21 Weeks

Because I was late writing last week, I've already updated my blog a bit. But I still want to keep to my intention of writing once a week. So let's see what I can write about...

This week baby is the size of a banana. Both Dan and I are grateful for a size comparison to something that has a mostly consistent size. For almost a week now, I've been dealing with a terrible cough and cold, which has been taking it out of me. Emma is developing her nerves and sense of touch. Also, her inner ear is developing which is given her a sense of balance! Such a strange thing to consider. I have learned that her pancreas is also growing and producing hormones, which may take some of the hormonal pressure off of me.

In this week's profile photo that Dan and I took, I can see a significant bump where she is! It's like, "yep, there's Emma!" And my favorite tidbit so far this week is that my daily movements rock her to sleep throughout most of the day. And! I may start to notice my hair growing in thicker than before. I can definitely tell that on my legs! Geez. I've never been one to shave all the time, taking great relief in my light, thin leg hair. But lately, that has not been the case. It definitely is making me more self-conscious. We'll just see how long my baby bump allows me to shave comfortably!

I think this will be a shorter blog this week. It happens. Especially when I'm feeling puny. So the last thing I want to share right now is that this coming Saturday is my cousin Michelle's wedding in Baltimore. I'm really looking forward to seeing family and officiating the wedding. Fun stuff! So hopefully, if I feel better and have the time, I'll have more to share next week. Off for now!

20 Weeks

Well obviously the most important thing on my mind today is that we found out the sex of our baby! We're having a girl! We're pretty sure her name is going to be Emma Rose. The appointment on Wednesday of this week was not my favorite...by a long shot. We waited for over an hour before we were brought back and then Emma was not cooperating with the sonographer. In addition to all her measurements, they needed four different views of her heart. She was sleeping so soundly that they actually had me get dressed again and jump up and down for several minutes before we tried again. Eventually, she got checked out, but not before every other person had already left the building except for us and two staff members. They showed us out a side door because all the others were locked up! By the time we left, I was feeling exhausted and frustrated. Especially because we arrived at the office around 3:15 and didn't leave until 6:15! I was very grateful when Dan pulled me into a warm, loving hug in the parking lot and just held me for a minute. He said sweetly, "We're having a girl" reminding me of the big news we had found out. It slowed me down and helped me appreciate the moment. It felt especially poignant because that's the feeling we both had - that it was a girl. The ultrasound tech was so funny. She said, "Here's a leg. (she typed in a "leg" label)  And here's a leg. (she typed in a second "leg" label)  And there's nothing in the middle! It's a girl!" We looked at each other, holding hands, both of us with tears in our eyes. It was such a special moment. 

Afterward, we headed across town to my parents' house. Dan's parents were there too. As I shared before, to prepare for the day, I had made two baby hats - one pink, one blue. We walked up to the house and I had the pink hat behind my back. Everyone was in the living room when we arrived. I pulled around the pink hat and there was a great, wonderful response. Dan's mom had really been wanting a girl. Although she told me she had a feeling we were having a boy, I really think she was just trying not to get her hopes high for a girl. All along, my mom said she didn't have a feeling one way or another, but when we told her it was a girl, she seemed surprised. Like she may have thought it was a boy after all. We all went to dinner downtown at The George. Neither Dan nor I had ever been there before. It was a nice restaurant with good food that seemed fitting for a special occasion. Now if we ever go back there, we'll have the story of "We came here the night we found out we were having a girl." A moment at dinner that particularly made me smile when my dad was talking about the name we picked out. He cracked me up as he kept up a running commentary, almost to himself. "I like the name Emma...it's old-fashioned sounding...but also kind modern...and it'll be easy for her to say...and easy to spell..." On and on he went with me smiling and listening.  I have been grateful that the responses to the names we've picked out have been positive overall. Especially because what she introduces herself with throughout her life! We figured, too, that giving her the last name that we are, that naming her something simpler and more classic was a kind and loving thing to do.

