17 Weeks

This week, I have noticed a significant increase in my crying. More things are sparking tears and weeping. While talking to a friend, I realized something especially distressing about this. Because I'm a "feeler" and someone who judges much of my interaction with others and the world through my emotions, I'm feeling particularly off kilter at the moment because my emotions are unreliable. It's leaving me feeling disoriented. This same friend, however, also pointed out how wonderful it is that I have Dan as my spouse and partner, because I can trust and rely upon him when my own sense of connection and understanding is a bit...untrustworthy. 

On a positive note, I'm happy to report that Project "Purge and Reorganize" the storage room was a success! With both sets of parents helping, we managed to pull out all the boxes and other items in the storage unit, go through things, throw away a bunch, donate even more, and repack the rest into a much more organization way. Everybody contributed in the ways they could and the result was astounding. And we did it in a really short amount of time overall! We also were able to take out the bed and vanity from our front bedroom and get them back into the storage unit. It feels like we made a huge leap forward at getting ready for baby. Speaking of! My parents' neighbors came together through a series of events and we were able to get a gently used changing table that is lovely. It's a dark wood color just like we wanted. And the style of it helped us narrow down cribs that we were looking at and I think we've decided on one to keep on our registry!

Another landmark moment for me this week was getting my hair chopped off into a curly-haired pixie cut. I'm still getting used to it, but I can tell you that the coolness of the style is winning out with this week's extraordinarily high heat indexes (topping out at 112!). Another time I really liked having my shorter hair was during my exercise this week. Last week, I ordered a "What to Expect When You're Expecting" exercise DVD. It's divided into cardio, strength, and stretching sections. So I've done a couple of sessions on that. And then on Tuesday, I attended a yoga class being offered through my work. I really appreciated the chance to breathe and stretch. The instructor gave also us options for many of the poses to address the varied comfort and skill levels in the room. I found the choices helpful. I did notice that I 100% could not lie on my stomach. I felt like I was squishing baby! So any time the pose began on our stomach, I curled on my side a bit. It's strange to think about all these movements affecting baby and making him or her wiggles and move!

At this point, as I've shared before, I should be able to feel baby move at any time. There have been three times where I've felt a fluttering that could be baby! But I'm still not 100% sure. And from what I've read, moms who are on their second or further child know how it feels and can pick up on the sensation earlier. Being a first time mom makes me/us less unsure and we take longer as a whole to say for sure that that's what's happening. I'm remaining hopeful for the moment where I feel the baby move without a doubt.

One final thing that happened this week is that my dosage of insulin was increased. It's been an emotional and nerve-wracking thing to have to give myself so many shots a day. Then I also have to check my sugar four times a day. I feel like I'm just poking myself with so many holes. I've shed many tears over it. When the doctor's office called and told me they were increasing my insulin, I had a moment where I felt like a failure as a mom-to-be. It was while processing these feelings with the friend above, that I realized that my own feelings are sketchy at best to trust. I can hear how hard on myself I'm being. I can hear me beating myself up and making guilt-inducing accusation about not being good enough. And I need to rely on people I trust, Dan most especially, to help me through. I continue to feel deeply grateful for him. In fact, my favorite story about his awesomeness this week was from Tuesday. Through the encouragement from some of my coworkers and from Dan, I decided to brave the yoga class even though I was extremely nervous. When I got home from what turned out to be a wonderful hour of stretching and strengthening, Dan informed me that dinner was just a few minutes from being ready, that he had set up our cable, and that he'd already set up the DVR to record "So You Think You Can Dance" for the rest of the season. He is so awesome!! I felt so taken care of. His attentiveness as a husband can do nothing but translate into loving, compassionate, attentiveness as a dad. When I have those moments where I feel completely daunted in the parental task before us, I remember that we have each other to lean on. Not to mention an incredible network of support and love from family and friends.

As for baby this week, he or she has grown to the size of a turnip or pomegranate. I think I'm going to need to check out both of these at the grocery story the next time I'm there, because neither makes a size reference I'm immediately familiar with. But my understanding is that baby is around 5 inches long or...and here's the one that stood out...about the size of my palm. So I keep imaging baby there when I look at my hand. Yet another moment that makes me tear up. 

