Last week, the day before Thanksgiving, I started work early and didn't stop for lunch so that I could get off early and begin my Thanksgiving holiday early. Little did I know that the day would take a devastating and surprising turn. I was finishing up my charting in my car of the Harris Teeter parking lot waiting to get some last minute items for Thanksgiving, when I received a call.
The call was from the secretary from the church I grew up in. And although I am no longer a part of their church, denomination or even religion, I was called because there was a pastoral emergency and their church minister was out of town. A family that I have known for several years suffered a tragic loss. A child, not quite four months old, died suddenly. I went straight to the hospital and spent the next couple of hours with the family in the midst of raw, painful grief. As a Hospice Chaplain turned Hospital Chaplain turned Hospice Chaplain again, I've been around this type of situation before. But it was different being with people I had known for so long. More proof that my yearning to be a Parish Minister is the right choice for me.
Tomorrow, I'm assisting in the Funeral Service. I'm nervous, but honored. May the service begin a healing process for this family as they grieve for the unthinkable. Blessed be.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Good Fit Thus Far
Short note dropping in to say that Hospice has been a good fit so far. I have been healing from my previous hospice work, been getting to know my colleagues, and been doing caring work that connects me to people. I've really appreciated the practicality and openness of my boss, and HER boss. And I adore that I'm still in a ministerial role and get to discuss spiritual thoughts, pray, listen, and be with people. Soo grateful.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Unapologetically Myself...
...or at least trying to be.
When I was an über conservative Christian, I shared my faith all the time. I proudly wore cross jewelry showing off my faith before even saying a word. I lived my faith. Shared my faith. Was proud of it for the good news I believed it to be.
But now I have a different faith: Unitarian Universalism. And I believe it is also good news. News that some people really need to hear. News of a progressive, open, loving faith. A faith that doesn't think that people choose to be gay, but are born however they are born. A faith that promotes and is active in social justice. A faith that believes that multiple religious paths can combine into one personal spiritual journey.
One of the main differences between my current faith and my previous faith, is that my previous one was a mainline religion. People know of it, have their own beliefs regarding it, and probably their own stereotypes about it. But when people ask me about my faith now, there's this moment of "What did she just say? Unitar...Unit...what?" that crosses their faces and is often expressed in their words. So I, like many other Unitarian Universalists, have my "elevator speech" handy explaining my faith.
A part that hurts my heart is that my faith is treated poorly by many; disrespectfully and with scorn. And it's looked down upon, especially by those who are confused because I once knew the "Truth" (capital "T") as they believe it. But more than that, I sometimes feel guilty being UU because it is deeply embedded in me that Christianity and Jesus as the Christ is the only way. But I don't believe that. And feeling this guilt makes it hard to share my faith. However, I have witnessed some incredible Unitarian Universalists...colleagues, peers and mentors...who are so incredibly proud of our faith and who share it unapologetically. They are my role models and inspiration.
In the past month, I had a conversation with a woman I went to seminary with. V and I were talking about an everyday something at first, but ended up talking about our current geographical locations. I live in the Bible belt and she lives in Texas. And in each of these locations, we are not a part of the religious majority and find it difficult at times, especially because she chooses not to attend any religious body of worship. And then she said something that warmed my heart and choked me up. I'm paraphrasing, but she said that the way I talk about Unitarian Universalism made her want to try the local UU Congregation where she lives; that who I am as a religious person is the kind of faith person she would want to be.
It's become a goal for me to "be me" and embrace all of who I am in the various arenas of my life. For the most part, who I am on Facebook is the me I try to be. Granted, I feel safer and more open sharing my faith, political, and social views from behind my keyboard. But it's a jumping off point to become braver and more comfortable elsewhere. And I'm working on it. This blog is just another step at embracing myself for who I am, what I believe, and how I want to live my life.
So thank you for reading as I make one more effort to become unapologetically myself.
When I was an über conservative Christian, I shared my faith all the time. I proudly wore cross jewelry showing off my faith before even saying a word. I lived my faith. Shared my faith. Was proud of it for the good news I believed it to be.