Since Wednesday, I've been trying to get used to saying "her," "she," and, most importantly, "Emma." I know I want to reread Jane Austen's Emma before she arrives. This is one of the many sources where we appreciate the name. As for Rose, not only is it a lovely and natural sounding name, but it has several connections as well. My aunt who passed away five years ago was Rosemary. The stuffed animal I was gifted from my Godfather when I was two, I named Rosie. And there are a couple of people I know whose first or middle names are Rose and they are silly, thoughtful, creative people. I think it's going to make for a lovely name combo! 

We've purchased a few items for her knowing that we're having a girl. Some onesies and a couple bibs. I think we've also decided on a color scheme for the nursery. It include bright pink, light pink, and turquoise combination. It's been fun updating our Amazon registry with items that complement that scheme. We've also already been told that there are plans for a baby shower in the works, likely sometime in October or November. It's wonderful to imagine celebrating Emma! Plus, it will be nice to receive wonderful things that help to prepare her space in the world.

This weekend was full of birthday celebrations as well. On Saturday, we celebrated the 7th birthday of a friend's son. And then on Sunday, we celebrated my cousin's son's first birthday! Both were fun! I especially liked being around my family as we enjoyed the gifts, food, and whole experience of celebrating our current youngest family member. It's such a strange thing to imagine my cousin and I bringing in the next generation of family. Plus, his son and our Emma will be about as far apart in age as my cousin and I are. We played together a lot growing up. I hope Emma and Parker enjoy being around each other too.

I'm now officially halfway through the pregnancy. It feels crazy to imagine! I'm glad we have so many weeks left though. Especially because of all we have to do in the house. We made a lot of progress going through things this weekend. We are getting very willing to purge things, especially books. We were able to rearrange the furniture in our bedroom some, which is especially good because there's a piece of furniture that's currently in the nursery that will need to be moved into our bedroom. Details, details! The point it, progress was made! I feel like we have forward momentum. Maybe next weekend, we can do even more with it. Then the NEXT weekend, we're going to be in Maryland for my cousin's wedding! Yay! Fun times with family!

For me this week, I'm feeling more confident that the flutters I'm feeling are Emma moving. Next milestone will be for her to move in such a way that Dan can feel her move too. My app says she could be around 10 inches long now. At the ultrasound this week, she was measuring right on point! We had the scan when I was 19 weeks and 6 days. All of her measurements were coming up between 19 weeks 5 days and 20 weeks and 1 day. "Even her head" Dan was ready to point out, which made me giggle! A strange fact is that Emma already has her lifetime's worth of eggs in her ovaries. That is craziness! She's also sprouting teeth buds beneath her gums and is developing her lips, eyelashes, and eyebrows! The strangest thing I've read is that she might already be having REM sleep and could be dreaming. Dan asked the extremely interesting question, "I wonder what she could dream about..." What indeed?! No answer came to mind, but I'm fascinated! Also this week, I've decided that I'm ready to get a pregnancy pillow. My back has been particularly achy this week and I'm using more and more pillows at night. Now that a fourth pillow has been added to the mix, the thought of one pillow to replace the wild configuration I'm making is significantly appealing. So with my next paycheck will likely come this fluffy purchase. I'm imagining increased comfort on the horizon and it's very appealing. One other thing I've been contending with this week is the frequency with which my left ankle is swelling. It seems to be having trouble in the same places that I sprained it earlier in the year. As a result, I've been wearing my ankle brace several days. It's been making a difference, but it's a bit cumbersome. But I'll do what I can keeping in mind my motto of "better for baby." That's been helping me with several things, but most especially with the shots I have to give myself several times a day. "Better for baby" over and over. But maybe now it can become "better for Emma." Emma Rose. I hope we can surround her with loving and empowering things. In that respect, Dan's discovery of a website called "A Mighty Girl" that has excellent toys, music, clothes, and books that challenge traditional gender roles. Yeah! I hope I'm growing a little feminist in there!

19 Weeks

I'm now 19 weeks pregnant, only one week from being halfway through my pregnancy! I had a lot of fears this week because I haven't really been feeling anymore flutters or hints of movement. I had a doctor's appointment this past Tuesday and I was hoping that, at that time, my fears would melt away and I would be filled with reassurances. And that did, indeed, happen to a degree. I think I'll always feel worried. But as the doctor was searching for the heartbeat, and reminding me it could take a bit, we heard a "thwump" sound over the monitor. The doctor laughed and said, "Well that was a kick!" It made me laugh to think of the baby pushing back as the doctor was moving around trying to find his or her heartbeat.

