Mountain Yearnings

I have been craving to go to the NC Mountains. But then I realized that, more than that, I have wanted to live in the mountains. I worry about the winters, because I have never lived in the mountains. In fact, I've never lived in a place where it snows consistently.

I have a friend who has been trying to lure me to Brevard, NC. His bait? Four distinct seasons, more waterfalls than I've ever been around, a wonderful UU Fellowship, etc. The idea of kayaking and hiking in the mountains is the largest lure. It makes me feel like I would be connected to my soul deeply.

The mountains is where I felt the most clear and wonderful connection with god, the universe, and my small but significant place within it.

I feel crazy though. Like I'll never settle down. Like I'll never be satisfied. I also feel like I'm being selfish. I've lived away from my family for 8 years. I've been able to live a life with my husband. We've actually been more connected to our families emotionally. I do love living closer, but I can't say that living in the same town will be the right decision.

I obviously have not given this much time to process yet. I am open to staying here...for now. But I'm going to be looking for things elsewhere. I'm planning on visiting the mountains many times, especially as I have a close friend there, to make sure my heart and soul are as stirred as they once were. I want to grow, live, and develop. I want to feel connected to nature, god, life, and the universe.

Le sigh. We shall see...

New Phase

Since my last blog, my husband and I decided to move back across the country to be closer to our families. So now I'm writing from North Carolina. I'm back to writing my morning pages and hope to continue with my Artist's Dates and my continual tasks.

First goal: I want to draw at least 3-4 times a week. On our drive across country, I drew every day, but one, even if it was just a doodle. I think that was a reasonable goal. The "even if it was just a doodle" part gave me the freedom from pressure. I drew out a poem and picture for a friend whose house we stayed at on the way. It was so fun to work out an idea with her and create it right there.

So today's goal: Journal, draw, take a few pictures. Reasonable, doable, full of possibilities.

On another note, I look at the blog immediately beneath this one: "Butterfly" and it makes me sad. I left my job at my hospice for the move. I just found out yesterday that the women I drew the butterfly for passed away. It's hard to be thousands of miles from the people who understand the specialness of this woman. Kay. Her name was Kay. She was a goofy, beautiful lady from Texas and although she had lived in California for over 20 years, her Texas drawl was still noticeable. She will be missed and sweetly remembered.

Rest in peace, Kay.

Butterfly

I've been neglectful lately with regards to actually doing art. With the exception of a moment last week that I keep mentally revisiting. For those who may not be aware, I currently work with Hospice. Part of my job is visiting hospice patients and trying to identify what gives their life meaning and then do my best to bring them that in the last phase of their life. Thus prepared, imagine the following woman. She is in her early 80s and has always loved nature, once having been an avid fisherwoman. Now she is completely bed-bound in a skilled nursing facility. She does not like TV. She does not like music. "Noise" she politely describes them in her Texas southern drawl that has not diminished despite her 30+ years of living in California. "I prefer visits", she says. And so I visit her about once a week. That hour we call the "time sucker" because it flies by! It really is incredible. It's like visiting a time warp.

Something this lady also misses are butterflies and Texas wildflowers. She has tons of cards all around her room, many of them donned with one or other of those subjects. And I thought to myself, "You've drawn butterflies and flowers before. You should draw her something." For weeks, I intended to create something on my artist date to take to her. But, repeatedly, it didn't happen. So finally, I took a pad of paper and some pencils into her room last week. I told her my intentions and asked if she would be ok with the gesture. "Sure!!" she enthusiastically replied. So throughout our visit (which dove deeper into stories from her past than we had traveled together before) I drew her a monarch butterfly from one of the photos on her many cards. She watched, and we talked and laughed together. I was thrilled with the end result. Not only the picture itself, but her elation that it had been done for her. I think that she was involved in the process was also exciting for her.

The butterfly is now taped to the door of her closet, one of the two doors she faces day in and day out. Bizarrely, this has also been an even more justifiable gesture, because it is helping keep track of her ever-diminishing short term memory (i.e., does she know who drew it and when? does she remember that she likes butterflies? and so forth). But I'd be lying to myself if I said that was the reason I did it. I did it because I wanted to offer this woman who enjoys visits, a visual reminder of something she used to love in nature. I wanted to use my gift of art to make her world more lovely. And I think I did. And she is thrilled.