But now I have a different faith: Unitarian Universalism. And I believe it is also good news. News that some people really need to hear. News of a progressive, open, loving faith. A faith that doesn't think that people choose to be gay, but are born however they are born. A faith that promotes and is active in social justice. A faith that believes that multiple religious paths can combine into one personal spiritual journey.
One of the main differences between my current faith and my previous faith, is that my previous one was a mainline religion. People know of it, have their own beliefs regarding it, and probably their own stereotypes about it. But when people ask me about my faith now, there's this moment of "What did she just say? Unitar...Unit...what?" that crosses their faces and is often expressed in their words. So I, like many other Unitarian Universalists, have my "elevator speech" handy explaining my faith.
A part that hurts my heart is that my faith is treated poorly by many; disrespectfully and with scorn. And it's looked down upon, especially by those who are confused because I once knew the "Truth" (capital "T") as they believe it. But more than that, I sometimes feel guilty being UU because it is deeply embedded in me that Christianity and Jesus as the Christ is the only way. But I don't believe that. And feeling this guilt makes it hard to share my faith. However, I have witnessed some incredible Unitarian Universalists...colleagues, peers and mentors...who are so incredibly proud of our faith and who share it unapologetically. They are my role models and inspiration.
In the past month, I had a conversation with a woman I went to seminary with. V and I were talking about an everyday something at first, but ended up talking about our current geographical locations. I live in the Bible belt and she lives in Texas. And in each of these locations, we are not a part of the religious majority and find it difficult at times, especially because she chooses not to attend any religious body of worship. And then she said something that warmed my heart and choked me up. I'm paraphrasing, but she said that the way I talk about Unitarian Universalism made her want to try the local UU Congregation where she lives; that who I am as a religious person is the kind of faith person she would want to be.
It's become a goal for me to "be me" and embrace all of who I am in the various arenas of my life. For the most part, who I am on Facebook is the me I try to be. Granted, I feel safer and more open sharing my faith, political, and social views from behind my keyboard. But it's a jumping off point to become braver and more comfortable elsewhere. And I'm working on it. This blog is just another step at embracing myself for who I am, what I believe, and how I want to live my life.
So thank you for reading as I make one more effort to become unapologetically myself.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
New Chapter and a Vocation of Love
This morning I woke up with a greater sense of purpose than I typically have as of late. I'm approaching a new phase in my life. This "in-between" time didn't last as long as I expected, and somewhat feared.
This has been my life for the last couple of months:
I completed my Chaplain Residency at New Hanover Regional Medical Center on August 20th. On August 21st my dad's sister passed away. She had been sick for a while. I thought I was more prepared for her dying, but it rocked me worse than I could have imagined. The following couple of weeks were spent in harsh grief, helping my parents go through her apartment, and trying to be there for my dad. Meanwhile, I continued to try and look for a job. I had some interviews, but nothing really came of them. I didn't even tell my family about some of the interviews, because the outlook of so many didn't look good, and therefore I was less torn down than I would have been having to share the "I didn't get the job news" repeatedly.
I did interview for a Hospice Chaplain position, but weeks went by and I didn't hear anything. But, it turns out there had been some internal inquiry about the job and eventually, I was offered the position. I begin on Monday. Right now, I'm working my last on-call shift at NHRMC. I can really feel the end of this particular chapter closing. It's an odd feeling, but I'm glad I'm aware of it.
I have mixed feelings about going into hospice again. Hospice is a wonderful gift. It's an incredible, loving service and I will be proud to be a part of it again. But Hospice is also a narrower ministry. Not narrow in depth. But narrower in that it is singularly focused on end-of-life. Hospital Chaplaincy was a bit more broad. While still crisis ministry, there was hope and healing mixed in. Parish Ministry is the ministry I have discerned seems to be the best fit for me. Someday... But in the meantime, I am gratefully surprised that I can still don the current title of "Chaplain" having supposed I would have to temporarily relinquish a ministerial title.
