Choir was last night at the UU Church, and it was a good surprise. I have become aware of something. The woman who sits beside me is particularly miffed with a woman in the alto section. The alto woman was not there last night, so the negative energy was WAY less than is typical. It was a good surprise because I actually had a good time last night. However, it makes me sad that I am so susceptible to moods.
My friend Kt and I have had discussions about our responses to people's moods and energies. She's a Social Worker and I'm a Spiritual Care and Bereavement Coordinator. She and I both compassionate, empathetic people. Which...can be difficult. Because we work in Hospice and are constantly dealing with high levels of emotion. And that's the thing. It's a blessing and a curse. It's wonderful to be able to it with people in their emotions and support them even if you don't anything you can say or do. But, it's emotionally exhausting, and is the reason I need things like choir to be nurturing.
I wanted to share some of the words from one of my choir's songs. The song is called "Seed to Sow". I wish you could hear the tune. It stirs my heart.
Some people quietly reveal in the manner of the meek
Some people shout the way they feel to a radical degree
Some people sing it to express, while others hear another call
Some people speak with subtleness, some don't rely on words at all
But let me tell you 'bout one thing, I know,
everybody's got a seed to sow
Let your heart of hearts take you down the road
Ev'rybody's got a seed to sow.
We all are pieces of the whole,
with diff'rent feelings to evoke
Giving distinction to the role
diff'rent players, different strokes
Some people walk, some people race
Some people vary in their pace
But God can use what you can give,
within the myst'ry of God's ways
All for now!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
I knew this would happen
I knew that regardless of the homesickness felt while in NC, that I would adjust to being back in CA. This, for the most part has been true. I have gotten back into my job, run an event, will be visiting patients, ave been to a memorial service, etc.
Tonight I'm going to a book club and choir practice at the UU church where we just became members. I do fit here. It's so strange, because when I'm in NC, I really feel as though I could stay and, thought I would terrible miss people, that I could live there. But then I come home, and the pain I felt lessens so dramatically that it feels like it was a dream that I ever felt that way.
It's not quite as drastic a drop of feelings as it was when we lived in Claremont/Upland, because we had an even more incredible community there. I think I'll still look up jobs in NC and consider a Chaplain residency at New Hanover Medical Center or some other place near Wilmington.
Another thought I want to share: Choir at CST was way more spiritually nourishing and uplifting than the choir at the UU church. There's so much negative energy. Because of the part that I sing, I'm next to this woman who is constantly throwing out insulting comments out about fellow singers. In particular, she does not care for this one person and is constantly being bitchy. The negative energy is so palpable that I leave feeling frustrated, annoyed, and drained. On the completely other hand, I never flt more uplifted and happy than I did at CST choir. I laughed so much, made silly comments, felt loved...I miss it dreadfully.
And on that longing note, I must get ready for work now. Peace.
Tonight I'm going to a book club and choir practice at the UU church where we just became members. I do fit here. It's so strange, because when I'm in NC, I really feel as though I could stay and, thought I would terrible miss people, that I could live there. But then I come home, and the pain I felt lessens so dramatically that it feels like it was a dream that I ever felt that way.
It's not quite as drastic a drop of feelings as it was when we lived in Claremont/Upland, because we had an even more incredible community there. I think I'll still look up jobs in NC and consider a Chaplain residency at New Hanover Medical Center or some other place near Wilmington.
Another thought I want to share: Choir at CST was way more spiritually nourishing and uplifting than the choir at the UU church. There's so much negative energy. Because of the part that I sing, I'm next to this woman who is constantly throwing out insulting comments out about fellow singers. In particular, she does not care for this one person and is constantly being bitchy. The negative energy is so palpable that I leave feeling frustrated, annoyed, and drained. On the completely other hand, I never flt more uplifted and happy than I did at CST choir. I laughed so much, made silly comments, felt loved...I miss it dreadfully.
And on that longing note, I must get ready for work now. Peace.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Update and NC
This blog is long overdue. It's strange because when I'm out making memories, I actually imagine what I would say in a blog about them. But I have little follow through. So here are some of the realy big things that have happened.
My Hospice Office has been bought out by another company. As of November 1st, we will be Hospice Care of the West. This is my last week with Odyssey Healthcare. I have no idea what the next few weeks or months will bring with this job. But I do know that the other Spiritual Care Coordinator will not be coming with us to the new company. I do not think that it was his decision, but rather the company's. I'm still processing that.
Also at work, A new Social Worker started after I did and she and I hit it off right from the start. We are the same age and have very similar political and social views. Our humors compliment one another. She has already stepped up and taken care of my Izzie kitty when I've needed her and I'm hoping to pay her back by watching her ferrets when she goes home for Thanksgiving.
