Hysterectomy Feelings

THE NEWS This coming week is a big one. On Wednesday, I'll be having a full hysterectomy. That wasn't the original plan. Originally, I was going ot have surgery to take off an ovarian cyst almost 11cm large. When women have vaginal births, they get to 10cm dilation. THe cyst inside me is basically the size of a newborn infant's head. With a forgein body that ridiculous in size, I've been experiencing increasing bouts of pain and nausea. When my doctor broached the subject of a full hesterectomy as a change to the surgery plan, I think she was a bit nervous at first. I'm only 37 after all. I felt like I could see the worry drain from my doctor's face whein I answered her questions about our family by letting her know we felt complete with one child. Moments later, when she brought up the full hysterectomy, I had to wrap my mind around it; not because it was a new idea, but because I had met resistence months earlier when asking about it. In a previous couple of visits, I was told that it would be ideal to save my right ovary. Keeping it would mean my body could naturally produce hormones which would lead to multiple health benefits. I accepted that reasoning. So what changed? The current cyst has basically taken over my right ovary leaving very little, if any ovarian tissue, left. In August 2013, I had a surgery to drain multiple cysts from on and inside my left ovary. Unfortunately, they came back with a vengeance leading to a second surgery in May 2014 where my left ovary and fallopian tube were taken out. My health history would seem to imply that if we just took this monstrosity out now, that there would likely be further surgeries in the future. When would it end? So instead, we're taking the steps to take out all the remaining reproductive organs. THE REACTIONS Part of how I process things is aloud and with other people. Because I'm pretty intentional with my facebook friends and privacy settings, I shared on that platform about what was happening. I was hoping to receive some love and support as I face my first surgeyr in many years. My hopes were beyond met as I receives comments, texts, and private messages from people. Those who have been aware of all that I've been experiencing were so glad for me that a surgery to alleviate the pain and nausea. And. I could help by notice a persistent response from several people that seemed alarmed and extremely worried because of the type of surgery. "A full hysterectomy?" many people have asked, alarmed. "Are you okay?! How do you feel about that!?" The consistency of such comments had me wondering if I was missing something. Was I overlooking something heinous or tragic because I was having a hysterectomy. After talking to some people, most notably Dan, we came to some presumptive conclusions. We imagined that there is a connection with femininity and womanhood tied to these particular organs. They are, after all, the ones that allow for biological reproduction. So could some people be anxious for me that I was losing something they associated with part of my gender identity? Perhaps. But, as Dan pointed out, because he and I are loving, supportive, and respectiful of transgender personhood, we don't tie these body parts to gender as much. I am a woman because my heart and mind are female. And that will not be any less the case after Wedneday. And I'm gratful for that. CONTINUED PROCESSING Later on this past week, I had another conversation with two friends. They are friends I share many soulful conversations and rituals with. One of them asked if I wanted to do a ritual after my surgery. I thought about it and at first, I'll admit, I was extremely resistent. As I thought more about why, I realize I've come to feel deep anger toward these parts of my body. They have been causing me pain and nausea in increasingly awful amounts for the last several months. I once had a psychology professor who explained that something was a problem based on how much it interfered in your life. By those standards, the cyst and its subsequent symptoms have been an enormous problem. When I lie down in Emma's bed to help her go to sleep, I can't lie on my right side because of the pain. If I roll over onto that side in the middle of the night, I wake up in agony. I've occasionally had to pull over while driving becauase a sharp pain becomes so insistent, that I don't feel safe on the road. And most recently, the tenderness in my back has been such that even the pressure os sitting back on a cushioned couch or chair becomes too much after a while. And the entire process of day-to-day movement makes me so exhausted, both physically and emotionally. So yes, I've been extremely angry. But saying it aloud to my friends caused me to pause. I don't want to approach my surgery with angry. I'd rather face it with hopefully and attempts at calming my anxiety. GRATITUDE Recently, we traded in my very small Mitsubishi Mirage (The Blueberry) for an SUV (Hazel). In the time leading up to getting Hazel, Emma was struggling with the idea. She's in the phase where things in her life have "aaaallllways" been and she doesn't want to let anything go. So as a way to help her process it, on the way to her daycare one day I suggested we thank The Blueberry for all that it had done for us. We went back and forth for a while and it was amazing. We thanked The Blueberry for being the first care Emma ever rode in as we drove home from the hospital. We thanked it for taking us to school and on errands. I thanked it for taking me to patients' homes and nursing homes. Emma thanked it for driving us to the "place where we paint pottery" and "to the grocery store." She literally brought tears to my eye by enthusiastically exclaiming, "Thank you for taking me to all the people I love!" By the time we did the trade in, I was filled with such gratitude. I was ready for the change. I was, and am, so thankful for the years we had The Blueberry. She served our little family well while we had her. And the phase in my life where she best fit had come to a close. I have a similar feeling as I approach my surgery. These parts of my body that have been making me hurt and causing my anger are more than just these past few months. This right ovary helped me conceive Emma. My uteras made a home for her and nourished her in my body before I could hold her in my arms. They helped our family grow from two to three. I am grateful beyond words that Dan and I are both so settled in our triangle family. It is the right shape for us. These parts of my body made Emma's presence in our life possible. And, just as with The Blueberry, they no longer fit for us. And it's time for me to let go of them. I hope for a time in the near future when I'm not in as much pain. I hope that I will be able to play with Emma more and longer. I hope I will be able to run around, be silly, dance, stretch, and live life in a less limited way. I pray for the medical team, that they are well rested and have steady hands and clear minds as they perform this surgery. I pray that I find moments of calm despite the fact that Dan won't be able to enter the hospital with me. I pray that my recovery goes well. And I pray that my family and friends hear me when I tell them how much I love them and how thankful I am for them in my life. They have been showing such kindness, care, and compassion. And I am grateful.

