Process and Artistic Risks

I feel as though much of what I want to type will essentially be a tutorial in my favorite aspects of The Artist's Way. There's good reason for this. This book and, more specifically, the group of people I'm in the group with, have helped salvage my artistic self. The book is written for those who are interested in moving past an artistic block. Well, I didn't actually join the group for that. I joined it because, since the age of 7, I have donned the role and label of "Artist." I wore it proudly. It wasn't until this group that I actually realized how ferociously blocked I was. It had been years since I had created art with any regularity. And working outside of my dominant medium? Forget it! I had no time to play or experiment, because I barely made time to do anything at all. I would get commissioned for artwork every now and again, but I would approach the task with resistance and drudgery. No play. No silliness. Nothing of all of what art should be. Of what it had been for me. Deadlines for people began to fall through, because I would not be willing or even able to complete the work I had started. This left me feeling no end of guilt and shame.

But there were these moments...moments of doodling and sketching; or moments of photo taking where I could feel it. The bubbling inside of me of something wanting to be free. My authentic artist self has been dormant for a while, but she was always there, ready to be unleashed! Ready to see the world from interesting angles. Ready to capture shadow and light, shape and texture.

So there I was, this unknowingly blocked artist entering a group that would shake up my world and challenge me in surprising and welcome ways. So that's why I'm preparing a small tutorial of this life-altering book.

The essentials of the Artist's Way Week are thus:

Morning Pages-writing daily. I have a notebook for the words I do not share in here. Even if the words are "I have no idea what to write, I feel blank" you just write, write, write for three page daily.

Artist's Date- Taking your inner artist on a private date weekly. Photo walks have been my favorite. But I've also gone to a coffee shop and listened to my ipod while drawing whatever images came into my mind. Other people have gone to museums or art shows. The list is endless really. It's meant to be something that feeds your inner artist. (Side note: My inner artist is a vision of myself around 10 years old with tons of energy and bouncing curls usually squealing "Let's do it!!" to the artistic endeavors I imagine). Eventually, you are encouraged to take "mini-dates" and more risks in your Artist Dates.

Tasks- Usually, there are about ten in a week. The author encourages the completion of about half, suggesting that you try both the ones that appeal to you, and the ones you immediately shy away from. An example: Imagine five "alternate lives" for yourself. 1) Children's book author. 2) Street Painter in Europe. 3) Professor at a college. 4) Artist. 5) Jewelry-maker. You're encouraged to describe them in as much detail as you'd like, taking care to elaborate on one more than the others. THEN, a second task may be to do something that would be reminiscent of one of the lives. Maybe you take your easel and some paints and paint in a park near your house to represent #2. It's quite incredible what can come of these moments.

Synchronicity- This doesn't come up for the first few weeks of the class, but it has been a huge part of my experience, so I thought I'd include it here. I think this is best understood through an example: A woman has always wanted to take an acting class. Always, always. But through excuses or embarassment, she never has. Then, the day she's thinking about it again, she happens to start a conversation with her with a person in the grocery store...who happens to teach beginning actor's classes. They exchange cards. Bada-boom. Synchronicty. It's more meaningful and impressive than coincidence. My most recent experience with it, I'll share with you after I explain the final part of an Artist's Way Week (that'll I'll include here). What I have found to be the "keys" to syncrhonicity is two-fold. One, being open to it. Two, being aware of it. Not a week goes by where one of my fellow group members doesn't have an ephiphany through our group discussions because he/she just hasn't paid attention to their synchronocity.

Weekly Gathering- if you choose to do this process with a group, rather than alone, then you meet weekly and share your experiences with the mornings pages, tasks, artist's date, and syncrhonicity. These gatherings have been the soul of the process for me. I have loved them, and the people in them.

And now onto my Artist's Date and the risk taing for this week. Last night, I attended a local art show downtown. One of my co-conspirators in the Artist's Way is a children's book author whose books and art were on display. She introduced me to several of the women standing around her when I approached her for a sqwunchy hug. One of the ladies turned out to be the museum coordinator. Since my friend introduced me as "my artist friend!" the curator asked to have my information. I shared it with her! Her parting words were, "I'll call or email you and maybe we can meet for me to see your portfoilio." !!! This is a HUGE step and feels like an enormous risk. My adult self feels partially paralized, but my inner artist child (the squealing one) is the voice and the excited emotional tide that I'm choosing to focus on. The synchronicity is that I keep thinking how much I would like to get my art out into the community. I've been halfway imagining ways to try this, but had never pushed myself into action.

Now...I have to make a portfiolio (smile), something I actually haven't done much of before. It's so exciting. And even if nothing in particular comes from it- although I vehemently hope that's not the case -at least I can say I tried. And try I will. With heart, soul, creativity, and playfulness, I will face this new venture and risk head on, knowing that as I do, I continue to release my authentic artist self.