Last week was a really tough week. Monday, we got a phonecall saying Dan's grandfather had died, so we immediately starting making preparations to go home. We flew overnight Wednesday, hardly slept at all on the way, and got here and stayed with my parents for just a couple of hours. I thought my heart would break leaving them after just a couple of hours.
Then we went to be with Dan's family and support them. I have never felt more a part of their family than I did this weekend. I got to know people a little bit more, and got to hear stories, and got to be there for them, and laugh with them, and just...be. It was wonderful.
Dan had a job interview last week, and though it went extremely well...he didn't get the job. I almost screamed from the unfairness I felt from it. He is amazing and smart and has a freakin' masters degree! What's worse is that we found out the same day of his grandfather's funeral, and the day we found out about the terminal diagnosis of a friend's mom. When we left, Dan's dad gave me a hug, a real hug. He kissed my cheek, told me he loved me, and made me cry. It was so special and meaningful.
Then we went to spend see my cousin at ECU. We saw her apartment, we were taken around campus where she's a sophomore, then took her out to a birthday dinner the day after her 20th birthday! This is something we never would have been able to do before because of the distance. I cried so much on this trip, I feel completely drained of emotion.
One thing I have truly decided. I want to move back to North Carolina. Perhaps to Wilmington in particular. I want and need to be closer to family. This trip truly showed me that. Dan said it. THat if we moved back, it would feel like we were settling down. We both feel that way. And, as scary as that is, it feels like what we want to do. If we lived closer, it would be better when we had kids. This weekend Dan told me how his cousins were closer to his grandfather because Dan and Marc lived further from him when they were little...when the relationships began being formed. If we lived in Wilmington, my parents would be there. Dan's parents would be just a few hours a way. It's cheaper to live there. We like the town. It's near the beach. There are Seasons that mark the passing of the years. Izzie wouldn't have to travel on the plane when we went to see family. We would be CLOSER to family!! We wouldn't miss as much, we could be there to help, we could make memories.
We could move into a new phase of our life. We could be parents in the next few years. Holy crap, that's scary. But still, something that we want. Yesterday Dan started a sentence with, 'When we have kids..." I honestly can't remember what the end of the sentence was...but I remember that sentence and I remember it moved me.
I cried so much on this trip, I feel completely drained of emotion. But I realized several things through when talking to Dan. We DO have amazing community out here in California. But many of our friends and mostly transient. They won't be here permanently (most likely) because they're in school here.
I'm going to be doing research into what it would mean to move back. It may take a year. It may take less. Who knows? But I don't think we will tell the specifics to people (meaning family mostly) until we know more, or decide more. The pain I felt leaving family this weekend...it's self-inflicted. That's what I keep thinking. I'm choosing this. It was a good decision..no, it was a WONDERFUL decision to move to California and to get our masters degrees here. Staying here though, feels like an act of rebellion. Mostly a rebellion against parents and the feeling of making a decision solely because they want it, not because it's the assuredly right thing for us.
More to come, but these are some of the key thoughts that I wanted to get out and share. In the comments section, tell me about times when you made decisions to rebel against family. :)
My Hospice Office has been bought out by another company. As of November 1st, we will be Hospice Care of the West. This is my last week with Odyssey Healthcare. I have no idea what the next few weeks or months will bring with this job. But I do know that the other Spiritual Care Coordinator will not be coming with us to the new company. I do not think that it was his decision, but rather the company's. I'm still processing that.
Also at work, A new Social Worker started after I did and she and I hit it off right from the start. We are the same age and have very similar political and social views. Our humors compliment one another. She has already stepped up and taken care of my Izzie kitty when I've needed her and I'm hoping to pay her back by watching her ferrets when she goes home for Thanksgiving.
Last week was a really tough week. Monday, we got a phonecall saying Dan's grandfather had died, so we immediately starting making preparations to go home. We flew overnight Wednesday, hardly slept at all on the way, and got here and stayed with my parents for just a couple of hours. I thought my heart would break leaving them after just a couple of hours.
Then we went to be with Dan's family and support them. I have never felt more a part of their family than I did this weekend. I got to know people a little bit more, and got to hear stories, and got to be there for them, and laugh with them, and just...be. It was wonderful.
Dan had a job interview last week, and though it went extremely well...he didn't get the job. I almost screamed from the unfairness I felt from it. He is amazing and smart and has a freakin' masters degree! What's worse is that we found out the same day of his grandfather's funeral, and the day we found out about the terminal diagnosis of a friend's mom. When we left, Dan's dad gave me a hug, a real hug. He kissed my cheek, told me he loved me, and made me cry. It was so special and meaningful.