Baby's senses are also developing more of his/her brain is controlling baby's heartbeat more efficiently, making the rate more consistent rather than erratic. The soft cartilage making up baby's skeleton is ossifying to bone. My information tells me to make sure I'm getting calcium, magnesium, iron, vitamins A, C, and D. Most of this I've already been getting through supplements per the doctor's recommendation. But I'm also trying to get them through my food and drink. My chant this week has been "better for baby" when I'm giving myself shots and making sure I intake food and drink rich in good things. 

It's less than three weeks until we find out if we're having a Bennett or an Emma! I'm so excited at how close it is! Let the countdown begin!

A moment of deep gratitude

I need to take a moment to write about how much Dan has been helping during my pregnancy. He is always been a man willing to jump in, and step up, and go above and beyond for me and for us. I didn't think it was possible but it's gotten even more amazing since I've been pregnant. He willingly runs errands and gets me whatever I feel up to eating or drinking. He lovingly helps out around the house. And he's been having to do so much more that lately. I definitely feel guilt over how much he is having to take on. But he lovingly assures me of his willingness to do whatever he can. He is kind and compassionate and so sweet. I think I love him more each day. And I can only imagine how much more I will love him when I see him caring for our child. 

16 Weeks

It seems like a lot has happened this week. I was trying to get it all straight in my head to be able to write about it. On Sunday, we went to Henderson and Elsie, a cousin from our older generation, told the family up there that we're expecting a baby. In all honesty, it was such a different experience to have someone else taking the role of sharing, and in such a large setting, that I didn't listen well to what she was saying. And though they are family, I only know a handful of them. And while I don't mind them knowing, after the fact, Dan shared his feelings about all that Elsie shared and I was shocked. As I said, I wasn't really listening. Dan said he was surprised that she shared "so much." Elaborating, he said she talked about us being married for so long, remembering that it was 11 years. Not a problem. That's fine. But then she also shared some about us having trouble along the way and that we didn't know if we were going to be able to have children. That was incredibly and uncomfortably personal. There's nothing that can be done, but there it is.

Dan's bosses took us out to a nice dinner on Tuesday. We enjoyed the time with them, laughed at many stories, and had some delicious food. They also raved about how valuable of an employee Dan is. It warms my heart to hear him being appreciated the way I think he deserves to be. They even joked that people might be getting tired of Dan being pointed out as the example of how to do things correctly. Remembering how many jobs and difficulties it has taken to get here, I'm just so grateful. I can't wait for them to start selling onesies! His bosses also shocked us with a congratulations card with two Visa gift cards inside saying they hope their contribution will help with the nursery. I want to get a personal thank you card for them, which will feel so small and piddly in comparison, but they deserve to know our gratitude and how deep it runs. I mean this year alone, they've given us the opportunity to go to Harry Potter World in Orlando, invited us to their rented beach house to enjoy a day on their boat and in the pool, taken us to this fabulous dinner, and given us this gift to help with our nursery. Gratitude upon gratitude.

Yesterday, at the end of the work day, I ran an errand and was overtaken by a feeling of dizziness and a sudden headache. The experience left me feeling puny and drained. Dan stopped by at the store where I was on his way home so that he could make sure I was safe enough to drive. He followed me home, where I promptly took a nap to try and feel better. Then part of the evening was spent in the front bedroom. Dan worked very hard to clear out some of the main area and we discussed placement of the pieces of furniture we're anticipating in the nursery. It was special and surreal all at the same time. I think we have a decent idea of where we're going to start at least. Tonight we're going to try to pack up more of the front bedroom, begin cleaning under the bed, and potentially take the bed apart. This is all to help us prepare for Saturday and the purging and reorganizing of the storage unit. I hope next week that I can report a lot of progress.

As for Baby's development, here are some of the things I've learned this week: baby is likely kicking and moving a lot more. I should be able to feel him/her move any time now. My app tells me this can feel like a number of things including a flutter like butterflies, gas, or popcorn popping! We'll see what form my "quickening" takes. I've also learned that baby can detect light through my belly, which is a strange concept to imagine. Baby can also hear my heartbeat and may be able to hear me talking, so I've deliberately been speaking to Baby more and even playing music on my stomach. Baby is now the size of a dill pickle, about 4-5 inches long. And, while this may be super personal, constipation is a likely symptom at this time, and certainly one that I've been experiencing.

