Inspiration

Inspired by my husband to blog, I decided to jump back on here with a concoction of thoughts all rolling around in my head.

First, I'm grateful for my relationship with Dan. He is someone I value and appreciate. I'm also grateful for my parents and find that I don't think about them as often as I "should" because remembering how far we live from them aches. I do think that we're going to end up back in North Carolina at some point, but I do wish, in many ways, that the people in Wilmington would stop wishing us home. That sounds pouty. I think why I feel that way has to do with the worry that people will expect us to be more like our North Carolina Selves. Dan and I have spent the majority of our marriage and entire relationship in California. We are socially, spiritually, and politically progressive and liberal. We're going to be taking Wilmington on with new hopes and experiences. I'm planning on getting involved with the UU Church there, and finding out about local Rainbow Alliances or GLBT Organizations. It's going to be a much different experience than when I was growing up in Wilm.

But all of this is a moot point anyway for a moment, because neither Dan nor I can finds jobs that will enable us to move. And now, people in our church here in Ventura know about the slight possibility of us moving. I actually don't quite understand the extreme reaction we've been getting . Maybe extreme isn't the right word. But more people seem disproportionately sad about it than seems justiable for the short amount of time that we've lived in this community. I think we make more of an impression as a couple that I'm aware of or comfortable with. I'm curious both about why this is so and why it makes me feel less than comfortable. I think part of the comfort is about the ties to the community. The idea of moving across the country seems less painful if we don't have that many to say goodbye to. When we moved from Mount Holly, NC, we were essentially devoid of community, so leaving lacked the emotional ties that I'm afraid of breaking here.

Oh, funny story. Well, it begins with sweetness and awesomeness, so I'll start there. I went to San Diego this weekend for the first time since moving to California in 2005. Frankly, I don't know why it took me so long, but it did. Went to the zoo. Strolled around Balboa Park. Really liked the city. The reason I went was because another of my friends was getting ordained. That's the true instigator of needing to blog again. Ordination of friends always makes me wonder about ordination for myself. Forces me to think or it, more like. The service was a UU Service, which made it that much more touching. There was no part of the service that I felt inauthentic about or felt that I too couldn't appreciate for myself. The choir even sang "Seasons of Love" from RENT! I loved it. So that's what took me to San Diego.

So from that, I arrive back in Ventura just shy of midnight on Sunday. And I wake up in an extremely introspection kind of place. And I just happen to have a message from an old college friend on facebook saying he'd love to hear how Dan and I are doing, and how jealous he is that we live in CA. Well, his timing is the funny thing. Because I wrote him back...and wrote...and WROTE. Poor guy. Didn't know to expect such an outpouring. Hope I didn't scare him. I think part of it is, that I mentally equate him with a friend of mine from CA, who would take my verbosity in stride. But this other guy is out of practice with my intense wordiness, so I'm hoping he's not still drowning in it.

So that's my funny story. Hopefully, I'll be typing more often in the uncoming days, weeks, and months. This feels like a really healthy outlet for me, especially when I actually allow it to be more of a stream of consciousness, rather than something that needs to be edited because it's public. I have my own private pages for REAL spewing of the emotional kind. But hopefully I can continue to do more of that on here because it just feels...right.

Peace.

It was a good weekend

Dan's word struck me just now. It was, indeed, a fantastic weekend. We went to Claremont and spent time with very important friends in one of the most formative places we have ever lived. I'll speak for myself and not for "us" as tends to happen in relationships. I had an amazing time. When I arrived in Claremont I felt this overwhelming sense of being home. Seriously, it took my breath away and sent waves of emotions through me on several occasions. I think about when we'll be moving to Wilmington and it makes me think about the next stage of loss from Claremont. Already, I feel separate from this world that was my home for so many years. My feelings on getting to Claremont and being around my CST friends was kin to the emotional attachment I have to my hometown and my family of origin. I can give no higher connectional praise than that. I was actually surprised at the intensity of my feelings. Oxnard just does not feel like home. I have a job here. I have a church here. I have one friend here worth mentioning. And...that's it. It seems like many of the pieces are there. But it just doesn't fit. And frankly, I don't much want to take the time and energy to force it to fit.