Then we went to spend see my cousin at ECU. We saw her apartment, we were taken around campus where she's a sophomore, then took her out to a birthday dinner the day after her 20th birthday! This is something we never would have been able to do before because of the distance. I cried so much on this trip, I feel completely drained of emotion.
One thing I have truly decided. I want to move back to North Carolina. Perhaps to Wilmington in particular. I want and need to be closer to family. This trip truly showed me that. Dan said it. THat if we moved back, it would feel like we were settling down. We both feel that way. And, as scary as that is, it feels like what we want to do. If we lived closer, it would be better when we had kids. This weekend Dan told me how his cousins were closer to his grandfather because Dan and Marc lived further from him when they were little...when the relationships began being formed. If we lived in Wilmington, my parents would be there. Dan's parents would be just a few hours a way. It's cheaper to live there. We like the town. It's near the beach. There are Seasons that mark the passing of the years. Izzie wouldn't have to travel on the plane when we went to see family. We would be CLOSER to family!! We wouldn't miss as much, we could be there to help, we could make memories.
We could move into a new phase of our life. We could be parents in the next few years. Holy crap, that's scary. But still, something that we want. Yesterday Dan started a sentence with, 'When we have kids..." I honestly can't remember what the end of the sentence was...but I remember that sentence and I remember it moved me.
I cried so much on this trip, I feel completely drained of emotion. But I realized several things through when talking to Dan. We DO have amazing community out here in California. But many of our friends and mostly transient. They won't be here permanently (most likely) because they're in school here.
I'm going to be doing research into what it would mean to move back. It may take a year. It may take less. Who knows? But I don't think we will tell the specifics to people (meaning family mostly) until we know more, or decide more. The pain I felt leaving family this weekend...it's self-inflicted. That's what I keep thinking. I'm choosing this. It was a good decision..no, it was a WONDERFUL decision to move to California and to get our masters degrees here. Staying here though, feels like an act of rebellion. Mostly a rebellion against parents and the feeling of making a decision solely because they want it, not because it's the assuredly right thing for us.
More to come, but these are some of the key thoughts that I wanted to get out and share. In the comments section, tell me about times when you made decisions to rebel against family. :)
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Old Friends
This past week, a friend I have known for about 15 years came out to visit Dan and I. I got a call from him a few weeks ago asking if he could come for a visit. We had lost touch for several years, keeping up with each other though online communities like facebook. Hearing from him was a wonderful surprise, but also...it made me nervous. We hadn't really spoken on a deeper level in years. Only being able to speak for my own transformations, but they have been significant. This friend and I were fundamentalist Christian friends who thought our most loving duty was to invite people to church so that they could be saved.
Well...
We have changed sooo similarly it's frightening. We have both been attending UU churches, have had amazing personal growth experiences that have less us to being more open-minded and caring people. We are both trying to expand our self-awareness further. We have had an amazing week. He's also gotten a chance to get to know Dan more, which is wonderful. They have had so much to talk about, especially as they are both politically progressive and this was the week for the Republican National Convention :) There have been no shortages of topics.
My friend decided to come during a week that happened to be the inaugural week for two UU church groups: one a book club, the other, choir. I have been looking forward to these two groups for a while and was worried that the presence of my friend may make me unable to go. But instead, he got the book and read the first couple of chapters and wrote his response, and went to choir with me. Then we had a late night dinner and walked on the beach for a couple of hours. It was incredible and heart-warming. We learned so much about each other and shared much of what has happened to us in the last few years.
I am grateful for friends.
Well...
We have changed sooo similarly it's frightening. We have both been attending UU churches, have had amazing personal growth experiences that have less us to being more open-minded and caring people. We are both trying to expand our self-awareness further. We have had an amazing week. He's also gotten a chance to get to know Dan more, which is wonderful. They have had so much to talk about, especially as they are both politically progressive and this was the week for the Republican National Convention :) There have been no shortages of topics.
My friend decided to come during a week that happened to be the inaugural week for two UU church groups: one a book club, the other, choir. I have been looking forward to these two groups for a while and was worried that the presence of my friend may make me unable to go. But instead, he got the book and read the first couple of chapters and wrote his response, and went to choir with me. Then we had a late night dinner and walked on the beach for a couple of hours. It was incredible and heart-warming. We learned so much about each other and shared much of what has happened to us in the last few years.
I am grateful for friends.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Jane Austen
I once knew a person who read everything she could about John F. Kennedy. Biographies, articles, etc. I thought it very interesting that she would devote so much time to learn so much about an historical figure. I envied it and thought, I would love to have that, but who?
But as years have gone by, I have realized I have someone. Jane Austen is my person. She is the one whose story captivates me, whose writing enthralls me and draws me back again and again, and whose insights on the livelihood of women of her time is priceless in its uniqueness.