And that's what's going on with me.
In broader, national news, there have been several suicides among gay teens that has led to a growing awareness of bullying both in schools and in society at large. Ellen Degeneres, in particular, has been asking many of her guests about their own experiences with bullying. These deaths and the treatment of gay youth has sparked in me such an indignant anger that I have been spinning my wheels trying to think of things to do. Facebook has been a helpful outlet for me. I can share with this larger social network my beliefs that Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Queer, Questioning, and Allied persons deserve love, care, compassion, and equal rights. I have been told from more than one person on facebook that I have my facts wrong and that "The Bible says...". But as a person with theological training, I believe the Bible was written in a particular social context and historical time. And though I absolutely believe that it has wonderful relevance for many in the present, I do not think it should be used to devalue people who were born non-heterosexual.
The local University in my town had a rally and vigil this week sponsored by the GLBTQIA (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, Intersex, Ally) Resource Office. I created four new posters for marriage (and life!) equality. I was grateful to unite with so many people and to feel like I was DOING something in response to all the hate that led to so many suicides.
I was also so proud of my Unitarian Universalist faith, because not only were many people from my local congregation present, but our minister was as well. She wore a clerical collar, easily distinguishing her as clergy in the masses. She had been asked to say a prayer. Prior to doing so, she shared that her experience from a bully was from the head of her religious group, who taught that people "like me" she said, were unnatural and wrong. She told the crowd that that was NOT so. She prayed not only for the people are are/were bullied, and the families of those who have lost or taken their lives because of hate, but also for the bullies. After her prayer, several people came up to her...one girl said something before collapsing into a hug. I wondered how many people had hurt this young girl. And further, how many of them represented a religious point of view. My minister was there to show her love. And this girl wasn't the only one to receive it.
I wonder how many people are unaware that there is a liberal religious faith like Unitarian Universalism that thinks that all people have worth and dignity, regardless of their sexual orientation. I felt a renewed sense of calling as I watched people approach my minister and ordination mentor, ask her about her church and receive her love and support...I wondered about the healing that began at the rally.
I absolutely want to become an ordained minister. I want to be someone whose life and love represents not only a larger religious organization, but also something Holy. I believe in a loving Spirit. I call it God. I call it the Universe. I call it Love. Religion has been used to hurt and divide. I want people to feel loved for exactly who they are. May it be so.
May all my liberal Christian ministers and friends have their loving voices heard. May their lives and their ministries shower people with love and acceptance. And may their care and openness increase in volume. I add this to acknowledge that Unitarian Universalism is not the only loving religious home for people who are GLBTQQIA. Gene Robinson, a bishop in the Episcopal Church was one minister who spoke up in youtube's "It Gets Better" campaign. You can hear him here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPZ5eUrNF24
Here are some other links of interest:
Fort Worth City Councilman, Joel Burns sharing his "It Gets Better" story: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax96cghOnY4
The Trevor Project: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
Personal account from my CST colleague, Casey Crosbie: http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/caseygcrosbie/1/1286387828/tpod.html?utm_source=FB&utm_medium=FBMTB&utm_content=FBStreamPostTitle
Mormon leader gives Anti-Gay sermon after suicides. Here's a link to write an open letter in response, and to view the sermon: https://secure3.convio.net/hrc/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=945
Human Rights Campaign: http://www.hrc.org//
I'm still looking for loving responses to the hate. And I shall continue to look, act, and love.
This has been my life for the last couple of months:
I completed my Chaplain Residency at New Hanover Regional Medical Center on August 20th. On August 21st my dad's sister passed away. She had been sick for a while. I thought I was more prepared for her dying, but it rocked me worse than I could have imagined. The following couple of weeks were spent in harsh grief, helping my parents go through her apartment, and trying to be there for my dad. Meanwhile, I continued to try and look for a job. I had some interviews, but nothing really came of them. I didn't even tell my family about some of the interviews, because the outlook of so many didn't look good, and therefore I was less torn down than I would have been having to share the "I didn't get the job news" repeatedly.
