Processing a Loss

In the wee hours of the morning on Thursday, the world experienced a loss. Kim Sibbach, a 26-year-old who has been battling breast cancer for the last three years, died. Kim and I grew up in the same town. We danced at the same studio. Our moms worked together for decades. They're best friends. Kim and I were not close, but I knew her. And even peripherally, this loss has tremendously been in my head and on my heart. I have an array of feelings: devastation, anger, sadness, concern, sympathy, heartache, worry...

I hate that we live in a world where people like Kim get cancer. That she won't be able to grow old and become a journalist like she dreamed. Or fall in love, or decide whether she wants to become a mom...I hate that some of her grandparents outlived her. I hate that her mom only has one child now, even though Stacy is fabulous. I hate that Kim was only a year younger than me, and her death seems to be making my mom think a lot of "What if it had been you..." thoughts.

Even though she was so young, Kim left an amazing legacy. To process her fight against cancer, she kept this blog: http://myleftone.blogspot.com/2008/08/diagnosis.html . In it, she expressed herself in quirky, intelligent, thoughtful, emotional ways. Her visitation and funeral were packed. She left behind a family that loved her, friends who adored her, a job where she will be missed, and countless memories from everyone whose paths crossed with hers.

Some things about Kim: She was grumpy in the mornings. She wasn't touchy feely. She liked hippos. She was an amazing writer. She loved her job and co-workers at PTs Grille in Wilmington. She was a Pirate at ECU. She lived. She loved. She made a difference in this world by being here and being herself.

Kim's life and death have caused me to think about how I want to live my life. How I want to remain optimistic even in the midst of difficulty. How I want to become healthier and hopefully live a long life with the people I love. How I want to connect to others and develop relationships built on respect, kindness and hope because those connections can go a long way to making our world a more loving, peaceful place.

Her funeral service was so touching. But it still just felt...wrong. Wrong that there we were, at her funeral. But it was personal and full of love. I pray that her family and friends are surrounded by love and support and over time...feel peace.

Kim's Aunt Myra wrote this today:
"We often think one person can't make a difference. Kim, you showed us that we can, one person at a time, change the world around us. Anyone who took the time to look around at the over 400 people who showed up last night or at the overflow crowd at the church today would have seen your legacy - the love you created. I know you would want us to keep the love alive. Love one another, commit random acts of kindness, be true to who we are, a child of God here for one purpose - to make the world a better place. Any less would dishonor you and the God who created us. 'Til we meet again."

Here are a few other tributes from her family and friends:

I can hear her now..."This cloud there, that cloud here." "This color is not me." "Hey BIG GUY, here is the list of things I'm gonna need." "Is it me or are these wings itchy?" You wanted her, you got her! And you are lucky... -Joseph Pate

Dearest Kim, I will never forget you. When I think of you I can't help but laugh and cry at the same time, so many happy memories...sitting on the bus together riding to and from school every day until we finally got our cards. Seventh grade when you and Sandy Pham came over to my house and we made those cardboard people for Ms. Russell's class. And even though now everyone knows you as the biggest beach bum ever, I remember back in the day when you hated the beach so much and I couldn't ever convince you to come with me because you hated the sang getting in your shoes. Thanks for sharing your home and your bed with me all those times when we were younger and my parents were out of town...you are the best! Andeven though you have moved out of the body you borrowed for a few years, I know you're still here with all those you love and who so adore you! -Julia Bland Segovia

I regret every missed opportunity to tell you how much you meant to me...how your friendship enriched my life. I love you. Always have. Always will. -Megan Bennett Irby

Thinking about you today. You were one of the most beautiful and absolutely the most energetic person I ever met. I will never forget your smile, your hugs, or our crazy ghetto weekend in g-ville. -Shelly Fransisco

Hey! Thanks for being at the beach tonight! Thank you for letting me know you were there with that push of the wave. It was good to see your smile light up the sky. It's still so hard to think you aren't here anymore. But feeling you there helped. I love you Kim. -Stacy Sibbach


Below are a few pictures of Kim. Look through them. Say a pray for her family. Remember her legacy of love.

Click on people's faces in the photo to tag them.

Kim and her mom Vicki

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Sisterly love, Stacy and Kim


Cap and gown from East Carolina University. Go pirates!


Sassy glasses!


Awesomeness


On the beach, like she loved to be.


With her best friend

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Family Photo: Stacy, Daryl, Vicki and Kim

Beauty

First World Problems

One of the events that takes up part of my life is a bi-monthly small group called a "Chalice Circle." At this group, we discuss various topics that are personal and increase in depth each week. Most of the time the group has discussed events from our pasts. However, at our most recent meeting we discussed "What is going on currently in your life? What's exciting you? What's worrying you? What are the most important things taking up your time and energy?"