Something that happened a few weeks ago that I wanted to document occurred during our most recent ultrasound. I was around 13 weeks pregnant at the time and they did a lot of measurements during the appointment. They checked the diameter of the stomach, length of Baby from head to feet, the diameter of the head, and so on. Each measurement would be entered and shown on a very large screen in front of us. There was so much information up there that it was hard to take it in. And it turns out I missed something important. When we were leaving, Dan tells me that next to each measurement, there was an approximated gestational estimation. For example, next to the whole length of the baby, it might say "13 weeks, 2 days." Every measurement was similar. 13 weeks and 3 days, 13 weeks and 5 days. But the head measurement? 14 weeks! I knew Dan having a giant head would likely factor into pregnancy! And here's the beginning of proof of that. I'm trying not to worry too much about it yet.

Speaking of worry, though, I was started on insulin this week for my gestational diabetes. I have only been taking it a couple days, but it's very nerve-wracking still. I have to continue checking my sugar first thing in the morning and then two hours after each meal. But I will now have to give myself four shots a day as well; right as I'm about to eat each meal and then also in the evening. I keep chanting to myself, "Better for baby." I worry I'm going to have to have the insulin increased because my numbers for some meals are still too high. Overall, though, I think most of my numbers are near their goals for me. I was just called by the doctor's office and they want me to come in for labs. So I'm going to head off for now so I can head over to the office to have blood drawn. More soon!

A Good Surprise and a Project

I went on my Ovia Pregnancy App this morning to see what information it had for me today. And here's what it told me, "Your baby can probably hear your heartbeat, and maybe even your voice." I almost cried. I didn't realize it, but one of the milestones I'd been thinking of in the back of my mind was getting to the point where my baby could hear me talking and singing. I sent the information to Dan immediately and told him we needed to start talking to baby! He agreed and shared his love for me in the moment. Other milestones include knowing the sex of the baby and feeling the baby kick. 

On another note, one of my coworkers came over to me today to ask about potential time frame for the baby shower she and my coworkers want to throw for me. It was so sweet that she immediately starting thinking of that when I told her I was pregnant. And it's fun to imagine a celebration with these people I share so much of my life with.

Last thing for now in this otherwise shorter-than-normal blog: My in-laws and my parents are going to help Dan and I with cleaning up and cleaning out some of our storage unit this weekend. We are going to go through things, hopefully purge some, and then also work to rearrange things so that we can get our front bedroom set into the storage unit and then can more readily set up the front bedroom as our nursery. A huge project, that feels insurmountable at the moment, is for us to get the carpets taken up so we can put down laminate flooring everywhere. We also want to change out the bathroom flooring as well. Having parents willing to help (both my mom and Dan's dad offered separately) with the storage unit is something I feel very grateful for. One thing at a time!

15 Weeks

Today, I'm 15 weeks pregnant. I decided I wanted to document my pregnancy more fully. Dan and I don't know if this is going to be our only child, but there is certainly a chance that this will be my only time experiencing pregnancy. And as poignant as it all is in the moment, I'm sure there will come a time, when it's a distant memory, that I'll wish I had written and documented more. As of today, Dan and I plan to take weekly profile photos to note any belly growth. I also want to share some of the things I'm learning about Baby each week. So here goes the beginnings of this endeavor. 

This week, Baby is the size of a naval orange or a Haas avocado. I'm officially one week into my second trimester. I've learned that the baby can bend his or her elbows and knees and that the legs are finally becoming longer than the arms. Baby is also capable of pumping 25 quarts of blood a day! When I went to the Doctor's office on Tuesday, I got to hear the baby's heartbeat. The first couple of times, the heart rate was in the mid 160s. The last couple of times, it's been in the mid 150s.

I also had my first unsolicited belly touch. Without someone asking. This BLOWS my mind. I know I'm only at the beginning of people potentially doing this. But it is strange, inappropriate, and frustrating as hell. That is my BODY that you just touched without permission. I never have felt comfortable even touching my friends' bellies when they were pregnant. Much less someone I know more peripherally.