Image of Balance

In her book, The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron suggests a way to imagine the balance (or lack, thereof) in your life. She says to draw a circle. And then divide the circle into 6 pie pieces that you label: friends, romance/adventure, work, spirituality, exercise and play. With me so far? Ok. Next you'll want to draw a dot in each space. This dot is very representational because it signifies how satisfied you are with that area of your life. The closer the the center of the circle that you draw it, the less satisfied you are with it. The closer to the outside edge of the circle you place the dot, the more satisfied you are.

Now, you connect the dots from one section to the next. You should have something that looks like the outline of a spider web. It looks more like a circle if you are more balanced in your life. Hopefully soon, I'll find a way to create this on my computer, and I'll post the picture. I have found this very helpful. I've been making about one a month for the past few months, and it's been helpful for reevaluating those sections of my life I'm not taking care of as well.

So today I just wanted to share this helpful tool! Happy Friday!

Short Term

Today's short term artistic goal is two-fold. The first part is to play with my new soft pastels! So far, I've only created a couple of pieces with them. One, a bouquet of flowers that I had on my dining room table at the time. The second, an abstract palate of color much out of ordinary color schemes. Oh, mini-personal challenges, how you stretch me artistically... :)

The second, is to take some time to intentionally visualize a couple of illusive imaginings that are rolling around in my head somewhere. I have found that when I give myself over to those imaginings more fully, then the creation process is less frustrating because I have an idea of where I'd like it to go. That's not to say that the process doesn't evolve, because it most certainly does. And it's always interesting to see what pieces arise that I didn't anticipate. But having an idea, gives me a point to reach toward and feel much more intentional and aware.

It's all rather interesting and exciting. I think it will also help to imagine people for whom pieces of artwork may be intended. Whether that be people I actually know, or people like Jane Austen who inspire me. There's something interesting! What would I create for Jane Austen, should I be able to provide her a piece of artwork.

Hmmm...more will be thought on that. Happy Thursday!

A Chapter Closing?

Tonight was the second to last meeting of a group I've been attending called "The Artist's Way." It has helped me to see how truly blocked I have been artistically. I am challenging myself to continue looking at the world through my silly and creative artist's eye. And I want to take ever more risks in sharing my art with those I love and to people in various other communities.

I was just excited about this determination that I wanted to share it!

So while one chapter may be closing with the ending of my group, I am anticipating the opening of several volumes in my life. How exciting!

Namaste.

Repetition

Lately, I've felt like a child in ways due to repetition. I was that child who wanted the same book read to her over and over again. (Three Billy Goat's Gruff) As far as I've been made aware, this is something one should grow out of in their adulthood. So why have I not, I wonder? Currently, I'm rereading a series of books for the third time in less than a year. I've been listening to the same CD for weeks. I wonder if it's a pattern within myself. When I'm afraid to expand or grow, I stick with the familiar, even when the familiar does not entirely hold the same promise it once did. I settle. Even though I do not feel fulfilled where I am, I still find it holding a sense of safety, rather than stepping out into the unknown. While they may certainly be true, it's boring and compromising in a negative way! Blech.

I've done this settling repetition with jobs too. And I do it with music and books. I like the comfort of it. But, at the same time, I'm itching to challenge myself and expand who I am and what I think about myself, the world, and my place in it.

I reconnected with a professor of mine this weekend. I think, after I re-finish the current series I'm reading (I'm OCD enough that I cannot stop a series part of the way through), I shall read her latest book. It's called Though the Fig Tree Does Not Blossom. It's about a theology of hope. This professor is someone who I massively respect and enjoy. Her classes and perspectives are very interesting. So I think that's a good place to start. I was about to begin mentally planning other reading adventures to follow this one, because I'm all about lists. However, I think I'll just chill out for a bit, focus on this one book, and then see if it inspires another book or genre afterwards. See...practical and possible ;-)

Peace out!

Inspiration

Inspired by my husband to blog, I decided to jump back on here with a concoction of thoughts all rolling around in my head.

First, I'm grateful for my relationship with Dan. He is someone I value and appreciate. I'm also grateful for my parents and find that I don't think about them as often as I "should" because remembering how far we live from them aches. I do think that we're going to end up back in North Carolina at some point, but I do wish, in many ways, that the people in Wilmington would stop wishing us home. That sounds pouty. I think why I feel that way has to do with the worry that people will expect us to be more like our North Carolina Selves. Dan and I have spent the majority of our marriage and entire relationship in California. We are socially, spiritually, and politically progressive and liberal. We're going to be taking Wilmington on with new hopes and experiences. I'm planning on getting involved with the UU Church there, and finding out about local Rainbow Alliances or GLBT Organizations. It's going to be a much different experience than when I was growing up in Wilm.