So I'm thinking about transition. I'm thinking about loss and grief. I'm thinking about moving to Wilmington and moving further away from Claremont and all it's beautiful, inspiring people. It's time. Claremont is a community in transition. Moving back there would only have temporary results, for in a few years, the community I love so dearly, would continue to disperse. That's the nature of educational communities I think. They are in flux. They change. That is their constant. I used to think I would love being a teacher because it wouldn't be boring. Students would change. But now, I like stability. I like routine. I like the constancy of my relationship with Dan, and the deepening relatinship with my family.

I'm also thinking about the CPE Residency application I need to work on. I have been avoiding it to a large degree. I think it's because I have freaked myself out because there is so much riding on me getting this residency program. It would give me a job for a year so we could move to Wilmington. It would help me grow and embrace my chaplain identity even further. It means we could be near family; that I could get to know my parents more and we could become closer. It means I could help take care of my grandmother as her health continues to decline. It means Dan can become closer to his parents. It means that we could become parents in the next few years. This job, because there are no others readily available at the moment, could mean the difference between moving back to NC now or staying in CA reluctantly beyond our heart love for it.

Tomorrow I'll try to post the Pro/Con list we made for moving and staying. It was telling. And it represented what we have been feeling.

But at the same time, I'm worried. I'm worried about leaving behind the progressive culture I fit really well into. I'm worried about finding my identity as a Chaplain in a distinctly more conservative theological climate. I'm worried that I will be expected to go to the church of my upbringing, because I won't be attending it on a regular basis. For special events and occasions, I can definitely see going. But it will not be what theologically nourishes an challenges the person I have become. I had a very important dream. I have been thinking about all the good things about moving back, I had a dream reminding me of some of the frustrating relational things that are likely to happen. And it reminded me that there are ups and downs to all situations. While it will be a better long-term decision to move back...I will miss California. I don't want ot lose who I've become. I just want to learn more how to evolve like I have been in a new (older) situation.

The Artist's Way

Hello there. It's been far too long. Some of the things that are major that have happened in my world are the following:

• I have become a fulltime salaried employee at my job after my office was bought by a new hospice
• My immediate superior has resigned, which I feel mostly grateful for because se is very hard to work with
• My super head boss has also resigned, which is very sad to me because she has been an incredible person to work for and with
• I have still begun a process of looking for a job on the east coast in the same field I'm in now
• My cousin and a couple of her friends are planning a trip out here for June. It's going to be wonderful. My parents have only ever been out here twice. Once to move us out and once for our graduation.
  

I've also begun a group called "The Artist's Way", which is a very involved group at my Unitarian Universalist congregation. Some of the requirements are I have to wake up earlier everyday for 12 weeks and write "Morning Pages" which is three pages of long-hand stream-of-consciousness writing. You just write whatever comes to your mind. It does not have to eloquent or processed. It just has to be...for three pages. I've been fighting my inner critic. And tonight I went for a walk around my neighborhood with my camera and tripod and just took pictures of things I thought were beautiful.

I'm excited about letting my inner artist out to play more. Hopefully, I'll have more to share about that as the weeks roll by.

For now...goodnight.

The Beginning of a Vision

I literally only have a couple of minutes before I have to begin a new week at work. But I wanted to document some of what is developing in my mind as possibilities for my future.

I have begun the very beginning stages of inquiring about Unitarian Universalist Ordination. I have some questions out to the UUA that I'm waiting to hear back about.

I can imagine getting a Ph.D. in gerontology and one of the best I've heard about happens to be at USC which is not that far. In case you're interested, you can find more about that here: http://www.usc.edu/dept/gero/

I can imagine combining the fields of aging and spirituality and discussing the ways in which taking care of the "spirit" in the mind-body-spirit combo, can help with meaning-making and life's purpose.

I recently went to a seminar about successful aging with a co-worker. My co-worker kept laughing at me because I was so excited about happy to be discussing a topic that I'm so passionate about.

I can also imagine teaching sometime in the future in a University setting. But for now, I'm grateful to have the opportunity to work with the people I care for through Hospice. It's practical experience that will give me an important foundation for whatever I do in the future.

More as this develops.

Barack Obama, President Elect!!

I just wanted to write a quick blog before I completely crash for the evening. In a time when I feel lost and confused about so much, I am feeling such a huge sense of relief and awe at the results of this presidential election! I am so proud and grateful and emotionally overwhelmed by everything and I'm feeling politically....hopeful.