I did interview for a Hospice Chaplain position, but weeks went by and I didn't hear anything. But, it turns out there had been some internal inquiry about the job and eventually, I was offered the position. I begin on Monday. Right now, I'm working my last on-call shift at NHRMC. I can really feel the end of this particular chapter closing. It's an odd feeling, but I'm glad I'm aware of it.
I have mixed feelings about going into hospice again. Hospice is a wonderful gift. It's an incredible, loving service and I will be proud to be a part of it again. But Hospice is also a narrower ministry. Not narrow in depth. But narrower in that it is singularly focused on end-of-life. Hospital Chaplaincy was a bit more broad. While still crisis ministry, there was hope and healing mixed in. Parish Ministry is the ministry I have discerned seems to be the best fit for me. Someday... But in the meantime, I am gratefully surprised that I can still don the current title of "Chaplain" having supposed I would have to temporarily relinquish a ministerial title.
And that's what's going on with me.
In broader, national news, there have been several suicides among gay teens that has led to a growing awareness of bullying both in schools and in society at large. Ellen Degeneres, in particular, has been asking many of her guests about their own experiences with bullying. These deaths and the treatment of gay youth has sparked in me such an indignant anger that I have been spinning my wheels trying to think of things to do. Facebook has been a helpful outlet for me. I can share with this larger social network my beliefs that Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Queer, Questioning, and Allied persons deserve love, care, compassion, and equal rights. I have been told from more than one person on facebook that I have my facts wrong and that "The Bible says...". But as a person with theological training, I believe the Bible was written in a particular social context and historical time. And though I absolutely believe that it has wonderful relevance for many in the present, I do not think it should be used to devalue people who were born non-heterosexual.
The local University in my town had a rally and vigil this week sponsored by the GLBTQIA (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, Intersex, Ally) Resource Office. I created four new posters for marriage (and life!) equality. I was grateful to unite with so many people and to feel like I was DOING something in response to all the hate that led to so many suicides.
I was also so proud of my Unitarian Universalist faith, because not only were many people from my local congregation present, but our minister was as well. She wore a clerical collar, easily distinguishing her as clergy in the masses. She had been asked to say a prayer. Prior to doing so, she shared that her experience from a bully was from the head of her religious group, who taught that people "like me" she said, were unnatural and wrong. She told the crowd that that was NOT so. She prayed not only for the people are are/were bullied, and the families of those who have lost or taken their lives because of hate, but also for the bullies. After her prayer, several people came up to her...one girl said something before collapsing into a hug. I wondered how many people had hurt this young girl. And further, how many of them represented a religious point of view. My minister was there to show her love. And this girl wasn't the only one to receive it.
I wonder how many people are unaware that there is a liberal religious faith like Unitarian Universalism that thinks that all people have worth and dignity, regardless of their sexual orientation. I felt a renewed sense of calling as I watched people approach my minister and ordination mentor, ask her about her church and receive her love and support...I wondered about the healing that began at the rally.
I absolutely want to become an ordained minister. I want to be someone whose life and love represents not only a larger religious organization, but also something Holy. I believe in a loving Spirit. I call it God. I call it the Universe. I call it Love. Religion has been used to hurt and divide. I want people to feel loved for exactly who they are. May it be so.