It's just over a month before we'll be finding out the sex of the baby. I've been thinking about doing some of the sex-predictor activities. Here are the some of the predictor tests:

1) The baking soda test: Pour your urine into clear cup containing two tablespoons of baking soda. If it fizzles like soda it means boy, flat means girl.

2) The red cabbage test is where you chop a red cabbage up and put the chunks in a bowl. Then you dump boiling water over the whole thing and let it sit for ten minutes. Strain the cabbage and dump the water into a clear glass. It will look blueish. Pee into a separate container. Then you want equal parts cabbage and urine. Pour one into the other and wait. If it turns red or pink, it's a boy. If it turns violet, it's a girl.

3) Ring on a string: Tie a string around your wedding ring and hold it over top of your belly . If the ring moves in circles, supposedly it’s a girl. If it moves from side to side, it’s a boy. 

4) The Mayan System: Legend has it that the Mayans determined a baby’s sex by looking at the mother’s age at conception and the year of conception. If both are even or odd, it’s a girl. If one’s even and one’s odd, it’s a boy. By this test, we would be having a girl. We conceived when I was 31 in 2015.

5) Chinese predictor: This chart, found in an ancient royal tomb in Beijing, is said to be over 90% accurate in predicting your baby’s gender. Basically you figure your age at conception and the month of conception. The calendar converts it, and you have your answer. But here's the thing about this test. It's my understanding that most Asian cultures count a person as one year old when they are born. If that's the case, then the test says we're having a girl. If I use my age as understood in my culture, then it says we're having a boy. Who knows?

6) Drano test: Pee in a cup, mix in a tablespoon of Drano and watch to see if it changes color. Have a friend or your spouse do this one for you outside as the result produces dangerous fumes. Green = girl, and blue = boy.

7) Acne: They say that girls steal their mother’s beauty, so a woman carrying a girl tends to have acne. I don't have a lot of acne, so that would lean to our baby being a boy. But one of my friends had severe acne, and she did have a boy. Although, I've been wondering if women who had bad acne as a teenager, have bad acne when pregnant. 

8) Sweet vs. Savory: I've also heard that if a woman craves salty food, then it's a boy. If the mom-to-be craves sweet foods, then it's a girl. I've been going back and forth, so this feels indeterminate at this time.

So those are the tests I'm thinking about trying some of! If I do them, then I'll definitely post the results! And then on August 12th, we'll know for sure!

Tonight, we went to my parents' house for dinner and my mom gave me a Raggedy Ann doll she made by hand! She's been intending to make it since my childhood and me being pregnant finally seemed to give her the motivation to do so! I love it so much!

I think that's about it for this week. Hopefully, I'll be able to manage weekly updates as much as possible. 

15 weeks down, and 25 to go.

Reflections on Robin Williams' Death

Yesterday news reports and social media were overwhelmed with the information that Robin Williams had died in an apparent suicide. I'm fully aware that I'm not alone in deeply feeling his loss. He was a beautifully creative, quick-witted, and hilarious man whose life changed people. Some of the movies he was in altered my life, stirred up emotions, and had me laughing until my stomach hurt. Some of the roles I'll never forget were from The Dead Poet's Society, Mrs. Doubtfire, Aladdin, Good Will Hunting, Hook, The Birdcage, Good Morning Vietnam, Jumanji, and What Dreams May Come.

Robin Williams is someone Dan and I both liked at the beginning of our relationship; someone we talked about and shared movie experiences with. We joked about him being so fuzzy that he could have been the missing link.

What has me even more reflective this morning is knowing that he suffered from Depression. I can painfully relate, having been through 5-6 Major Depressive Episodes throughout my life. Each time has been devastating and has brought me to a core of pain and feelings of worthlessness. I have become better at recognizing the symptoms at the beginning of an episode, and have gratefully created mechanisms of coping. But every time, the process is completely draining and it takes every ounce of my energy to continue doing everyday things - like preparing food, waking up, going to work...