I haven't been nearly as weepy this week. On the contrary, I have been significantly more short-tempered. My fuse has been non-existent some days. I snapped at a coworker when I felt she was needlessly lecturing me. I snapped at my mom when she was trying to give me advice when I wasn't looking for any; rather, I was just trying to update her on something. I got annoyed at multiple people's comments and remarks throughout the week. Basically, I have been in the mood I deem "not fit for company." That's a choice I make. It's interesting, because when I watch movies, usually in the "chick-flick" genre, I envy the bitchy best friend trope. I'm jealous of the girl who speaks her mind, unfiltered, despite its responses. The closest I've been to not wearing my verbal Brita has come on the very rare occasions I drink more than a couple drinks. But more often, I am more deliberate in what I say. And what I don't say. So I chose to be around people less this week so I would have less moments to feel guilty and frustrated about. I think it was a good decision. 

Dan and I have also alternated feeling under the weather this week. My worst couple of days were ones where I officiated outdoor funeral services in this dreadful heat. In fact, one day reached the obnoxiously high heat index of 108°. During that service, my place was in the sun and there was no breeze. I drank water whenever I could during the service and made it until the very end, when I was hugging the family. At that point, I got lightheaded and dizzy. I promptly got into The Blueberry (my car) and sat in the air conditioning for several minutes, drinking water and munching ice. When I felt safe enough, I headed home for a cold shower to continue the cool down process. It took quite a lot out of me and I spent the remainder of the day resting and recovering. I think I did well caring for baby and myself. And I know it was ridiculously hot, but I think I was outside for around half an hour. So much recovery for such a short amount of time!

About baby this week: Baby is now around six inches long. I learned that my app can compare Baby to multiple objects, not just fruits and vegetables. As for that particular comparison, Baby is described as being the length of a zucchini. I find that rather unhelpful because zucchinis come in so many different sizes. But some of the other comparisons are a crepe suzette, a Gameboy, and a hedgehog! So silly! I'm definitely going to keep checking these other themes; Parisian bakery, fun & games, and weird-but-cute animals respectively. I've also learned that Baby is developing a waxy coating that will protect him/her from the amniotic fluid and help Baby move down the birth canal. This apparently means I might notice some changes in my own skin. There are warnings about making sure I wear enough sunscreen because of the increased chance of skin changes and sensitivity. Baby's brain is developing more, especially those parts that control the each of the senses. Baby is growing hairs on its tiny head. Plus, his or her coordination is increasing as well.

I'm also beginning to notice the bottom of my stomach rounding out more and looking more full. Starting off my pregnancy overweight, I wasn't sure how my pregnancy would make me look for a while. I do look pregnant. But the part of my stomach that people want to touch is not full of baby yet. Baby is beneath that, pushing up the rest of my middle. But it's interesting and emotionally moving to finally notice a change. And I'm sure there are plenty more to come.

Next week when I write, I'll be able to share the sex of our baby! So exciting! This week, I crocheted both a light blue and a light pink hat to be prepared and help share the news with our parents. Four days until we know!

18 Weeks

I am now 18 weeks pregnant. In under two weeks' time, we'll learn the sex of the baby and I'll reach the HALFWAY mark! Which feels absolutely crazy. I have another regular follow-up appointment on August 4th. Then on the 12th, we have our detailed anatomy ultrasound. What we've decided to do about telling our parents is this: Dan's parents will be coming up from North Myrtle and they'll go straight to my parents' house. Dan and I will go to the appointment, then head over to my parents' as well. And at that time, we'll know if we're having a boy or a girl. We hope to bring something either pink or blue with us, maybe we'll even wear one of the colors, so that when we walk in, they'll know the results from the appointment! And we hope to video their response to the sex just like we did when we told them that we were expecting. I hope it works out!