I vastly appreciated the opportunity to discuss this topic. We shared, listened, and learned more about one another. Eventually, our topic evolved into discussions about transitions. Various members of the group are facing significant transitions. I specify "significant" because in an ethereal sense, life is in continuous transition. Some changes had to do with vocations and trying to seek the "what's next" with increased fervor and excitement. At one point in the discussion, a member of the group remarked, "These are very 'first world' problems." Meaning, that in our group and in our culture, we have the luxury to explore higher callings because our basic needs are most often taken care of. I'm potently aware that not everyone in this country and culture could say that they have their needs met, but it seems to be true within my small group. All the more reason that I feel like I need to snip out my complaining and embrace what I have. Realizing as much helped me gain a bit of perspective that even on my difficult days, I am still living a life that is remarkably fulfilling.

As a child and youth, I had this incredible sense of hopefulness, optimism, and joy. I fully believed that I would fly off and change the world someday! As an adult, I've been jaded by greed, hatefulness and the like. And yet, I still believe I'll make a difference, even if on a smaller scale than I once imagined. It's helpful for me to remember my rosy glasses of youth though. To write about it, talk about it, and otherwise share it with others. Because, as with my previous faith group, that bubbly idealist still lives within me. And she wants to thrive and live and shine!

So I've gained perspective, increased my gratitude, and wanted to share with others the value of having "first world problems."

Ponderings of a Sunday Morning

I'm a member of a UU congregation called the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Wilmington. I have had the privilege of being a part of two UU churches since becoming a part of this faith, and each one has brought so much to my life. I wanted to take a moment today and write a short entry reflecting upon this morning's worship experience.

I arrived prior to the service and was greeted with love and hugs. Next week, I'll be doing one of the two homilies in the services, and my fellow homily-speaker and I had a hilarious conversation assuring the other that "I'm not done either." Two eager children handed me my order of service, the little girl explaining with a smile that her bright yellow glitter necklace was actually sunshine. During the worship service I sat between one of my closest friends and two middle schoolers who I adore. I gave and received many hugs prior to the service.

I lit a candle of love and hope, prayed and meditated in community, and heard a sermon that made me thoughtful. But what I love the most about my congregation is the endearing manner in which they have settled into my heart. I feel loved. Many of the people in the church have already shown me that they will care for me in difficult times and double my joys by sharing them. I bring all of who I am into this church: doubting, seeking, loving, giggling, weeping, cherishing...it's all there. And it all has a place. I am so honored to be a part of this church and this faith. And today especially, on this beautiful Spring day, I feel hope and renewal. I also feel gratitude for all those who were Unitarians, Universalists, and Unitarian Universalists who came before me to pave the way of our faith and make it possible for me to be a part of this free religious community.

So onward I go, in gratitude, love, and hope. Amen. Blessed be.

Pondering on Sin and a Focus for the New Year

In my current theological frame of mind, I have some varying thoughts about sin. They have changed drastically over the course of my theological evolution. I used to believe wholeheartedly and fearfully in the concept of original sin as posed by a literal reading of the Bible. Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, disobedience by eating the forbidden fruit...BAM...sin. And so on forever since.

But that no longer holds the potency for me it once did. In fact, here's my paragraph regarding sin from my most current Credo statement:

"I believe sin is what happens when we forget to care outside of ourselves and instead treat other people and life forms as lesser than us. I believe that all people are affected by their cultural locations. Where there is poverty, limited choices, hunger and other difficulties there can exist the possibility of repetitive cycles. I believe that it is in these cycles where sin can, and does, prominently exist. I believe the cycle of sin can be broken by the efforts of people and acts of loving kindness focused on equality and justice."

I was recently told that "relative thinking" ("you believe what you choose to believe, and I'll choose what I believe") is a powerful tool of Satan--but Almighty God is sovereign, omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent." Wow. I could not think and believe more differently. Because to me, relative thinking is an opportunity to think outside of oneself and truly hear and embrace another person's point of view. So, in order to make this next statement, I want to be clear that I am, indeed, fully embracing the notion of relative thinking.

Here's my pondering: Is it possible that sin is a relative term befitting the human potential to neglect the worth and dignity of others at any given point in history? Therefore, is sin something that changes throughout the course of history rather than being a set disposition predetermined long ago by people from a holy book that I don't believe is factually true? In such a possibility, I can imagine sin manifesting itself in many different ways in history...through genocide, rape, murder, forced acquiescence to a particular religion/political view, closed-mindedness, hate. This is what religion has the potential to, and in my view, the responsibility to stand up against.