Izzie

Today, Dan and I had to say goodbye to our beloved furbaby, Izzie. She was just over 11 years old. In the last week, she went from being her usual bossy, lap-stealing, dominating the other kitties self to a very subdued, lethargic, always in bed cat. It all happened so fast. Today, Dan took her to a vet right when they opened their doors. I arrived with Emma soon after. Two big issues were happening. 1) Her breathing was labored. and 2) She had a mass in her stomach region. They were much more concerned by her lungs. When they took an X-ray to check things out, things did not look right. They explained that her lungs should be showing up black on the screen, but they were almost entirely white. And they couldn't see her heart. They decided that they needed to send us to a vet that specialized in cat care.

So we ended up at a cat hospital. When we got there, they rushed Izzie back to have oxygen because her breathing was worse. My memories here become hazy because I was crying and trying to take in so much. But here's what I can recall. Where the other vet was worried about her lungs, this vet (the cat specialist) was worried about the lump. She said it felt like a breast tumor. She was worried that the fluid in her lungs was a build-up caused by metastasis from cancer from her breast into her lungs. They needed to sedate Izzie to get some of the fluid off so they could check it. While they did all this Dan, Emma, and I were in the small exam room. Tears kept coming. Emma was a sweet bright spot throughout, blissfully unaware of what was happening.

I don't have a phone right now so I needed to rely on Dan to communicate with family. My mom came up to the vet. She told some other family members what was happening. My brother, who has the biggest heart for kitties, came up right away too. While we waited, Dan and I told each other stories we were thinking about. About Izzie and our life with her. It felt so final. But my gut said this was what I needed to do. What we needed to do. My mom took Emma and Dan and I were able to talk, cry, and discuss things alone. Then, my poor brother Doug came into the exam room just as the doctor was coming back in to tell us the bad news. The fluid came back showing rapidly growing cancer cells. They were dividing so fast that they could see them doing it when they were looking at the fluid. After the fluid had been extracted, they also discovered a large mass in her lungs. Though sedated and a little more comfortable for the moment, treatment options didn't hold a good prognosis. We made our decision to euthanize her. It felt like the most loving and humane thing to do, but it was still so gut-wrenching. They brought her into the room again and I just broke down. She was calm, still sedated. She looked around slowly in a daze. They gave us time. All the time we needed to take. We pet her and loved on her. We told her how much we loved her. We thanked her for being our first baby; for letting us be her parents. We cried. And held each other. And held Izzie. She gave me a weak little head butt and I cried so hard, just like I am now writing about it. We scratched her chin and her ears and she jutted out her chin a bit and tilted her head. My mom, brother, and Emma came into the room. I wanted them to say their goodbyes. I know she didn't know what was going on and that broke my heart more. I wanted to talk to her, tell her, include her in the decision. When we were as ready as we could be, the doctor and an assistant came in. They laid Izzie on her side and we got right in her line of sight. I wanted us to be the last thing she saw. She was a part of our family and she let us love her. We were her parents. I can still picture Dan and me reflected in her eyes as she passed. We held her, pet her, and stayed with her until the end. So many tears shed as we said our goodbyes.