But all of this is a moot point anyway for a moment, because neither Dan nor I can finds jobs that will enable us to move. And now, people in our church here in Ventura know about the slight possibility of us moving. I actually don't quite understand the extreme reaction we've been getting . Maybe extreme isn't the right word. But more people seem disproportionately sad about it than seems justiable for the short amount of time that we've lived in this community. I think we make more of an impression as a couple that I'm aware of or comfortable with. I'm curious both about why this is so and why it makes me feel less than comfortable. I think part of the comfort is about the ties to the community. The idea of moving across the country seems less painful if we don't have that many to say goodbye to. When we moved from Mount Holly, NC, we were essentially devoid of community, so leaving lacked the emotional ties that I'm afraid of breaking here.

Oh, funny story. Well, it begins with sweetness and awesomeness, so I'll start there. I went to San Diego this weekend for the first time since moving to California in 2005. Frankly, I don't know why it took me so long, but it did. Went to the zoo. Strolled around Balboa Park. Really liked the city. The reason I went was because another of my friends was getting ordained. That's the true instigator of needing to blog again. Ordination of friends always makes me wonder about ordination for myself. Forces me to think or it, more like. The service was a UU Service, which made it that much more touching. There was no part of the service that I felt inauthentic about or felt that I too couldn't appreciate for myself. The choir even sang "Seasons of Love" from RENT! I loved it. So that's what took me to San Diego.

So from that, I arrive back in Ventura just shy of midnight on Sunday. And I wake up in an extremely introspection kind of place. And I just happen to have a message from an old college friend on facebook saying he'd love to hear how Dan and I are doing, and how jealous he is that we live in CA. Well, his timing is the funny thing. Because I wrote him back...and wrote...and WROTE. Poor guy. Didn't know to expect such an outpouring. Hope I didn't scare him. I think part of it is, that I mentally equate him with a friend of mine from CA, who would take my verbosity in stride. But this other guy is out of practice with my intense wordiness, so I'm hoping he's not still drowning in it.

So that's my funny story. Hopefully, I'll be typing more often in the uncoming days, weeks, and months. This feels like a really healthy outlet for me, especially when I actually allow it to be more of a stream of consciousness, rather than something that needs to be edited because it's public. I have my own private pages for REAL spewing of the emotional kind. But hopefully I can continue to do more of that on here because it just feels...right.

Peace.

It was a good weekend

Dan's word struck me just now. It was, indeed, a fantastic weekend. We went to Claremont and spent time with very important friends in one of the most formative places we have ever lived. I'll speak for myself and not for "us" as tends to happen in relationships. I had an amazing time. When I arrived in Claremont I felt this overwhelming sense of being home. Seriously, it took my breath away and sent waves of emotions through me on several occasions. I think about when we'll be moving to Wilmington and it makes me think about the next stage of loss from Claremont. Already, I feel separate from this world that was my home for so many years. My feelings on getting to Claremont and being around my CST friends was kin to the emotional attachment I have to my hometown and my family of origin. I can give no higher connectional praise than that. I was actually surprised at the intensity of my feelings. Oxnard just does not feel like home. I have a job here. I have a church here. I have one friend here worth mentioning. And...that's it. It seems like many of the pieces are there. But it just doesn't fit. And frankly, I don't much want to take the time and energy to force it to fit.

So I'm thinking about transition. I'm thinking about loss and grief. I'm thinking about moving to Wilmington and moving further away from Claremont and all it's beautiful, inspiring people. It's time. Claremont is a community in transition. Moving back there would only have temporary results, for in a few years, the community I love so dearly, would continue to disperse. That's the nature of educational communities I think. They are in flux. They change. That is their constant. I used to think I would love being a teacher because it wouldn't be boring. Students would change. But now, I like stability. I like routine. I like the constancy of my relationship with Dan, and the deepening relatinship with my family.

I'm also thinking about the CPE Residency application I need to work on. I have been avoiding it to a large degree. I think it's because I have freaked myself out because there is so much riding on me getting this residency program. It would give me a job for a year so we could move to Wilmington. It would help me grow and embrace my chaplain identity even further. It means we could be near family; that I could get to know my parents more and we could become closer. It means I could help take care of my grandmother as her health continues to decline. It means Dan can become closer to his parents. It means that we could become parents in the next few years. This job, because there are no others readily available at the moment, could mean the difference between moving back to NC now or staying in CA reluctantly beyond our heart love for it.

Tomorrow I'll try to post the Pro/Con list we made for moving and staying. It was telling. And it represented what we have been feeling.

But at the same time, I'm worried. I'm worried about leaving behind the progressive culture I fit really well into. I'm worried about finding my identity as a Chaplain in a distinctly more conservative theological climate. I'm worried that I will be expected to go to the church of my upbringing, because I won't be attending it on a regular basis. For special events and occasions, I can definitely see going. But it will not be what theologically nourishes an challenges the person I have become. I had a very important dream. I have been thinking about all the good things about moving back, I had a dream reminding me of some of the frustrating relational things that are likely to happen. And it reminded me that there are ups and downs to all situations. While it will be a better long-term decision to move back...I will miss California. I don't want ot lose who I've become. I just want to learn more how to evolve like I have been in a new (older) situation.