Mahatma Ghandi once said, "I want freedom for the full expression of my personality." I felt as though I was able to express myself in that moment; that I gave myself the freedom and the permission to express myself. And it. felt. wonderful.

Picnik

Recently, I've been feeling jealous over pictures posted by some of my friends on facebook. I could tell they had done some editing to them, and I was envious of the interesting results created. Finally, one of them explained the use of "Picnik" in the process. After a quick google search, and lots of playing, I have starting editing some of my photos. Currently, I'm obsessed with one of the editing settings called "Holga-ish". It is not, by any means, the only one that has captivated my attention. However, I figured it was best to focus on one particular setting during my first evening of editing. That way, I would not become overwhelmed too quickly.

So, for your viewing pleasure, here's one of my photos that I have edited thus far:





I am so interested in the shadows, shapes, and lighting created by this editing process. I hope to continue the fun and exhilaration. Thankfully, this has helped me have something new to try. I also recently acquired a new camera that I have yet to really take out and play with. Hopefully that will be an artist date very soon. May you all have blessings and creative inspiration!

Logistical Lethargy

I made a mistake last night. One I hope not to repeat in the future due to its detrimental effects on my artistic self. You see, the idea of one say owning a small gallery/store of my various artistic silliness has taken hold of my imagination. Yesterday, I said to myself, "When I get home, I'm going to create more art." Did that happen? No. What came in its stead? Hours of me trying to think of a name for the gallery and checking to see if the domain name online had already been taken; and searching for business cards. I felt creatively drained at the end of the night. I also felt foolish for allowing myself to get sucked into the logistical lethargy rather than playing with pastels, or paints, or pencils. As I said, a mistake I hope not to repeat. Because, while the logistical stuff is important, it is not the core of it all. Creating, being silly, playing. Those are the core elements of this new artistic life I'm dreaming about. I'll work out the logistics someday. And I hope they come naturally, just as playing with art has. And I'll continue my morning pages; I'll continue creating, and I'll continue to see the world at interesting angles and perspectives.

On a rather sad note my Artist's Way group finished its final session this Wednesday. We're going to be meeting monthly for something we've dubbed "Artist's Play" where we bring various mediums and create together in an encouraging, fun atmosphere. I look forward to that.

What else?

Oh, my imaginings have been taking more form lately, so I thought I'd take a moment to list some of what's been rolling around in my mind. If you're not a list person, feel free to skip this part of the blogging :)

• Taking my camera everywhere
• Playing with art several days a week, if not every day
• Write and illustrate a children's book
  
• Create a photo/historical coffee table book of my hometown
• Research where to find pre-cut 8x12 mats online
• Go to the art museums in my town (and surroundin towns) and note what stands out to me that I might want to try
• Continue to surround myself with people who are encouraging of these artistic endeavors
• Continue using facebook as a networking/brainstorming tool
• Take classes in photography, photoshop, drawing, and various types of painting (check local community colleges for evening classes)
  

All for now. On to creativity! On to light! On to laughter and love and silliness!

Disappointed

I made my first attempt to get one of my newer photographs printed (above photo) and it did not turn out well. The photo is so disappointingly dark that you cannot make out most of the important details that make it beautiful to me. So I suppose I'll continue to be on a hunt for a good place to print my photos. I'm also going to be hunting for a place to order 8x12 pre-cut mats. And...although I'm sad about the results of this first venture, I still have a good time being artistic.

Most recently, I've noticed that while things seem to be crumbling around me at work at times; and although the personal tensions are so ridiculously thick they could be cut through; I'm calmer. Today, during a long, difficult meeting, I drew several of the items on the table and played with shadows and light. My mind stayed focused on the topics in the discussion, while my heart was on the shapes forming from my pen.

Left brain occupied? Check. Right brain nurtured? Check.

Awesome :)

Portfolio

Today's photo contributions to my blog, in increased-amount-of-light order.

For the first time, I'm trying to create a coherent, impressive portfolio. I think this is a moment where my OCD tendencies will both help and hinder me. They will help, because I will be very detailed-oriented and consistent. They will hinder because it's most likely that I'll push myself into anxiety while creating it. One of the things I love about art is that even when I'm working on a project like making a portfolio, it still challenges and excites me creatively. I'm interested in seeing how art develops for me over time But mostly, I'm trying to embrace all the possibilities and excitement as they come. More on the portfolio as it unravels!