As for me this week, I've been feeling really sleepy. Sometimes, it's a physical tired as well, but mostly I just feel like I could become napping champion of the world if given the opportunity. My cousin Gray and I spent the day together on Sunday riding the ferry from Fort Fisher to Southport, then walked around a bunch of the shops down there. After that, I felt all kinds of exhausted. While in Southport, I had the most delicious sandwich I can ever remember eating. It was a BLT, with a fried egg and pesto mayonnaise all on a croissant. Gray and I both ordered it and happily devoured the deliciousness. However, when I was nearing the finish line, I kept taking smaller and smaller bites trying to savor it. So silly. And tasty! On another note, I've learned that my blood pressure may drop at times at this stage in my pregnancy. I need to be careful not to stand up too fast, because lightheadedness is sure to follow. That definitely happened this past week. I stood up from the couch to begin fixing dinner, when "Woah...nope," and plopped down until the dizziness passed. Again, one of the things that's really helpful is learning that much of what I'm feeling is normal. But I still have a list of questions to ask the doctors about over the next couple of weeks.

I also tried my second round of yoga during this week. I don't think it's going to be for me. It's not pre-natal friendly enough. For example, there was a stretch of about 10 minutes where the poses began with the participants lying flat on their stomachs. Definitely not something I could do. So I spent all that while doing other stretches and feeling rather disconnected from the class. I have been enjoying the prenatal exercise DVD I ordered though. So I plan to continue that, plus to keep going with the basic cardio I've started while watching TV in the evening. 

On another note, our biggest project when preparing our house is thinking about laminate flooring to replace the worn out carpet. We visited a few stores this past weekend and were able to find some viable choices. I also have a dear friend whose husband has generously offered to come up put the flooring in. Dan feels pretty confident that he can learn how to help and it can be a two-person job. It was such a generous offer, sweetly and genuinely made, that we felt very lucky to have the opportunity to accept. So hopefully we'll be able to change out the main flooring in our house over the next couple of months. Then maybe we can tackle some of the other projects we have in mind.

As for Baby Wheat-Rivers, this week he or she has grown to the size of a sweet potato! This means Baby is around 5.5 inches long. We've come a long way since the poppy seed and peppercorn phase a few months ago. Baby is also apparently moving quite a lot! Kicking and rolling all around. I think I've probably felt baby move, based on a few flutterings I've felt, but I'm still anxious for the time when it's so obvious I can no longer doubt myself. Something else all this movement is causing is a ravenous appetite on my part. I was relieved to learn that this is very normal, because there have been moments where I'm so singularly-minded that I feel like I can't focus on anything until Baby and I are fed. Baby's fingernails, toenails, and even eyelashes are coming in! It's so crazy to imagine! Our tiny one even apparently has fingerprints now. 

In my next entry, I'll be able to share how the next doctor's appointment has gone. And then during the NEXT one, I'll be able to tell the sex of the baby! So many things to look forward to!

17 Weeks

This week, I have noticed a significant increase in my crying. More things are sparking tears and weeping. While talking to a friend, I realized something especially distressing about this. Because I'm a "feeler" and someone who judges much of my interaction with others and the world through my emotions, I'm feeling particularly off kilter at the moment because my emotions are unreliable. It's leaving me feeling disoriented. This same friend, however, also pointed out how wonderful it is that I have Dan as my spouse and partner, because I can trust and rely upon him when my own sense of connection and understanding is a bit...untrustworthy. 

On a positive note, I'm happy to report that Project "Purge and Reorganize" the storage room was a success! With both sets of parents helping, we managed to pull out all the boxes and other items in the storage unit, go through things, throw away a bunch, donate even more, and repack the rest into a much more organization way. Everybody contributed in the ways they could and the result was astounding. And we did it in a really short amount of time overall! We also were able to take out the bed and vanity from our front bedroom and get them back into the storage unit. It feels like we made a huge leap forward at getting ready for baby. Speaking of! My parents' neighbors came together through a series of events and we were able to get a gently used changing table that is lovely. It's a dark wood color just like we wanted. And the style of it helped us narrow down cribs that we were looking at and I think we've decided on one to keep on our registry!