May all my liberal Christian ministers and friends have their loving voices heard. May their lives and their ministries shower people with love and acceptance. And may their care and openness increase in volume. I add this to acknowledge that Unitarian Universalism is not the only loving religious home for people who are GLBTQQIA. Gene Robinson, a bishop in the Episcopal Church was one minister who spoke up in youtube's "It Gets Better" campaign. You can hear him here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPZ5eUrNF24
Here are some other links of interest:
Fort Worth City Councilman, Joel Burns sharing his "It Gets Better" story: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax96cghOnY4
The Trevor Project: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
Personal account from my CST colleague, Casey Crosbie: http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/caseygcrosbie/1/1286387828/tpod.html?utm_source=FB&utm_medium=FBMTB&utm_content=FBStreamPostTitle
Mormon leader gives Anti-Gay sermon after suicides. Here's a link to write an open letter in response, and to view the sermon: https://secure3.convio.net/hrc/site/Advocacy?cmd=display&page=UserAction&id=945
Human Rights Campaign: http://www.hrc.org//
I'm still looking for loving responses to the hate. And I shall continue to look, act, and love.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Angry and Speechless
http://blogs.forbes.com/rickungar/2010/09/17/huckabee-says-no-to-insurance-for-people-with-pre-existing-conditions/
Perhaps instead of "speechless" the right phrase would be "incoherently angry." This entry is an effort to work out some of my thoughts.
I read the above article this morning about Politician Mike Huckabee's stance on people not getting insurance who have preexisting conditions. I simply cannot wrap my head around a country that expects so much from its people, ("Pull yourself up from your bootstraps!") can neglect the fundamentals of needed healthcare. Or preventative healthcare for ALL. I don't know what really to say about this all (that's the incoherent part) except that I think the insurance system here is very ill done. Or rather, ill-focused, because I think it's zeroed in more on the bottom line than the well being of people. I know I'm always afraid to mark things on insurance forms "Just in case." Just in case it's considered right for the insurance company that I should be dropped or never considered for coverage.
My in-laws faced this. My father-in-law lost his job and, after his Cobra insurance ran out, he had to seek out new medical coverage for the first time in years. The result? Being denied for coverage for conditions that were now "preexisting." And it's all linked isn't it!? Everything is. Because if he hadn't lost his job in this terrible job market, his conditions, which have evolved over time because of that pesky little aging thing, would have continued to have been covered because they were not preexisting at the beginning of his coverage.
So it seems to me that the "right" time to get sick, is when you've got a good job with adequate heath coverage. Good luck on that because of the current employment situation and the dwindling economy. Blah!
This article addresses Huckabee's religious standpoint as well. This is the kind of man whose religious ideals and outward living simply do. not. make. SENSE to me. I think his political choices are inconsistent and insulting to the religious convictions he claims to live. If I were Christian, I would be trying to distance myself from this man who's statements fly in the face of the teachings of the faith's main religious figure - Jesus. This figure that I, as a Unitarian Universalist, admire and try to emulate.
I'm still feel incoherent, but time restrictions require that I step away from this computer right now. I'm grateful for the time to unravel my feelings and thoughts thus far and hope to continue to do so through other outlets.
Perhaps instead of "speechless" the right phrase would be "incoherently angry." This entry is an effort to work out some of my thoughts.
I read the above article this morning about Politician Mike Huckabee's stance on people not getting insurance who have preexisting conditions. I simply cannot wrap my head around a country that expects so much from its people, ("Pull yourself up from your bootstraps!") can neglect the fundamentals of needed healthcare. Or preventative healthcare for ALL. I don't know what really to say about this all (that's the incoherent part) except that I think the insurance system here is very ill done. Or rather, ill-focused, because I think it's zeroed in more on the bottom line than the well being of people. I know I'm always afraid to mark things on insurance forms "Just in case." Just in case it's considered right for the insurance company that I should be dropped or never considered for coverage.
My in-laws faced this. My father-in-law lost his job and, after his Cobra insurance ran out, he had to seek out new medical coverage for the first time in years. The result? Being denied for coverage for conditions that were now "preexisting." And it's all linked isn't it!? Everything is. Because if he hadn't lost his job in this terrible job market, his conditions, which have evolved over time because of that pesky little aging thing, would have continued to have been covered because they were not preexisting at the beginning of his coverage.
So it seems to me that the "right" time to get sick, is when you've got a good job with adequate heath coverage. Good luck on that because of the current employment situation and the dwindling economy. Blah!