We decided we wanted to take her to my parents' house. That's the house where all the animals of my heart are buried and it only seemed right to place Izzie among them. My mom took Emma so I could drive a bit by myself. I drove slowly around some neighborhoods, looking at the dwindling Christmas lights and I thought about our girl. When I finally made it to my parents', Emma was napping in the living room with my dad and my mom was out back. It was starting to rain. The weather seemed like a perfect reflection of our feelings. My mom and I talked about where all our other babies are buried. We quickly decided which places wouldn't feel right for our sweet girl. But soon after, we picked a spot that feels just right. Though it was hard to tell today, it'll be right in the sun on a bright day. It's away from the other animals, which seemed perfect for her. And you can see it from the kitchen window, which I think I'll like very much.

My brother arrived and he got shovels out of the shed. I took the box with my baby in it and I cried when I saw that they had written "Izzie" with a little heart drawn beneath. I decided I needed to write more. So I wrote all her nicknames I could think of. To Dan and me she was Izzie, Isabelle, Miss Priss, Boo, and, when going nuts, Spazzy McGee. My mom called her Izzie Lu. My dad, Izzie Woo. I wrote her a note too, thanking her for being our baby girl and for making us parents. When all the notes were written, my brother and I dug together, alternating spades in the dirt, making a soft pile in the rain. My mom and dad looked on. When we got the depth we wanted, we placed my baby in the space. Then my dad and I covered her up. Afterward, my brother smoothed out the dirt and my mom placed a metal snail garden ornament to mark the grave "until we can find something else." Through all of it, I was struck with a deep sense of gratitude for my family. No one hesitated to help or show us love. They love us, they love cats, and they loved Izzie. My brother is a stoic figure with a deep and loving heart. My mom and dad are such loving and dependable people. And so many others have been sharing their love and sorrow.

When I got home later I took a nap, exhausted from the emotions and grief. Then Dan and I spent a good portion of the evening making a list of memories of Izzie and finding pictures of her on Facebook. In no certain order, here are some of our memories of her:

1) Dan and I got married in June of 2004. In the early months of 2007, we decided we were finally going to get a cat. Dan had had a dog for a short period in his childhood, but he had never had a cat and wasn't sure how it would be. But I really wanted a pet and he, being kind as he is, agreed to try a kitty. We adopted Izzie from a "Friends of Felines" group in California. We were living in our Claremont apartment at the time and pets weren't allowed. But...yeah, we broke the rules. When we went to the Petco to look for a cat during one of their adoption events I told the woman helping us that I wanted a snuggler. She took us to see three different cats. To this day, I can't explain the nonsensical way the space was set up. They had a pen blocked off with a dozen or more dogs in it. They were barking and making a huge racket. And around the edge, they had the cages with cats...mostly totally freaked out because of the noise. I tried to hold a couple cats, but they were having none of it. Too scary! Then we got to the third cat, named "Goldilocks." First thought, "Yeah, the name's gotta go." I picked up this adult orange and white cat and she sat content in my arms. She looked up at the bright ceiling, looked around the store at all the colors and shapes, and eventually she looked at the dogs at our feet. The look of annoyance told me she would have shushed them if she could have. Yep, this was the one. This was going to be the kitty that came home with us.

2) Being the Jane Austen fan that I am, I had always imagined having two cats and naming them Elizabeth Bennet and Fitzwilliam Darcy and calling them Fitz and Lizzie. So she was going to be Elizabeth, nicknamed Lizzie. But try as I did to say "Liiiizie" with an L, "Izzie" kept coming out instead. So she became Isabelle, Izzie for short.