Another landmark moment for me this week was getting my hair chopped off into a curly-haired pixie cut. I'm still getting used to it, but I can tell you that the coolness of the style is winning out with this week's extraordinarily high heat indexes (topping out at 112!). Another time I really liked having my shorter hair was during my exercise this week. Last week, I ordered a "What to Expect When You're Expecting" exercise DVD. It's divided into cardio, strength, and stretching sections. So I've done a couple of sessions on that. And then on Tuesday, I attended a yoga class being offered through my work. I really appreciated the chance to breathe and stretch. The instructor gave also us options for many of the poses to address the varied comfort and skill levels in the room. I found the choices helpful. I did notice that I 100% could not lie on my stomach. I felt like I was squishing baby! So any time the pose began on our stomach, I curled on my side a bit. It's strange to think about all these movements affecting baby and making him or her wiggles and move!

At this point, as I've shared before, I should be able to feel baby move at any time. There have been three times where I've felt a fluttering that could be baby! But I'm still not 100% sure. And from what I've read, moms who are on their second or further child know how it feels and can pick up on the sensation earlier. Being a first time mom makes me/us less unsure and we take longer as a whole to say for sure that that's what's happening. I'm remaining hopeful for the moment where I feel the baby move without a doubt.

One final thing that happened this week is that my dosage of insulin was increased. It's been an emotional and nerve-wracking thing to have to give myself so many shots a day. Then I also have to check my sugar four times a day. I feel like I'm just poking myself with so many holes. I've shed many tears over it. When the doctor's office called and told me they were increasing my insulin, I had a moment where I felt like a failure as a mom-to-be. It was while processing these feelings with the friend above, that I realized that my own feelings are sketchy at best to trust. I can hear how hard on myself I'm being. I can hear me beating myself up and making guilt-inducing accusation about not being good enough. And I need to rely on people I trust, Dan most especially, to help me through. I continue to feel deeply grateful for him. In fact, my favorite story about his awesomeness this week was from Tuesday. Through the encouragement from some of my coworkers and from Dan, I decided to brave the yoga class even though I was extremely nervous. When I got home from what turned out to be a wonderful hour of stretching and strengthening, Dan informed me that dinner was just a few minutes from being ready, that he had set up our cable, and that he'd already set up the DVR to record "So You Think You Can Dance" for the rest of the season. He is so awesome!! I felt so taken care of. His attentiveness as a husband can do nothing but translate into loving, compassionate, attentiveness as a dad. When I have those moments where I feel completely daunted in the parental task before us, I remember that we have each other to lean on. Not to mention an incredible network of support and love from family and friends.

As for baby this week, he or she has grown to the size of a turnip or pomegranate. I think I'm going to need to check out both of these at the grocery story the next time I'm there, because neither makes a size reference I'm immediately familiar with. But my understanding is that baby is around 5 inches long or...and here's the one that stood out...about the size of my palm. So I keep imaging baby there when I look at my hand. Yet another moment that makes me tear up. 

Baby's senses are also developing more of his/her brain is controlling baby's heartbeat more efficiently, making the rate more consistent rather than erratic. The soft cartilage making up baby's skeleton is ossifying to bone. My information tells me to make sure I'm getting calcium, magnesium, iron, vitamins A, C, and D. Most of this I've already been getting through supplements per the doctor's recommendation. But I'm also trying to get them through my food and drink. My chant this week has been "better for baby" when I'm giving myself shots and making sure I intake food and drink rich in good things. 

It's less than three weeks until we find out if we're having a Bennett or an Emma! I'm so excited at how close it is! Let the countdown begin!

A moment of deep gratitude

I need to take a moment to write about how much Dan has been helping during my pregnancy. He is always been a man willing to jump in, and step up, and go above and beyond for me and for us. I didn't think it was possible but it's gotten even more amazing since I've been pregnant. He willingly runs errands and gets me whatever I feel up to eating or drinking. He lovingly helps out around the house. And he's been having to do so much more that lately. I definitely feel guilt over how much he is having to take on. But he lovingly assures me of his willingness to do whatever he can. He is kind and compassionate and so sweet. I think I love him more each day. And I can only imagine how much more I will love him when I see him caring for our child. 

