Theological Ramblings

Today during my CPE group, I was challenged with many difficult and upfront things. This is the first time I'm really beginning to process this, so I want to own that this is raw and new. I presented a Verbatim about a man whose father (the patient) was actively dying. This man used language that reminded me of my own Christian past. He spoke in terms of "believers" and "non-believers", was worried for his dad's soul, sounded judgmental of his family members who were also present, and specifically talked about his nephew who is "Unitarian or something." I felt caught in a difficult place trying to be there for this man and wanting to be true to who I am.

Here's some of what came up from the group discussion: I don't really know what my core beliefs are. I know I wrote my Credo statement in the Fall when I was in a "This I Believe" group at my UU Fellowship. But I still have a difficult time really knowing what I believe. The good thing about my faith is that I have the freedom to explore that. But within that freedom comes a lot of open area within which to live out my life as a person and as a minister.

I also was reminded, yet again, how much I have yet to deal with my fundamentalist Christian past. What am I afraid of? I think I'm still angry at the narrow-mindedness I had when in that place. I look at that time like I was a part of a narrow-minded, ignorant cult. And like I got out of it. But sometimes I wonder if I ended up in a similar system, just on the other end of the liberal-progressive pendulum. I was extremely judgmental as a Christian, and yet I am now judgmental as a UU also. I judge most Christians because I think they are judging others. Round and around it goes!

Questions I want to explore more: What were my core beliefs as a fundamentalist Christian? What of them still resonate true to this day? What core beliefs do I have now that are different and/or new from who I was.

I felt totally at a loss earlier today. I was with a group of people, some I've known almost a year, others I've known less...we've talked about really intimate thoughts and feelings. And yet, I really felt at a loss. I was overwhelmed, I felt like I could cry at any moment, but I didn't want to just then because I was worried I'd be asked to explore them and I didn't feel safe to. I walked out of that room feeling like...I didn't have a clue who I was. I couldn't think straight. Did I want to be alone? Did I want to have lunch with the group? Did I want to go on with other conversations and pretend like I didn't feel like I was in a theological turmoil? Yes. In fact, I wanted to pretend that was the case. But more than that, I wanted that not to BE the case.

I feel like I have a lot of searching to do. I want to figure out more why I'm so scared to share my faith and why I think that sharing it is imposing on others. I still have a lot of anger toward Christianity, but it's not all Christianity. When I think of most of my friends from Seminary and their Christian faith, I feel much more peaceful and hopeful. I think it has to do with being in the south, and maybe Wilmington in particular. I definitely need to explore this. My friend, K, wrote a sermon for his UU Fellowship about making peace with Christianity. I need to do that. Not just with the Christianity of my past, but with myself. I am still me. The person I remember from back then still exists...in me. She's still me. I'm different, I've changed, I think differently, love differently, believe differently. But maybe not in all the ways I think. I wonder how much overlaps more than I wish it did. And I wonder about why I need the separation. My faith says it's open to all spiritual paths. I want to believe that. I want to live that way. And for me to do it for others, I need to begin by doing it for myself.

So much work ahead. But hopefully the path leads to further self-awareness and enlightenment.

Open Eyes

I'm trying to see the world with my eyes wide open. I am hopeful that I will be able to grow with the resources around me. Mostly, I'm trying to find people I can grow with spiritually. Last night I went to the first meeting of a group of women. We all somehow work in and/or are passionate about interfaith ministry. One of those women knows my neighbor, A. I have had a few brief encounters with A, but decided today that I would go over and meet her more officially. We had a lovely talk and I am looking forward to more in the future. Things I know about her. She's a woman probably in her late 60s, early 70s. Her husband died 10 years ago and he was an artist. She is a student of Buddhism. She has a meditation garden and large compost pile in her back yard. She's a positive spirit. She is a part of a Goddess Group that meets ever other Monday. Altogether, I think I will like her a ton. It's soon to imagine this, but I'm wondering if there's the possibility that she may become a sort of mentor for me. One step at a time, but it entered my mind. Yay for rhymes :)

Also coming up soon is solo road trip I'll be taking to the NC mountains! I'm going to first spend time with one of my oldest friend, K, before he heads across the country to Berkeley to get his Masters in Public Policy. My heart will ache missing him. I hope to visit him in my beloved California. Also that weekend, I will send E, the former Music Therapy Intern from the hospital where I'm still working. She's working in a camp in Montreat, NC, which is one of her spiritual homes. One the way back from these visits, I will see C, who is from my Pfeiffer University world. I cannot wait! These are three people who I feel absolutely with myself with! Though I wish my loving husband could also accompany me, I'm looking forward to the drive time alone.

I will face the world today with positivity, kindness, open eyes and an open heart.

Peace out!

On Call Calling

Part of my Residency Program is to work on call about once a week. Last night I had two calls. I was up from 3:45am onward. And while I'm exhausted and will be sleeping soon for who knows how long, I can honestly say that I feel like I made a difference in the visits I was a part of. And that feeling like I was a calming, compassionate person feels good. I hope the thought that I mattered to these people in their crises will help me rest well.

Peace.

To Dream, Wonder and Imagine

Currently, I'm in a CPE Residency program. For two Units I was under the supervision of a woman, E. I got pretty close to her during that time, learning about myself and exploring my vocational calling. For the third Unit of my Residency, we changed supervisors. My new supervisor, C, has been a relative unknown over the past several months. Quiet, but when she spoke, I always noticed a depth. It intrigued me. I decided to choose openness when approaching this new supervisory relationship.

I'm not quite sure why, but I already feel more comfortable with C. I find it easy to be honest and truthful with her. But I think my favorite side effect of this new relationship is her encouragement for me to dream. After our last meeting, she told me she wanted me to take some time and stop thinking about my vocational calling in terms of jobs that I knew about. Rather, she wanted me to dream with no boundaries. I was fascinated and excited! I approached it as a new spiritual practice, often using my journal as the recipient.

Over the next few days, however, I learned something that was both surprising and discouraging. I learned that it's so much harder for me to dream than it used to be! I had no idea! But over the last several years, voices (from myself and internalized from others) have battered me with questions like, "What are you going to do?" "How is that practical?" "How will you make a living with that?" and so forth. I increasingly felt inadequate when I couldn't answer. I used to dream and not try to figure out those answers right away. And I made leaps of faith that turned into some of the best decisions of my life. But during this last week, I had to consistently battle that voices of reason, doubt, and skepticism. The truth is, while I want to be a responsible adult, I don't want to be "reasonable" all the time. I was to dance, play, dream, laugh, wonder and imagine! No barriers!

How will I know if the ideal situation comes along if I haven't let myself dream what that would look like?

For this unit, I made some of the most personal goals of all four units of my CPE history. They are as follows:

1) I want to learn to be more self-aware
2) I want to more fully embrace my own uniqueness
3) I would like to learn more about my gifts for ministry (and I would like to add "for life") and how to develop them

Among the steps for each of these goals are: to do things that regularly connect me to myself like play, color, draw, sing, dance, drum, imagine, read, and do yoga and to be honest and truthful in my interactions. My goals feel like me. I was worried when I presented them because I felt vulnerable. But my group had no qualms about them. This was an example of a time when I felt leery about sharing something because I thought I would be criticized. Instead, it was no big deal. I really do think that I worry more than is necessary.

And the prescription for my worry? For now it's to dream, wonder and imagine...