This is how I spent this historical election as the reports came in: I was in facebook, an online community, constantly sharing my thoughts, feelings, and responses with friends all across the country and world. It seems so appropriate to have spent this time with an online community because it's such a 21st century thing, and this is our 21st century President! He has been incredible with grassroots campaigning.

Tonight, I shared tears, laughter, and even anger at my idea of disrespect and ignorance. I saw Rev. Jesse Jackson crying. I saw John McCain stop his audience from booing Barack. I learned about the solidarity I feel with many of my friends. I feel hopeful. I feel jealous of my friends who were in Chicago. I feel connected to people. I feel predominantly unified as an American. I feel proud to call myself an American for the first time...perhaps ever.

I am proud to have been part of this major, influential, life-changing historical event!!!

Stagnation

I have been very stressed lately. My office's takeover has been pushed back a month. My paycheck was way too little and we wern't able to pay rent without help from people who we are lucky to have. It'll be better (hopefully) tomorrow because I'll get the rest of my check. But it left me with several hours of freak out on Friday.

On another, much happier note, Dan and I voted yesterday. We voted for Barack Obama, and no on Props 4 and 8 in California. It feels like such an amazing thing to be a part of history. I don't know exactly what's going to happen on Tuesday. But I hope and will even pray that the next four years will be led well by Barack Obama.

Today is the Day of the Dead. It was celebrated in the UU church where we attend. I drummed, sang, danced, listening, named names of loved ones who have passed away, etc. It felt sacred.

I still feel like we could go home, but there are several other thoughts in my mind. 1) I would leave behind a job that means something to me. 2) I would be leaving a few friends that I have made here. 3) I would be leaving behind the school where I went, including the people who still attend who I count among my support network. 4) If I want to pursue Unitarian Univeralist ordained ministry, then CA would be the place to do that, Ventura in particular. I haven't felt this connected in a church since Wrightsboro United Methodist in Wilmington; but my views, beliefs, faith, and ideas no longer fit within that denomination or that church.

Other things in my mind: Dan still hasn't been able to find a job. He admits that part of him wants to go back east too. He doesn't have a job or a community of people where we currently are. So, perhaps, it would be easier to him to move. I don't know. I think, rationally, that we would both experience sadness and gratefulness for going.

Another thing: i found out that another couple we know is going to have a baby. I don't know how to deal with the continued jealousy I feel whenever this happens. It brings me to the title of this blog. Stagnation. I feel like I'm stuck. I want to move forward, but am not exactly where "forward" will be. I do want to be a mom. I feel it more and more. There's is just someting about the idea of raising a child (or children) in a home that promotes love, spirituality, responsible justice and social engagement...and of having a little Wheat-Rivers with curls around. So I do feel jealous of those people in my world who are beginning families.

I don't feel like I'm in a good place in my head right now. I'm just having a sad day. So right now, I'm going to do some exercise, maybe watch a movie, and look further into UU ordination.

Peace.

Choir Delight

Choir was last night at the UU Church, and it was a good surprise. I have become aware of something. The woman who sits beside me is particularly miffed with a woman in the alto section. The alto woman was not there last night, so the negative energy was WAY less than is typical. It was a good surprise because I actually had a good time last night. However, it makes me sad that I am so susceptible to moods.

My friend Kt and I have had discussions about our responses to people's moods and energies. She's a Social Worker and I'm a Spiritual Care and Bereavement Coordinator. She and I both compassionate, empathetic people. Which...can be difficult. Because we work in Hospice and are constantly dealing with high levels of emotion. And that's the thing. It's a blessing and a curse. It's wonderful to be able to it with people in their emotions and support them even if you don't anything you can say or do. But, it's emotionally exhausting, and is the reason I need things like choir to be nurturing.

I wanted to share some of the words from one of my choir's songs. The song is called "Seed to Sow". I wish you could hear the tune. It stirs my heart.

Some people quietly reveal in the manner of the meek
Some people shout the way they feel to a radical degree
Some people sing it to express, while others hear another call
Some people speak with subtleness, some don't rely on words at all

But let me tell you 'bout one thing, I know,
everybody's got a seed to sow
Let your heart of hearts take you down the road
Ev'rybody's got a seed to sow.

We all are pieces of the whole,
with diff'rent feelings to evoke
Giving distinction to the role
diff'rent players, different strokes

Some people walk, some people race
Some people vary in their pace
But God can use what you can give,
within the myst'ry of God's ways


All for now!