Hysterectomy Feelings

THE NEWS This coming week is a big one. On Wednesday, I'll be having a full hysterectomy. That wasn't the original plan. Originally, I was going ot have surgery to take off an ovarian cyst almost 11cm large. When women have vaginal births, they get to 10cm dilation. THe cyst inside me is basically the size of a newborn infant's head. With a forgein body that ridiculous in size, I've been experiencing increasing bouts of pain and nausea. When my doctor broached the subject of a full hesterectomy as a change to the surgery plan, I think she was a bit nervous at first. I'm only 37 after all. I felt like I could see the worry drain from my doctor's face whein I answered her questions about our family by letting her know we felt complete with one child. Moments later, when she brought up the full hysterectomy, I had to wrap my mind around it; not because it was a new idea, but because I had met resistence months earlier when asking about it. In a previous couple of visits, I was told that it would be ideal to save my right ovary. Keeping it would mean my body could naturally produce hormones which would lead to multiple health benefits. I accepted that reasoning. So what changed? The current cyst has basically taken over my right ovary leaving very little, if any ovarian tissue, left. In August 2013, I had a surgery to drain multiple cysts from on and inside my left ovary. Unfortunately, they came back with a vengeance leading to a second surgery in May 2014 where my left ovary and fallopian tube were taken out. My health history would seem to imply that if we just took this monstrosity out now, that there would likely be further surgeries in the future. When would it end? So instead, we're taking the steps to take out all the remaining reproductive organs. THE REACTIONS Part of how I process things is aloud and with other people. Because I'm pretty intentional with my facebook friends and privacy settings, I shared on that platform about what was happening. I was hoping to receive some love and support as I face my first surgeyr in many years. My hopes were beyond met as I receives comments, texts, and private messages from people. Those who have been aware of all that I've been experiencing were so glad for me that a surgery to alleviate the pain and nausea. And. I could help by notice a persistent response from several people that seemed alarmed and extremely worried because of the type of surgery. "A full hysterectomy?" many people have asked, alarmed. "Are you okay?! How do you feel about that!?" The consistency of such comments had me wondering if I was missing something. Was I overlooking something heinous or tragic because I was having a hysterectomy. After talking to some people, most notably Dan, we came to some presumptive conclusions. We imagined that there is a connection with femininity and womanhood tied to these particular organs. They are, after all, the ones that allow for biological reproduction. So could some people be anxious for me that I was losing something they associated with part of my gender identity? Perhaps. But, as Dan pointed out, because he and I are loving, supportive, and respectiful of transgender personhood, we don't tie these body parts to gender as much. I am a woman because my heart and mind are female. And that will not be any less the case after Wedneday. And I'm gratful for that. CONTINUED PROCESSING Later on this past week, I had another conversation with two friends. They are friends I share many soulful conversations and rituals with. One of them asked if I wanted to do a ritual after my surgery. I thought about it and at first, I'll admit, I was extremely resistent. As I thought more about why, I realize I've come to feel deep anger toward these parts of my body. They have been causing me pain and nausea in increasingly awful amounts for the last several months. I once had a psychology professor who explained that something was a problem based on how much it interfered in your life. By those standards, the cyst and its subsequent symptoms have been an enormous problem. When I lie down in Emma's bed to help her go to sleep, I can't lie on my right side because of the pain. If I roll over onto that side in the middle of the night, I wake up in agony. I've occasionally had to pull over while driving becauase a sharp pain becomes so insistent, that I don't feel safe on the road. And most recently, the tenderness in my back has been such that even the pressure os sitting back on a cushioned couch or chair becomes too much after a while. And the entire process of day-to-day movement makes me so exhausted, both physically and emotionally. So yes, I've been extremely angry. But saying it aloud to my friends caused me to pause. I don't want to approach my surgery with angry. I'd rather face it with hopefully and attempts at calming my anxiety. GRATITUDE Recently, we traded in my very small Mitsubishi Mirage (The Blueberry) for an SUV (Hazel). In the time leading up to getting Hazel, Emma was struggling with the idea. She's in the phase where things in her life have "aaaallllways" been and she doesn't want to let anything go. So as a way to help her process it, on the way to her daycare one day I suggested we thank The Blueberry for all that it had done for us. We went back and forth for a while and it was amazing. We thanked The Blueberry for being the first care Emma ever rode in as we drove home from the hospital. We thanked it for taking us to school and on errands. I thanked it for taking me to patients' homes and nursing homes. Emma thanked it for driving us to the "place where we paint pottery" and "to the grocery store." She literally brought tears to my eye by enthusiastically exclaiming, "Thank you for taking me to all the people I love!" By the time we did the trade in, I was filled with such gratitude. I was ready for the change. I was, and am, so thankful for the years we had The Blueberry. She served our little family well while we had her. And the phase in my life where she best fit had come to a close. I have a similar feeling as I approach my surgery. These parts of my body that have been making me hurt and causing my anger are more than just these past few months. This right ovary helped me conceive Emma. My uteras made a home for her and nourished her in my body before I could hold her in my arms. They helped our family grow from two to three. I am grateful beyond words that Dan and I are both so settled in our triangle family. It is the right shape for us. These parts of my body made Emma's presence in our life possible. And, just as with The Blueberry, they no longer fit for us. And it's time for me to let go of them. I hope for a time in the near future when I'm not in as much pain. I hope that I will be able to play with Emma more and longer. I hope I will be able to run around, be silly, dance, stretch, and live life in a less limited way. I pray for the medical team, that they are well rested and have steady hands and clear minds as they perform this surgery. I pray that I find moments of calm despite the fact that Dan won't be able to enter the hospital with me. I pray that my recovery goes well. And I pray that my family and friends hear me when I tell them how much I love them and how thankful I am for them in my life. They have been showing such kindness, care, and compassion. And I am grateful.