3) A few months after we got Izzie, we moved into a townhouse with another couple because California is expensive! To this day, that's the only two story place we've ever lived. There was an actual cat walk in that town home and she used to pace it. We were in school, so there were many nights when one or the other of us would be downstairs finishing a paper and the other was upstairs in bed. And she would howl and walk and yowl and pace because we weren't together.

4) Her favorite place was always between us. If Dan was in the kitchen and I was in the living room, she'd be in the dining room in between. If we were on the couch on either end, then she'd be on the couch between us or in Dan's lap, which was her favorite seat in the house.

5) Also in the townhouse, the stairs started in one direction then curved around. In the spot where they changed directions, the afternoon light would hit and we would almost always find Izzie there, snow white stomach fur blindingly white in the sun.

6) It became clear pretty quickly that although Izzie was a people lover, that she was not willing to share her space well with other animals. There are so many dogs, cats, and other animals who experienced her hiss or her claws. The one weird exception was our roommate's guinea pig. Callie was small and afraid of people and animals alike. But for some reason she loved Izzie! She used to "popcorn" with excitement when she got near. But for SOME reason, this was the only animal Izzie was spooked by! Callie would popcorn and Izzie would jump and back away.

7) We had a harness and leash for Izzie for travel. But one day soon after we got her we decided to put it on her and take her outside for fresh air and a chance to explore the grass. With every step she took she would lift her front paws and shake them like she was trying to get the dirt off. We didn't keep her out long, but when we took her back inside she frantically bathed herself and then took a three hour nap to recover from the "traumatic" experience. She may have been found outside, but she was strictly an indoor cat from that point forward.

8) Our roommates were another married couple and she took a special liking to the husband. We used to joke that Dane was her boyfriend. She showed him special treatment. He's the only person EVER she let rub her belly. And he used to hold her underneath so she was horizontal to the floor and move her around. "Super Kitty" times were so fun!

9) Izzie has flown in more airplanes than my mom. Because our winter breaks from school were so long, we decided we wanted to take her with us. We researched and learned that animals small enough to fit under the seat in front of you on a plane were considered one of your carry-on items. So we got a soft sided carrier and, per a vet's recommendation, some benadryl to relax her for the flight. We waited until we were at the airport to try to give her the medicine. Bad. Idea. I had scars on my arms for quite a while after her frantic escape attempts. And I could have punched the lady who in a sugary voice said, "Come here kitty, I'll save you from your mean parents!" Because we couldn't get the Benadryl in her, we had to hope for the best with her first flight. She yowled loudly (but not so loudly over the noise of the plane) until she fell asleep. And she snoozed almost the entire trip afterward. We did have to change the pad in her carrier that first time because she had an accident. But after that first time, she just slept whenever we traveled with her again.

10) Until we got Molly and Sybil, Izzie was a prissy little princess and would only drink out of glasses on tables. We went with it and for 7 years, we dedicated a cup or glass for her on a side table! But! She also loved drinking out of the tub after we had our showers. And she wasn't above drinking out of the toilet if she deemed her water dish too low.

11) We coined the term "toe loving" with her. The scene would go as follows.

Human: Foot placed on floor.
Izzie: Alert to foot nearby.
Human: Begin to wiggle toes.
Izzie: Scamper frantically toward moving foot digits and place side of face/nose/ears all over them.
Result: "Toe loving."
End scene.

This was a sure way to appease a "starving" Izzie and show her affection. There were times when she would have our toes alarmingly deep in her ears but she seemed to love it!

12) We got a space heater for our bathroom years ago and I don't think she thought a better invention had ever been made.

13) Except maybe her electric pad. When we lived in Oxnard, CA we didn't have heating or air conditioning. When we went home for Christmas that year, we bought her the heated pad that would only heat up while she laid on it. We wanted her to have some place warm because Dan's lap would be traveling across the country. It became one of her favorite places. Just now I looked over to the cat tree because the pad is draped in the bottom most cat bed and my heart stopped because I thought for a moment that I saw her there.