This article addresses Huckabee's religious standpoint as well. This is the kind of man whose religious ideals and outward living simply do. not. make. SENSE to me. I think his political choices are inconsistent and insulting to the religious convictions he claims to live. If I were Christian, I would be trying to distance myself from this man who's statements fly in the face of the teachings of the faith's main religious figure - Jesus. This figure that I, as a Unitarian Universalist, admire and try to emulate.
I'm still feel incoherent, but time restrictions require that I step away from this computer right now. I'm grateful for the time to unravel my feelings and thoughts thus far and hope to continue to do so through other outlets.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Eat, Pray, Love
For my CPE Residency, I had a didactic presentation to do recently. I had to present a book I read to my group in a creative way. I actually really enjoyed my presentation and the time I had with my colleagues. Prior to the day of my didactic, I had purchased Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. After seeing a preview for the upcoming movie starring Julia Roberts, I decided I must read this book before watching the incredible looking movie. But seeing as I had another book I was supposed to be reading, I made myself promise that I wouldn't start this book until after my presentation day. Miraculously, I made it to that deadline (and then some) which is out of character for me. I think listening to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in my car (I couldn't read in there anyway!) helped. But Harry Potter was over and my didactic done, so I began this extremely interesting book about one woman's journey.
I'm already hooked. And, thought I'm only 38 pages into the story, I have already learned a bit about myself. So here are some of the insights that have come up for me from this enthralling novel: I haven't prayed directly to God in a long time. At least not consistently. Well, let me clarify. I actually do pray quite a lot in the hospital. I pray for patients and their families. I pray in our devotion time with my fellow chaplains. And, on the rarer occasion, I pray with and for one of my colleagues. But what I do not do consistently is pray to God, from my heart, for my heart.
Last week, one of my colleagues said something to me that hurt me deeply. I was being more open about the way I think about God, and energy, and the Universe. I was talking about my spiritual journey and how I had become UU. His response was honest, and, looking back I'm truly grateful for it. But, at the time, my heart broke a little. What he said was that he thought God hurt because of my spiritual decisions. From his perspective, God's incarnation in Jesus Christ is the only spiritual path. And those that choose otherwise are going against God's will and that therefore God would be hurt because of their decisions; because of my decision.
His honesty, which at first I shied away from, was something I have been exploring further in the past couple of days. What I realized earnestly...is that I disagree. The idea that trying to be who I authentically am is hurting God is deeply painful. But for me, I believe that God understands my search, even more than I do. I think God cares, is glad that I seek spiritual paths, and that I'm on this journey. So I talked to God about it, something I haven't done in a while.
I think part of why I shied away from conversations with God is because of how much I've changed since I was a very conservative Christian. Because I had changed so much, I thought my image of God must therefore change also. But what I'm realizing is that the God of my Christian self is still very much the God of my now-self. This was a surprise to discover. I also think of God as a spirit, the indefinable, hard to nail, floaty-God that I feel connected to in nature. Sometimes I imagine these two God images together, but I haven't often. Somehow I think owning that my image of God is similar to what it once was will help me see these two aspects of God together.
In Eat, Pray, Love, after Gilbert mentions "God" for the first time, she then writes,
"And since this is the first time I have introduced that loaded word-GOD-into my book, and since this is a word which will appear many times again throughout these pages, it seems only fair that I pause here for a moment to explain exactly what I mean when I say that word, just so people can decide right away how offended they need to get."
I chuckled, feeling like I understood how she felt.
She continued:
"... let me first explain why I use the word God, when I could just as easily use the words Jehovah, Allah, Shiva, Brahma, Vishnu, or Zeus...I have nothing against any of these terms. I feel they are all equal because they are all equally adequate and inadequate descriptions of the indescribable. But we each do need a functional name for this indescribability, and "God" is the name that feels the most warm to me, so that's what I use. I should also confess that I generally refer to God as "Him", which doesn't bother me because, to my mind, it's just a convenient personalizing pronoun, not a precise anatomical description or a cause for revolution. Of course, I don't mind if people call God "Her", and I understand the urge to do so. Again-to me, these are both equal terms, equally adequate and inadequate. Though I do think the capitalization of either pronoun is a nice touch, a small politeness in the presence of the divine." (p.13)
I don't think I intended to write that much at first, but I just wanted to include the entire excerpt in here. I call God different things. Sometimes I address the Universe in my prayers, a habit I picked up from the language of The Artist's Way. At my UU Fellowship the minister often addresses "Spirit of Life and Love" which also resonates with me. But I also find that the word "God" seems more encompassing and makes me think of many things at once. I like the openness.
