefully, it can become full time sooner rather than later. That would ease many of my stresses. I'm also hoping the projects that entered my head so easily immediately following the interview will flow back into my mind and will give me more workable hours than they thought. I know they're only basing their estimated weekly work hours on patient load. I envisioned so much more to my job. Which is why I fit it :) I could see a vision for it. But in an effort to save my ideas for "billable hours" I have not worked on them much beyond notes not to forget. As of Monday, though, it's on.
I hope for many things right now. I hope that my boss is as agreeable (Jane Austen word usage) as I recall. I hope that I make good first impressions with my new coworkers that begin comparable working relationships that can last...until my calling may lead me elsewhere. I hope to continue this self-learning that I have begun again. I hope to continue to grow as a person who fully lives, loves, laughs, and learns throughout her life.
Peace and Hope,
Kel
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Checking In
I don't have anything new to report really, I just wanted to check in and feel like I was reaching out to people through the wide world of the internet. We're still going through boxes, though it feels slow. We have a couple of friends coming tomorrow for the 4h of July. There's a local street fair full of artists and local foods. I'm so excited to be sharing that with them. They're even spending the night. Mostly because it's too long of a drive to make twice in one way. Well, it can be done, but it's more fun if it's not. Our bedroom is starting to feel like the refuge I want it to be. We have tons of pictures hung all around, which is awesome and makes me feel like we're showing our artistic preferences.
I have been going through my cedar trunk and a drawer my mom kept packed with memorabilia. I have been finding wonderful and hilarious things. Cards from all my younger birthdays. I found old report cards. I've found class photos from all throughout elementary school. I think I'll be scanning those, per Dan's suggestion, and make some smile-worthy tags of the photos on facebook. I have found my cap and gown from high school graduation, and a ton of cards from that as well. I have found certificates and awards from all manner of occasions. I have re-found a couple of letters from my biological parents. I also found the paperwork recording the court proceedings where the people who became my adoptive parents won custody of me. Incidentally, the date they won custody was exactly 20 years prior to my wedding date. Which, considering we changed our wedding date three time, made the final choice even more significant.
At a time when I am at the brink of a new beginning, it's nice to look back at all these things and to remember. I was once confident and felt very supported. While my confidence may have waned over time, I still have support, but it's a different kind. There was a movie that came out last year called Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. In it, Natalie Portman's character talks about feeling she's been nothing but un-actualized potential her whole life; like she peaked too early and has not progressed anywhere since she was a child. There have been times, in my especially low points, that I have felt exactly that way. It's thoughts like this that make me worry about my upcoming job.
But here's what I want:
To be happy
To be fulfilled
To feel peaceful
To feel loved
To connect with people
To connect with nature
To make people's lives a bit better because I have been a part of it
To have a family
To stay in love
I have been going through my cedar trunk and a drawer my mom kept packed with memorabilia. I have been finding wonderful and hilarious things. Cards from all my younger birthdays. I found old report cards. I've found class photos from all throughout elementary school. I think I'll be scanning those, per Dan's suggestion, and make some smile-worthy tags of the photos on facebook. I have found my cap and gown from high school graduation, and a ton of cards from that as well. I have found certificates and awards from all manner of occasions. I have re-found a couple of letters from my biological parents. I also found the paperwork recording the court proceedings where the people who became my adoptive parents won custody of me. Incidentally, the date they won custody was exactly 20 years prior to my wedding date. Which, considering we changed our wedding date three time, made the final choice even more significant.
At a time when I am at the brink of a new beginning, it's nice to look back at all these things and to remember. I was once confident and felt very supported. While my confidence may have waned over time, I still have support, but it's a different kind. There was a movie that came out last year called Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. In it, Natalie Portman's character talks about feeling she's been nothing but un-actualized potential her whole life; like she peaked too early and has not progressed anywhere since she was a child. There have been times, in my especially low points, that I have felt exactly that way. It's thoughts like this that make me worry about my upcoming job.
But here's what I want:
To be happy
To be fulfilled
To feel peaceful
To feel loved
To connect with people
To connect with nature
To make people's lives a bit better because I have been a part of it
To have a family
To stay in love
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