14) When we were flying with Izzie, we would let her out of her carrier during layovers. She didn't much like the noise, as you can expect, so I remember one time where I put Dan's coat on our suitcase and she laid on it. Then I placed my coat on top of her, and she stayed covered in her safe little cocoon until we were ready to leave.

15) Also at an airport once, a little girl started slowly walking over to us. Her dad said, "Do you mind if she looks at your kitty because she's never seen a cat before?" I have always remembered that Izzie was the first cat that little girl ever saw.

16) She once bitch-slapped our friend Paula. I think Paula was talking smack and Izzie wasn't having it. I don't remember being in the room, but I do remember our friend yelping and then informing us, "Izzie just bitch-slapped me!" She never lived that moment down.

17) Our friend Sinnamon used to help us cut Izzie's toenails. She would coo at her and laugh when Izzie dramatically acted like she was being tortured.

18) Whenever my mom comes over to our house, she brings our kitties treats. Molly and Sybil fight over them. But Izzie would look at the treat and then look accusingly at my mom like she was trying to poison her.

19) My dad said today, "I'm going to miss her. She was always the one that greeted me whenever I came to your house."

20) She was all orange and white, except for this one gray patch of fur on her left flank. When we first adopted her, I tried several times to wash the spot, worried she had gotten into something. Today I looked at that spot one last time thinking about how it was her special little birthmark.

21) She took amazing photos. Her markings, the color of her eyes, her whole demeanor just made for some breathtaking photos. I'm so glad we took so many because they're going to be very special to us now for our memories.

22) She begrudgingly became a big sister to Molly and Sybil, eventually tolerating their presence and showing them the ropes. I think it's because of her that they come running to the front door to greet us when we come home because that's what Izzie always did. We joked that there were times she was more of a dog than a cat.

23) She would come when I whistled. She would even jump up on the couch if I whistled a certain way.

24) When we were moving from CA to NC, we had Izzie's cat carrier in the backseat of the car we were driving. We thought that we could put her in the carrier and she could just ride there until we got her out for stops along the way. Well...she howled and she yelled and she meowed until finally my riding companion/mother-in-law and I decided to open the carrier. She got out, walked all around the inside of the car, looked out all the windows, and then went back to her carrier and slept. For the remainder of the trip she was absolutely FINE as long as we kept the carrier door open. She stayed comfortable nestled inside sleeping most of the time. What a cat! As long as she had the OPTION to get out, she never used it.

25) On that same trip we stopped in Texas on the way back. Whenever we let her go to the bathroom outside we would also let her walk around for a bit and stretch her legs. But she decided that Texas was too hot. She walked herself back over to the car and pawed at the door until we let her back in. It was like she was saying, "This place is too damn hot even for me! Let's break out of here!"

26) And finally, one of my personal favorite stories. On our drive across country Dan drove our big truck pulling one of our cars. His mom and I took turns driving our other car, riding in the car, or riding with Dan. At one of the rest stops I decided to get back in the truck with Dan for the next leg of the ride. Dan's mom drove the car with Izzie, who seemed totally worried that I had been left behind. She jumped up in the back window of the car crying out and pawing at it because I wasn't with them! We used walkie-talkies on the drive and Dan's mom told us what was happening. My sweet girl was freaked out I had been left! We had to stop and let Izzie know I was okay before we could move on.

I know there are countless other memories that will come to me over time, but these are the ones we reminisced about today. I'm going to miss our sweet girl so much. And I am so thankful she was a part of our life. I've never had so many travels and adventures with one of my animals before. I'm so grateful we had them with her.

Izzie, it's not enough to say you'll be missed. But it's a start. I hope we can see you again some day. I'll wiggle my toes for you then. Love, Mom.

Juggling Life

This week, I'm just realizing a new level of juggling that's required to balance Emma, family, friends, work, etc. I was off work for ten blissful days and we traveled, visited family and friends, and had an all around wonderful time. But trying to catch up with work and seeing all my patients afterward has been tremendously difficult and stressful. I had a day where I completely hit the wall this week. I was so stressed that small things were close to sending me over the edge. It wasn't just one small thing. It was ALL the small things. The next day, however, it was like I was a step beyond being overwhelmed and stressed. It was all still there, but I think I hit a new level of coping with it. In some ways, I was eerily calm. Maybe I was just tired. But at least my heart wasn't racing as much.