This morning, during my morning pages, I addressed God about my feelings regarding what P said at work last week. I felt more connected to God than I had in a while. Another thought I toyed with is the idea that every person is divine, that our innermost core is sacred. And I wonder if the "substance" of God is the same as this sacred core. Following this line of thought, then connecting to myself means connecting to God. Hmm...food for thought and further consideration. I might address this again in the future.
For now, I'm heading away from the blogosphere, but I hope to return again soon!
Peace!
I'm already hooked. And, thought I'm only 38 pages into the story, I have already learned a bit about myself. So here are some of the insights that have come up for me from this enthralling novel: I haven't prayed directly to God in a long time. At least not consistently. Well, let me clarify. I actually do pray quite a lot in the hospital. I pray for patients and their families. I pray in our devotion time with my fellow chaplains. And, on the rarer occasion, I pray with and for one of my colleagues. But what I do not do consistently is pray to God, from my heart, for my heart.
Last week, one of my colleagues said something to me that hurt me deeply. I was being more open about the way I think about God, and energy, and the Universe. I was talking about my spiritual journey and how I had become UU. His response was honest, and, looking back I'm truly grateful for it. But, at the time, my heart broke a little. What he said was that he thought God hurt because of my spiritual decisions. From his perspective, God's incarnation in Jesus Christ is the only spiritual path. And those that choose otherwise are going against God's will and that therefore God would be hurt because of their decisions; because of my decision.
His honesty, which at first I shied away from, was something I have been exploring further in the past couple of days. What I realized earnestly...is that I disagree. The idea that trying to be who I authentically am is hurting God is deeply painful. But for me, I believe that God understands my search, even more than I do. I think God cares, is glad that I seek spiritual paths, and that I'm on this journey. So I talked to God about it, something I haven't done in a while.
I think part of why I shied away from conversations with God is because of how much I've changed since I was a very conservative Christian. Because I had changed so much, I thought my image of God must therefore change also. But what I'm realizing is that the God of my Christian self is still very much the God of my now-self. This was a surprise to discover. I also think of God as a spirit, the indefinable, hard to nail, floaty-God that I feel connected to in nature. Sometimes I imagine these two God images together, but I haven't often. Somehow I think owning that my image of God is similar to what it once was will help me see these two aspects of God together.
In Eat, Pray, Love, after Gilbert mentions "God" for the first time, she then writes,
"And since this is the first time I have introduced that loaded word-GOD-into my book, and since this is a word which will appear many times again throughout these pages, it seems only fair that I pause here for a moment to explain exactly what I mean when I say that word, just so people can decide right away how offended they need to get."
I chuckled, feeling like I understood how she felt.
She continued:
"... let me first explain why I use the word God, when I could just as easily use the words Jehovah, Allah, Shiva, Brahma, Vishnu, or Zeus...I have nothing against any of these terms. I feel they are all equal because they are all equally adequate and inadequate descriptions of the indescribable. But we each do need a functional name for this indescribability, and "God" is the name that feels the most warm to me, so that's what I use. I should also confess that I generally refer to God as "Him", which doesn't bother me because, to my mind, it's just a convenient personalizing pronoun, not a precise anatomical description or a cause for revolution. Of course, I don't mind if people call God "Her", and I understand the urge to do so. Again-to me, these are both equal terms, equally adequate and inadequate. Though I do think the capitalization of either pronoun is a nice touch, a small politeness in the presence of the divine." (p.13)
I don't think I intended to write that much at first, but I just wanted to include the entire excerpt in here. I call God different things. Sometimes I address the Universe in my prayers, a habit I picked up from the language of The Artist's Way. At my UU Fellowship the minister often addresses "Spirit of Life and Love" which also resonates with me. But I also find that the word "God" seems more encompassing and makes me think of many things at once. I like the openness.
