In a Holding Pattern

I feel the need to vent a little about a cyclical problem I'm having. It's going to take a little back story, so please be patient while I get to the current issue.

I began seminary in August 2005. At the time I called myself a "disgruntled Methodist." I was raised in the United Methodist Church and it was a wonderful place to grow up. My church of origin was full of love and support. However, as I began being introduced to new ideas and religious perspectives in college, my worldview and religious views began to morph and transform. The end result was that scholarly views of reading the Bible made more sense to me than an inerrant, infallible reading. Learning about Biblical stories in their historical context changed how I viewed them. They retained meaning, but with new depth built upon history, reason, and years of scholarly research. However, what I learned in school did not match what was/is taught in most Christian churches. Bishop John Shelby Spong wrote in his recent article for Huffington Post "The contrast between the way the Bible is understood in the academic world and the way it is viewed in our churches is striking." In my experience, this is very much true. I have found a spiritual connection in the academic world more so than in most churches.

But I digress...

After graduating from college, I spent a year in the work force doing a job that was a very poor fit. For those of you who know me well, imagine me sitting in a cube all day calculating numbers from various formulas. The primary person-to-person interactions I had with coworkers occurred when things went wrong. And I had a very conflict avoiding boss who would leave sticky notes on people's desks rather than talk to them face to face to resolve problems. What this did was inspire me to look ahead and try to find something better. I began applying to seminaries. I knew if I got in, I would be moving away from North Carolina as the four schools were in California, Colorado, New Jersey, and Georgia. The best fit by far was Claremont school of Theology in California. After hearing back from all the schools, I started at Claremont and began my education as "a disgruntled Methodist" as mentioned above.

What I mean by that phrase is, I still considered myself a part of my church of origin, but no longer felt it was a good fit. And when people asked me what church I belonged to, I felt the need to explain further. "I'm United Methodist, but..." For example, "I'm United Methodist, but I'm my church is against having openly gay clergy and I think that's wrong." That was the largest point of contention. But it was more than that. I found myself inspired by multiple religions and wanted a place where this concept was not only tolerated but accepted and encouraged. In seminary was where I met my first Unitarian Universalists. The more I learned over the years, the better a fit it seemed.

Here's more...

When I began my time at CST, I was in the Masters of Divinity (MDiv) program. When I began pastoral care classes, I sought to change my degree to an Master of Arts in Pastoral Care and Counseling. I spoke with the admissions counselor, who was the person I needed to go through in order to make this change. She strongly discouraged me from doing so. Her primary reason for trying to persuade me otherwise was that most faith groups required an MDiv for any type of ordination. One known exception was the United Methodist Church who required their ordained Deacons to have a masters degree, but not necessarily an MDiv.

Now here's where the problem really begins. Because of my headstrong, you-can't-tell-me-what's-best-for-me attitude, I changed degree programs anyhow. I reasoned that I did not feel called to ordination and that if I changed my mind or felt something different in the future, then I could become a UMC Deacon.

I continued in my degree program, taking the most remarkable classes from very interesting and intelligent professors. I embraced my first role as a Chaplain at Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center and Orthopedic Hospital. I learned so much about Chaplaincy and myself during that CPE internship. I went on to be a Pastoral Counseling Intern at The Clinebell Institute. Ultimately, I learned that pastoral care and chaplaincy was a better fit for me than formal counseling.

I completed my degree, having worked hard to more fully learn about pastoral care and counseling in my classes and experiences. I still did not feel a call to ordination. As graduation neared, I was searching desperately for a job. At that time, Dan came across a poster advertising a Hospice Bereavement Coordinator position in Palm Springs. I interviewed for the job, but did not get it. However, that experience led me the company that ultimately became my first hospice employer.

I officially went into to Chaplaincy and grew in my pastoral identity while caring for people in very emotional and heart-wrenching times. I gained confidence in my ability to be calm in the midst of chaos and to provide spiritual care for a people from various religious backgrounds. I have since worked at a second hospital through a CPE Residency Program and am currently working as a Hospice Chaplain and Bereavement Coordinator. The job, company, and my coworkers are an incredible fit. I feel like I am able to bring my education, experience, personality, and intuition to my job on a daily bases.

However, I am still not ordained. And I am now strongly feeling a call to become so. In the UUA, the process is called Fellowshipping, where I would be officially endorsed by our governing body.

But there are many obstacles. Which brings me to the present and the reason for this post in the first place. And because I like lists and they help me sort through things, here is my list of woe. (Dramatic aren't I?)

• The Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA) requires an MDiv or its educational equivalent for ordination/fellowshipping
• As stated above, I have an MA in Pastoral Care and Counseling rather than an MDiv, which is more of a problem than you'd think. In order to prove I have the educational equivalent, I would likely have to take classes online from one of the two UU seminaries which I currently cannot afford.
• The UUA also requires a church internship for ordination/fellowshipping
• As I mentioned, I have completed two internships and a residency in ministry. But I have not interned at a church.
• To get an internship at a church I would probably need to move because the only church locally is the one I am a member of, and I've been told (understandably) that I could not be an intern there because I am too connected and people could not be impartial toward me.
• To move, I would have to leave my current job which I love and get a significant level of satisfaction from.
• Moving would also take me away from my family, who were the big reason I moved to begin with.
  
• All this would be to gain the title of the Rev. Kelley Wheat-Rivers
• But the end result would be that I would want a job exactly like the one I already have and am loathe to leave.
• If something should happen to my current job or company, I would, of course need to pursue work elsewhere. And the fact is that most Chaplaincy positions require ordination/denominational endorsement. It just so happened that my current position did not.

That's the basis of it all. Do I leave my current job to pursue the steps to become ordained, all the while wanting a job like this one anyway?

And the final side of this (for now) is that in addition to all of the above, Dan and I both want to start a family in the near-ish future. But we currently can't afford to and if I pursue all of the above, it's going to push off us starting a family even longer. This is something I become more potently aware of each time I learn another friend is pregnant for the first and sometimes the second time.

So I feel stuck. And sad. I want to be fully embraced as clergy. As it is, even though I do ministry daily, I feel "less than" other ministers because of my lack of title. I don't feel like I should wear clergy collars or robes. I call myself a Chaplain, but am reluctant to introduce myself as a Minister. And I'm not fully connected in the UU Church like I want to be. I'm not fully supported or endorsed.

When I met with people from the Ordination Office of the UUA, they said people being landlocked was the biggest problem people had in moving forward with ministry aspirations. I certainly fit into that grouping. And truly, I get so overwhelmed by it all that it's difficult take the next step. Or even figure out what the next step is.

As of today I've contacted the Ministerial Credentialing Director Unitarian Universalist Association to see if we can talk via the phone or skype to figure out what my next step will be. I just hope that when the time comes for me to make a decision about what's next, I'll be able to do so...