16 Weeks

It seems like a lot has happened this week. I was trying to get it all straight in my head to be able to write about it. On Sunday, we went to Henderson and Elsie, a cousin from our older generation, told the family up there that we're expecting a baby. In all honesty, it was such a different experience to have someone else taking the role of sharing, and in such a large setting, that I didn't listen well to what she was saying. And though they are family, I only know a handful of them. And while I don't mind them knowing, after the fact, Dan shared his feelings about all that Elsie shared and I was shocked. As I said, I wasn't really listening. Dan said he was surprised that she shared "so much." Elaborating, he said she talked about us being married for so long, remembering that it was 11 years. Not a problem. That's fine. But then she also shared some about us having trouble along the way and that we didn't know if we were going to be able to have children. That was incredibly and uncomfortably personal. There's nothing that can be done, but there it is.

Dan's bosses took us out to a nice dinner on Tuesday. We enjoyed the time with them, laughed at many stories, and had some delicious food. They also raved about how valuable of an employee Dan is. It warms my heart to hear him being appreciated the way I think he deserves to be. They even joked that people might be getting tired of Dan being pointed out as the example of how to do things correctly. Remembering how many jobs and difficulties it has taken to get here, I'm just so grateful. I can't wait for them to start selling onesies! His bosses also shocked us with a congratulations card with two Visa gift cards inside saying they hope their contribution will help with the nursery. I want to get a personal thank you card for them, which will feel so small and piddly in comparison, but they deserve to know our gratitude and how deep it runs. I mean this year alone, they've given us the opportunity to go to Harry Potter World in Orlando, invited us to their rented beach house to enjoy a day on their boat and in the pool, taken us to this fabulous dinner, and given us this gift to help with our nursery. Gratitude upon gratitude.

Yesterday, at the end of the work day, I ran an errand and was overtaken by a feeling of dizziness and a sudden headache. The experience left me feeling puny and drained. Dan stopped by at the store where I was on his way home so that he could make sure I was safe enough to drive. He followed me home, where I promptly took a nap to try and feel better. Then part of the evening was spent in the front bedroom. Dan worked very hard to clear out some of the main area and we discussed placement of the pieces of furniture we're anticipating in the nursery. It was special and surreal all at the same time. I think we have a decent idea of where we're going to start at least. Tonight we're going to try to pack up more of the front bedroom, begin cleaning under the bed, and potentially take the bed apart. This is all to help us prepare for Saturday and the purging and reorganizing of the storage unit. I hope next week that I can report a lot of progress.

As for Baby's development, here are some of the things I've learned this week: baby is likely kicking and moving a lot more. I should be able to feel him/her move any time now. My app tells me this can feel like a number of things including a flutter like butterflies, gas, or popcorn popping! We'll see what form my "quickening" takes. I've also learned that baby can detect light through my belly, which is a strange concept to imagine. Baby can also hear my heartbeat and may be able to hear me talking, so I've deliberately been speaking to Baby more and even playing music on my stomach. Baby is now the size of a dill pickle, about 4-5 inches long. And, while this may be super personal, constipation is a likely symptom at this time, and certainly one that I've been experiencing.

Something that happened a few weeks ago that I wanted to document occurred during our most recent ultrasound. I was around 13 weeks pregnant at the time and they did a lot of measurements during the appointment. They checked the diameter of the stomach, length of Baby from head to feet, the diameter of the head, and so on. Each measurement would be entered and shown on a very large screen in front of us. There was so much information up there that it was hard to take it in. And it turns out I missed something important. When we were leaving, Dan tells me that next to each measurement, there was an approximated gestational estimation. For example, next to the whole length of the baby, it might say "13 weeks, 2 days." Every measurement was similar. 13 weeks and 3 days, 13 weeks and 5 days. But the head measurement? 14 weeks! I knew Dan having a giant head would likely factor into pregnancy! And here's the beginning of proof of that. I'm trying not to worry too much about it yet.

Speaking of worry, though, I was started on insulin this week for my gestational diabetes. I have only been taking it a couple days, but it's very nerve-wracking still. I have to continue checking my sugar first thing in the morning and then two hours after each meal. But I will now have to give myself four shots a day as well; right as I'm about to eat each meal and then also in the evening. I keep chanting to myself, "Better for baby." I worry I'm going to have to have the insulin increased because my numbers for some meals are still too high. Overall, though, I think most of my numbers are near their goals for me. I was just called by the doctor's office and they want me to come in for labs. So I'm going to head off for now so I can head over to the office to have blood drawn. More soon!