This morning, during my morning pages, I addressed God about my feelings regarding what P said at work last week. I felt more connected to God than I had in a while. Another thought I toyed with is the idea that every person is divine, that our innermost core is sacred. And I wonder if the "substance" of God is the same as this sacred core. Following this line of thought, then connecting to myself means connecting to God. Hmm...food for thought and further consideration. I might address this again in the future.
For now, I'm heading away from the blogosphere, but I hope to return again soon!
Peace!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
A Restful Day & Geographical Ponderings
Today I deliberately slept in. I didn't go to bed until about 1 and slept in 'til 11. It was wonderful. I reheated a lovely stuffed pepper, watched the latter half of a TV Movie, and am now listening to Harry Potter 7 while typing this blog. Later today I'm going to a movie for the first time in a long while.
Today I'm also feeling jealous of a friend of mine. K just arrived in Berkeley, CA, about to begin the next phase of his life in Grad school there. I really miss California. I'm going to type out my honest thoughts right now, though not really being sure what they are. So here we go...
I don't think living in Wilmington, NC is adventurous enough for me. When in California, I really loved living there. I loved telling people in NC, "I live in California." The shock and impressed look on the people's faces made me feel proud. Yes, I did move all the way across the country from where I grew up. Yes I did begin a life elsewhere. I felt so awesome! Now...When people ask me where I group up and I say, "Here." Blech. It feels awful. Because it's not readily clear that I moved so far away and explored the world outside of Wilmington! Which I have!
I do want to move. But I also feel tied to my family. I like having the random days hanging out with my mom. I like being able to be a part of family things. But...but...I still don't want to be here. When we were planning to move, I really thought I would love it here. I truly did. But I think it took moving here for me to realize that this is not where I want to settle down. I'm not sure I want to settle in general.
Where do I want to live? California is still a huge part of my heart. I also really love Oregon. But, as I said above, I feel too tied to family to move that far away again. It makes me feel resentful. I think I would like to live in the mountains of North Carolina. Perhaps somewhere around Asheville. I definitely would love to live where waterfalls are easily accessible. I'm not really sure where else might be on the list. I often take the quiz on findyourspot.com, but am not really sure about whether or not I'd want to move to any of the places that come up.
Ugh. Feeling unsettled and ready for adventures!!
Today I'm also feeling jealous of a friend of mine. K just arrived in Berkeley, CA, about to begin the next phase of his life in Grad school there. I really miss California. I'm going to type out my honest thoughts right now, though not really being sure what they are. So here we go...
I don't think living in Wilmington, NC is adventurous enough for me. When in California, I really loved living there. I loved telling people in NC, "I live in California." The shock and impressed look on the people's faces made me feel proud. Yes, I did move all the way across the country from where I grew up. Yes I did begin a life elsewhere. I felt so awesome! Now...When people ask me where I group up and I say, "Here." Blech. It feels awful. Because it's not readily clear that I moved so far away and explored the world outside of Wilmington! Which I have!
I do want to move. But I also feel tied to my family. I like having the random days hanging out with my mom. I like being able to be a part of family things. But...but...I still don't want to be here. When we were planning to move, I really thought I would love it here. I truly did. But I think it took moving here for me to realize that this is not where I want to settle down. I'm not sure I want to settle in general.
Where do I want to live? California is still a huge part of my heart. I also really love Oregon. But, as I said above, I feel too tied to family to move that far away again. It makes me feel resentful. I think I would like to live in the mountains of North Carolina. Perhaps somewhere around Asheville. I definitely would love to live where waterfalls are easily accessible. I'm not really sure where else might be on the list. I often take the quiz on findyourspot.com, but am not really sure about whether or not I'd want to move to any of the places that come up.
Ugh. Feeling unsettled and ready for adventures!!
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