Also, we have had things scheduled for every evening this week and it's been too much. For a while now, I have not been involved in any groups or activities in the evenings. I committed to leading a service at my church not that long ago and though the service went really well, it confirmed that time away in the evenings and weekends is not something I want to have right now. I want downtime, a chance to catch up with Dan, time with Emma playing, laughing, and fully observing our sweet little life. She is changing so much. And I want to be present for as much as possible.

This isn't really a long, involved post. I just wanted to take a moment to recommit to my decision to limit involvement in things other than family and some friendships right now. And it has never been easier to say "no." I hope this is a lesson I can take into the future.

Sweet Baby

I'm leaning the ways in which Emma is a pretty cool baby. I didn't have much of a reference for what would make a good baby, except I hoped she would sleep. So let's start there. Emma seems to like sleeping, which is awesome. I've learned that "sleeping through the night" is considered a five hour stretch overnight, which she has been consistently sleeping for a while now. SO that's amazing. But here are some other ways that she's a good baby for us:

1. Latching for breastfeeding has been a difficult thing for us. This is due to multiple factors including her shoulder dystocia from her "traumatic birth," the fact that she was whisked away to the NICU and we didn't get to start latching right away, and the multiple IV ports she had to have, especially in her head. All that to say, we have a rough start and Dan and I made the decision to switch her to a bottle right before she turned four weeks old. She took to it like a champ. I knew it made feeding her more manageable for us because before that we had been feeding her with a syringe and it comfortably took two people to do so. What I didn't realize is that many babies don't take the first bottle offered to them. In fact, in one of the mom groups I've attended a couple of times, I heard many stories about moms having to by ten or more bottles and nipples before they found one their baby would take. What?! I had no idea! Go Emma for being so awesome with the first bottle we gave her.

2. We have managed to transition to using cloth diapers. After our weeklong stint in the hospital after she was born, when we got her home we decided not to change from disposable diapers right away. As time passed by, I became more and more overwhelmed with the idea of cloth diapering, even though I had felt mostly prepared beforehand. Over time, however, we made the shift to using both cloth diapers and wipes. And it's kind of awesome that when we're running low on either it's not, "Oh!! One of us has to go to the store!" Rather it's, "Oh! We need to do a load of laundry!" Something else I've learned since having Emma is that cloth diapers is another thing some babies are particular about. They prefer some styles to others and may not "do well" in certain types. Meaning that the money spent loading up on diapers prior to having a baby is sometimes wasted and the supply has to be sold secondhand as the parents find out what the baby will be comfortable in. Again, this has not been a problem with Emma at all. We chose one particular brand because we liked how they worked. In fact, we took a cloth diapering class because there were so many choices and we were clueless. We ended up agreeing right away on the one that we wanted to try and that's the only one we ever purchased. And, because our daughter is awesome, she has been fine with them from the get-go.

3. Sleep. I mentioned this above, but it's worth listing here once again. Emma has been sleeping 5+ hours a night consistently for a while now, and she's only just 10 weeks old. I've met moms whose babies/toddlers/children STILL aren't sleeping through the night. I met a mom who went two weeks not getting more than 20 minutes of sleep at a time! What?! I can't imagine that! So sleep has been a gift for us, one that I'm extremely grateful for. Also, a side effect of this one is that because she sleeps so deeply that when she's really soundly asleep, she can be handed to multiple people and she doesn't wake up. Which has been a great quality for her to have so far in a family that loves her so much and has so many people who want to snuggle with her

4. But! She does have her moments where she's pretty inconsolable for a while. When those moments come we have to do a combination of things to try and help. They include changing her, feeding her, doing her exercises from physical therapy to wear her out, and usually/ultimately putting her in the wearable baby carrier. So far, this last step has always won in the end. A friend of mine told e that one of her kids LOVED being put in this type of carrier while the other one HATED it. While I was pregnant, I begged the universe that Emma would be a part of the first type of kid. And so far, she has been. I hope she continues to like snuggles as she gets older.

So we're about two and a half months into parenthood and, so far, we're surviving. And I just wanted to take a moment and share the ways our daughter's amazingness is contributing to that.