This whole situation with Robin Williams makes me think though. We never truly know the depths and struggles going on with other people. When someone says to me, "You're always so happy!" it makes me a little sad because I figure that means we don't know each other well. The people who know me are the friends that I can be honest with when my mood isn't "fit for company." They're the ones I can still be around anyway. A quote I appreciate that seems especially appropriate right now is, "Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind always." (Ian Maclaren)

I worry though. When I hear about suicides from people who also suffer from Depression, it scares me. All I can do is hope that during any future episodes, I'll be able to utilize the care of people who love me and embrace the coping mechanisms I've learned over the years.

In the meantime, I say to Robin: May your soul be at rest. You will be missed. And, as the Academy posted last night, "Genie, you're free."

Thin Places

Spurred on by my readings in The Feminine Face of God, I decided to attend a Full Moon Circle this week. It's an all-women spirituality group that I've only been to a handful of times. This week's theme was about thin places; places that are personally sacred. We each went around the room and shared heartfelt stories about where we have felt close to the sacred. The locations spanned the whole world. Some of mine include the beach in Belize I've written about before as well as mountains in general, especially The Blue Ridge Parkway. After sharing about my own thin places and hearing about other people's, I became worried. All the thin places I could imagine were either in the past or not some place I could easily access. Several people spoke of thin places that were special and sacred to them now. I racked my brain and realized a surprising thin place for me: prayer. Not prayer by myself, which I admittedly don't practice very often, at least not in the traditional sense. Art, writing, and singing are my personal prayers. I'm talking about the prayers I say with other people, usually in my role as a Chaplain, worship leader, or with my family.

As a Chaplain, I pray with my patients and their families. In my current cultural location, my prayers often reflect the most common theological perspectives here. It's taken me a while to become comfortable doing so. Mostly, my language reflects a theology that is not part of my current beliefs and yet, strangely, has still felt authentic for me. My discomfort has mostly been present because I haven't been able to understand how I could believe differently and yet feel so authentic in prayer. Recently, in The Feminine Face of God, I came across a phrase from a woman who was once a Roman Catholic nun who left her order and has since pursued painting images of the goddess as a reflection of her spirituality. "My Catholic heritage and environment have been like a beautiful river flowing over my subterranean foundation in God the Mother," she writes in her introduction to The Mother's Songs, "The two movements are not in conflict, they simply water different layers in my soul." They simply water different layers in my soul. Yes, absolutely. This helped me find language for why I can feel personally different from the beliefs of my patients and yet can authentically and whole-heartedly pray with them and their families along our varied theological perspectives; because it waters my soul to do so and connects me with my foundational and initial belief system.

In worship settings, I typically am praying among other Unitarian Universalists and therefore the language I get to embrace reflects my current beliefs. It becomes a combination of prayer, meditation, and guided imagery. It feels comfortable and peaceful. It's almost as though I zone out. I seek the words that feel the most fitting and reflective of the mood, theme, and feeling of the service of which the prayer is a part. Sometimes, it takes me a moment to reemerge into the present moment. But typically I still remain connected to the sacred like the smoke of birthday candles that continue to waft through the air even after the flames have been blown out.

With my family, I'm usually asked to say a blessing before meals. One or both of my parents usually ask me to do this. I think they do it because of my vocation as a Chaplain. They used to try to ask my husband to do it, but Dan doesn't feel comfortable when being put on the spot like that. Over time, it has become my role and is seen as an honor. I embrace as one. Traditionally, in this cultural location, many families have a patriarch lead family prayers. I appreciate and value that my family challenges this tradition.

One last family prayer memory. I've written about it before, but it particularly stands out because it combined my role as a Chaplain and as a family member - as a granddaughter, daughter, niece, and wife. When my grandmother was dying last year, my mom asked me to pray for her. She asked me to do so because she sensed that my grandmother, her mother, needed a minister to provide care. And there I was, the Chaplain Granddaughter, present, willing and able. I accepted the challenge of my mom's request and sang several old hymns and ended them with a prayer. My grandmother died very shortly afterward. I like to think that my prayer comforted my grandmother and offered her peace, as well as provided love and compassion for my family present in the room.

Prayer with others is one of my thin places. It's a sacredness I have access to on a regular basis. I'm grateful for having this particular thin place and becoming aware of it. Thank you to all the women who were a part of this recent, personal discovery.

Blessed be.