Eat, Pray, Love

For my CPE Residency, I had a didactic presentation to do recently. I had to present a book I read to my group in a creative way. I actually really enjoyed my presentation and the time I had with my colleagues. Prior to the day of my didactic, I had purchased Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. After seeing a preview for the upcoming movie starring Julia Roberts, I decided I must read this book before watching the incredible looking movie. But seeing as I had another book I was supposed to be reading, I made myself promise that I wouldn't start this book until after my presentation day. Miraculously, I made it to that deadline (and then some) which is out of character for me. I think listening to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in my car (I couldn't read in there anyway!) helped. But Harry Potter was over and my didactic done, so I began this extremely interesting book about one woman's journey.

I'm already hooked. And, thought I'm only 38 pages into the story, I have already learned a bit about myself. So here are some of the insights that have come up for me from this enthralling novel: I haven't prayed directly to God in a long time. At least not consistently. Well, let me clarify. I actually do pray quite a lot in the hospital. I pray for patients and their families. I pray in our devotion time with my fellow chaplains. And, on the rarer occasion, I pray with and for one of my colleagues. But what I do not do consistently is pray to God, from my heart, for my heart.

Last week, one of my colleagues said something to me that hurt me deeply. I was being more open about the way I think about God, and energy, and the Universe. I was talking about my spiritual journey and how I had become UU. His response was honest, and, looking back I'm truly grateful for it. But, at the time, my heart broke a little. What he said was that he thought God hurt because of my spiritual decisions. From his perspective, God's incarnation in Jesus Christ is the only spiritual path. And those that choose otherwise are going against God's will and that therefore God would be hurt because of their decisions; because of my decision.

His honesty, which at first I shied away from, was something I have been exploring further in the past couple of days. What I realized earnestly...is that I disagree. The idea that trying to be who I authentically am is hurting God is deeply painful. But for me, I believe that God understands my search, even more than I do. I think God cares, is glad that I seek spiritual paths, and that I'm on this journey. So I talked to God about it, something I haven't done in a while.

I think part of why I shied away from conversations with God is because of how much I've changed since I was a very conservative Christian. Because I had changed so much, I thought my image of God must therefore change also. But what I'm realizing is that the God of my Christian self is still very much the God of my now-self. This was a surprise to discover. I also think of God as a spirit, the indefinable, hard to nail, floaty-God that I feel connected to in nature. Sometimes I imagine these two God images together, but I haven't often. Somehow I think owning that my image of God is similar to what it once was will help me see these two aspects of God together.

In Eat, Pray, Love, after Gilbert mentions "God" for the first time, she then writes,

"And since this is the first time I have introduced that loaded word-GOD-into my book, and since this is a word which will appear many times again throughout these pages, it seems only fair that I pause here for a moment to explain exactly what I mean when I say that word, just so people can decide right away how offended they need to get."

I chuckled, feeling like I understood how she felt.

She continued:

"... let me first explain why I use the word God, when I could just as easily use the words Jehovah, Allah, Shiva, Brahma, Vishnu, or Zeus...I have nothing against any of these terms. I feel they are all equal because they are all equally adequate and inadequate descriptions of the indescribable. But we each do need a functional name for this indescribability, and "God" is the name that feels the most warm to me, so that's what I use. I should also confess that I generally refer to God as "Him", which doesn't bother me because, to my mind, it's just a convenient personalizing pronoun, not a precise anatomical description or a cause for revolution. Of course, I don't mind if people call God "Her", and I understand the urge to do so. Again-to me, these are both equal terms, equally adequate and inadequate. Though I do think the capitalization of either pronoun is a nice touch, a small politeness in the presence of the divine." (p.13)

I don't think I intended to write that much at first, but I just wanted to include the entire excerpt in here. I call God different things. Sometimes I address the Universe in my prayers, a habit I picked up from the language of The Artist's Way. At my UU Fellowship the minister often addresses "Spirit of Life and Love" which also resonates with me. But I also find that the word "God" seems more encompassing and makes me think of many things at once. I like the openness.

This morning, during my morning pages, I addressed God about my feelings regarding what P said at work last week. I felt more connected to God than I had in a while. Another thought I toyed with is the idea that every person is divine, that our innermost core is sacred. And I wonder if the "substance" of God is the same as this sacred core. Following this line of thought, then connecting to myself means connecting to God. Hmm...food for thought and further consideration. I might address this again in the future.

For now, I'm heading away from the blogosphere, but I hope to return again soon!

Peace!

A Restful Day & Geographical Ponderings

Today I deliberately slept in. I didn't go to bed until about 1 and slept in 'til 11. It was wonderful. I reheated a lovely stuffed pepper, watched the latter half of a TV Movie, and am now listening to Harry Potter 7 while typing this blog. Later today I'm going to a movie for the first time in a long while.

Today I'm also feeling jealous of a friend of mine. K just arrived in Berkeley, CA, about to begin the next phase of his life in Grad school there. I really miss California. I'm going to type out my honest thoughts right now, though not really being sure what they are. So here we go...

I don't think living in Wilmington, NC is adventurous enough for me. When in California, I really loved living there. I loved telling people in NC, "I live in California." The shock and impressed look on the people's faces made me feel proud. Yes, I did move all the way across the country from where I grew up. Yes I did begin a life elsewhere. I felt so awesome! Now...When people ask me where I group up and I say, "Here." Blech. It feels awful. Because it's not readily clear that I moved so far away and explored the world outside of Wilmington! Which I have!

I do want to move. But I also feel tied to my family. I like having the random days hanging out with my mom. I like being able to be a part of family things. But...but...I still don't want to be here. When we were planning to move, I really thought I would love it here. I truly did. But I think it took moving here for me to realize that this is not where I want to settle down. I'm not sure I want to settle in general.

Where do I want to live? California is still a huge part of my heart. I also really love Oregon. But, as I said above, I feel too tied to family to move that far away again. It makes me feel resentful. I think I would like to live in the mountains of North Carolina. Perhaps somewhere around Asheville. I definitely would love to live where waterfalls are easily accessible. I'm not really sure where else might be on the list. I often take the quiz on findyourspot.com, but am not really sure about whether or not I'd want to move to any of the places that come up.

Ugh. Feeling unsettled and ready for adventures!!

Being a Free Spirit

A coworker of mine came to work today with 6 books to share with me, all by a woman artist named SARK. I had never heard of her. My coworker, P, was shocked, "You haven't heard of SARK?" she asked surprised and appalled. I told her, "It's because you're the person whose supposed to introduce her to me." So today....she did.

Here are the titles of the books she shared:
"Creative Companion: How to Free Your Creative Spirit"
"The Bodacious Book of Succulence: Daring to Live your Succulent Wild Life!"
"The Ultimate Nap Book: Change Your Life Without Getting Out of Bed"
"Succulent Wild Woman: Dancing with Your Wonder-full Self!"
"Prosperity Pie: How to Relax About Money and Everything Else"
"Inspiration Sandwich: Stories to Inspire Our Creative Freedom"

I. Am. Enthralled. I love these books already. I want to be this person. What if I wrote books abotu how to be your creative self? I could do that! I want to write children's books about being who you are. Some of my favorite ever books are by a man named Peter H. Reynolds. Two of them are called "Ish" and "The Dot".

I want to live my life as a Free Spirit. Free and Creative. I want to dream and not let my fears get in the way. I want to love and laugh! I want to be me!