But there are such varying ways to consider approaching this. One thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of another is the hope that every kindness, every moment of love, peace, compassion and understanding, will make a difference. Thich Nhat Hanh writes, "The energy of mindfulness is a real energy, and wherever energy is applied, there is change." I believe in this energy, and I'm exploring new modes of prayer from this. In this coming year, I want to intentionally practice focusing on the energies of love, peace, compassion and understanding. And I want to work in small and large ways to increase their prevalence in this hurting world.

One more thing. I don't refer to the Bible as a historically accurate text, but that does not mean that I don't find value in it. Many people might refer to me as a "buffet style" religious person. At one point in my life, this was one of the singular most negative things I could be. But now, I'm seeing it as an accurate portrayal of who I am. I accept the fact that it's not a bad thing at all. It's just who I am. I do pick and choose among many different religions to piece together a singular whole that is right for me. A Seminary colleague said to me today, "God is the source of our diversity and is certainly big enough to embrace and accept that diversity, to reach us in whatever way will work for us."

And I absolutely do believe that the God of my understanding is right there with me in my search.

An Honor and a Privilege

Last week, the day before Thanksgiving, I started work early and didn't stop for lunch so that I could get off early and begin my Thanksgiving holiday early. Little did I know that the day would take a devastating and surprising turn. I was finishing up my charting in my car of the Harris Teeter parking lot waiting to get some last minute items for Thanksgiving, when I received a call.

The call was from the secretary from the church I grew up in. And although I am no longer a part of their church, denomination or even religion, I was called because there was a pastoral emergency and their church minister was out of town. A family that I have known for several years suffered a tragic loss. A child, not quite four months old, died suddenly. I went straight to the hospital and spent the next couple of hours with the family in the midst of raw, painful grief. As a Hospice Chaplain turned Hospital Chaplain turned Hospice Chaplain again, I've been around this type of situation before. But it was different being with people I had known for so long. More proof that my yearning to be a Parish Minister is the right choice for me.

Tomorrow, I'm assisting in the Funeral Service. I'm nervous, but honored. May the service begin a healing process for this family as they grieve for the unthinkable. Blessed be.

Good Fit Thus Far

Short note dropping in to say that Hospice has been a good fit so far. I have been healing from my previous hospice work, been getting to know my colleagues, and been doing caring work that connects me to people. I've really appreciated the practicality and openness of my boss, and HER boss. And I adore that I'm still in a ministerial role and get to discuss spiritual thoughts, pray, listen, and be with people. Soo grateful.

Unapologetically Myself...

...or at least trying to be.

When I was an über conservative Christian, I shared my faith all the time. I proudly wore cross jewelry showing off my faith before even saying a word. I lived my faith. Shared my faith. Was proud of it for the good news I believed it to be.

But now I have a different faith: Unitarian Universalism. And I believe it is also good news. News that some people really need to hear. News of a progressive, open, loving faith. A faith that doesn't think that people choose to be gay, but are born however they are born. A faith that promotes and is active in social justice. A faith that believes that multiple religious paths can combine into one personal spiritual journey.

One of the main differences between my current faith and my previous faith, is that my previous one was a mainline religion. People know of it, have their own beliefs regarding it, and probably their own stereotypes about it. But when people ask me about my faith now, there's this moment of "What did she just say? Unitar...Unit...what?" that crosses their faces and is often expressed in their words. So I, like many other Unitarian Universalists, have my "elevator speech" handy explaining my faith.

A part that hurts my heart is that my faith is treated poorly by many; disrespectfully and with scorn. And it's looked down upon, especially by those who are confused because I once knew the "Truth" (capital "T") as they believe it. But more than that, I sometimes feel guilty being UU because it is deeply embedded in me that Christianity and Jesus as the Christ is the only way. But I don't believe that. And feeling this guilt makes it hard to share my faith. However, I have witnessed some incredible Unitarian Universalists...colleagues, peers and mentors...who are so incredibly proud of our faith and who share it unapologetically. They are my role models and inspiration.

In the past month, I had a conversation with a woman I went to seminary with. V and I were talking about an everyday something at first, but ended up talking about our current geographical locations. I live in the Bible belt and she lives in Texas. And in each of these locations, we are not a part of the religious majority and find it difficult at times, especially because she chooses not to attend any religious body of worship. And then she said something that warmed my heart and choked me up. I'm paraphrasing, but she said that the way I talk about Unitarian Universalism made her want to try the local UU Congregation where she lives; that who I am as a religious person is the kind of faith person she would want to be.

It's become a goal for me to "be me" and embrace all of who I am in the various arenas of my life. For the most part, who I am on Facebook is the me I try to be. Granted, I feel safer and more open sharing my faith, political, and social views from behind my keyboard. But it's a jumping off point to become braver and more comfortable elsewhere. And I'm working on it. This blog is just another step at embracing myself for who I am, what I believe, and how I want to live my life.

So thank you for reading as I make one more effort to become unapologetically myself.