Tonight I watched "Becoming Jane" and cried. The unrequited nature of her life breaks my heart. Would that I could change it for her. She wrote characters who, through trial and difficulty, eventually get the yearnings of their heart. Some may call it naive, but I prefer to believe that there is hope for just such possibility. I will continue to read and reread her novels, and gain inspiration and promise in their hope. I will fully appreciate the love of my life who I was fortunate enough to marry. I will try and do good and be kind in a way that all of Jane's characters manage, even if it takes them time and enlightenment.
Jane, you will be well remembered and often cherished for your wit, your humour, and your love. I wish you had been able to have more of it in your lifetime. Rest in peace.
But as years have gone by, I have realized I have someone. Jane Austen is my person. She is the one whose story captivates me, whose writing enthralls me and draws me back again and again, and whose insights on the livelihood of women of her time is priceless in its uniqueness.
Tonight I watched "Becoming Jane" and cried. The unrequited nature of her life breaks my heart. Would that I could change it for her. She wrote characters who, through trial and difficulty, eventually get the yearnings of their heart. Some may call it naive, but I prefer to believe that there is hope for just such possibility. I will continue to read and reread her novels, and gain inspiration and promise in their hope. I will fully appreciate the love of my life who I was fortunate enough to marry. I will try and do good and be kind in a way that all of Jane's characters manage, even if it takes them time and enlightenment.
Jane, you will be well remembered and often cherished for your wit, your humour, and your love. I wish you had been able to have more of it in your lifetime. Rest in peace.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Expected Excitement
This weekend I am heading back to the Inland Empire for a couple of glorious days spent in the company of several friends. I'll be going to a double pirate birthday party, going dancing at a gay club I have yet to be able to visit, spending the night with wonderful friend, and hopefully having some great conversations all the while.
Just one more day at work before I can embrace the list above. I have a visit with a patient's daughter today. I don't know what it will be like, but my last conversation with her was pretty good. I have some ideas about what may be topics we light upon. Basically, I want to see how her vacation was last week for starters because she finally allowed herself the time for some self care. She was able to take her grandchildren to a water park for a whole week while we cared for her mother. I want to see how doing that was for her.
Also, I haven't heard much from my family this week. There were a couple of weeks where I was calling to check in almost everyday. What's sad is that, my mom rarely ever calls me. It's only to leave messages like, "I haven't heard from you in a while. Are you alright!??!" News to my mom: The phones can be used other than to reach out in a made-up emergency situation. I like keeping in touch with people and trying to stay connected to them. But ti can wear on me when all the attempted connection comes from my corner. Le sigh.
Off for now. Gotta get ready for my last day or work before friend craziness!!!
Just one more day at work before I can embrace the list above. I have a visit with a patient's daughter today. I don't know what it will be like, but my last conversation with her was pretty good. I have some ideas about what may be topics we light upon. Basically, I want to see how her vacation was last week for starters because she finally allowed herself the time for some self care. She was able to take her grandchildren to a water park for a whole week while we cared for her mother. I want to see how doing that was for her.
Also, I haven't heard much from my family this week. There were a couple of weeks where I was calling to check in almost everyday. What's sad is that, my mom rarely ever calls me. It's only to leave messages like, "I haven't heard from you in a while. Are you alright!??!" News to my mom: The phones can be used other than to reach out in a made-up emergency situation. I like keeping in touch with people and trying to stay connected to them. But ti can wear on me when all the attempted connection comes from my corner. Le sigh.
Off for now. Gotta get ready for my last day or work before friend craziness!!!
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Death Bed Visit
This weekend was my first weekend on call for the Hospice I'm working with, and we had two deaths. Our census (patient load) is not very large, so it's surprising to have two deaths in one weekend. Actually, in a day.
I won't go into a lot, but it definitely shook me. On Monday, this man and I were laughing about our names rhyming with "smelly" and the nicknames that inevitably followed in our school days. And today, I was helping to dress him in the clothes picked out by his wife, son, and daughter-in-law. It was very hard. It just hit me at full force how mortal we all are. I suspected this would be my response to my job at some point, but up 'til now it has been very much on an intellectual level. Today it hit an emotional and spiritual one.
I don't think I can write much more now. I'm going to spend some time with my wonderful husband.
Peace.
I won't go into a lot, but it definitely shook me. On Monday, this man and I were laughing about our names rhyming with "smelly" and the nicknames that inevitably followed in our school days. And today, I was helping to dress him in the clothes picked out by his wife, son, and daughter-in-law. It was very hard. It just hit me at full force how mortal we all are. I suspected this would be my response to my job at some point, but up 'til now it has been very much on an intellectual level. Today it hit an emotional and spiritual one.
I don't think I can write much more now. I'm going to spend some time with my wonderful husband.
Peace.
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