Also, I really hope that some day I'll be able to tackle the task of writing about my birth experience. It's special and personal and I really want to document it. I think I'll need my hubby's help remembering all the details and the timeline. Something to look forward to!

Weeks 35-37 and 5 days

I'll never catch up on everything that happened in the last couple weeks of my pregnancy. But here is a brief overview. I became more uncomfortable, especially with heartburn and lower pelvic pain. My doctor's appointments were filling the weeks. I anxiously awaited the induction scheduled for 38 weeks and 4 days on December 21st. Although, I also found myself grateful for the induction in a couple of ways. For instance, I had been concerned that I wouldn't know on my own whether or not I was in labor. I was afraid I'd miss something, like the "bloody show" or my water breaking. Having an induction scheduled mostly took those concerns off the table. And although we weren't going to be able to labor at home like we originally wanted to and planned, I had really started to come to terms with the change in plan.

On Monday, December 14th, I went to the hospital to meet with one of the Chaplains to which I'm assigned as a PAG member. We met in the Lighthouse Cafe, which is the dining option at the Women and Children's Hospital here locally. This particular Chaplain and his wife had just had a baby at the end of September. She, too, was scheduled for an induction. Once our time discussing the Chaplaincy program had been primarily exhausted, we then began to discuss baby things. I asked about equipment he found most and least helpful, things that surprised him, what it was like for him being a dad, etc. One helpful tip he shared was that he and his wife pre-registered for their induction. That way, when it came time for her to come in, the hospital already had her information and some of the time for logistics would already be taken care of. "Wonderful," I thought, "I can do that!" So after our meeting wound down, we said our goodbyes. I took up, intending to go to the labor and delivery floor to pre-register.

And my water broke...

Weeks 31-34

So much for weekly or every other week blogs, huh? Frankly, the last few weeks have been so full, stressful, and emotional, I've had a hard time imagining recounting it here. But I'm going to do my best to give an overview. 

Here's as comprehensive a description of the last month that I can do.

We had two more maternity photo shoots: one at Hugh MacRae Park and the other in Downtown Wilmington:
Thanks to Dan and his connection to fellow photographers in Wilmington, we were able to have these 2nd and 3rd shoots. All three of our shoots looked quite different and I appreciate the variations among them. See pictures below:

We attended a cloth-diapering class:

We ended up being the only two people there, which meant we got to have very personalized class and ask a bunch of questions. We have decided to try cloth diapering. Our favorite style of diaper/cover was called Best Bottom. We're hoping to be able to use the diapering service for at least 2-4 weeks after Emma is born, but I can't say for sure yet if that will really be able to happen. We've gotten several diaper covers and inserts. Hopefully we can make it work. I think the class really helped us understand a lot. Also, I think it will help that we have a set of friends with a newborn and they are also cloth diapering.

My coworkers threw me a surprise baby shower:
I was told by a coworker that we had an opportunity for a community presentation. I helped prepare for it, make packets, and print out information. I was feeling excited and nervous. She, our Social Worker, out Social Work Intern, and I headed over to the facility where the presentation was supposedly taking place. We walked into the private banquet dining area and my whole team was waiting for us. So was my mom! That was my favorite surprise, having her there. I don't actually like surprise parties. They make me uncomfortable for several reasons, but it was nice to have people there to celebrate Emma. The food was absolutely delicious and we got some cute things for Emma.

We had our moms come to our last ultrasound appointment with the specialist. They freaked out when the tech said Emma has hair:
The day after the baby shower, we had our next ultrasound. We had previously invited our moms to it. It was a visit full of highly mixed emotions. The positive ones: our moms really loved being there. The technician was giving a rather routine rundown of her body parts. "Here's her arms, these are her legs, this is her bladder, here's her stomach, this is her head, she has hair..." The tech didn't get any other words out before both moms exclaimed quite loudly about the hair comment. Both Dan and I were bald until we were between two and two and a half. This information was subsequently talked about to such a degree that I made a mental drinking game out of it, doing a "mental shot" ever time it was mentioned over the next week. And since this appointment, we have also been gifted several hair bows and a hair bow bolder.

We found out from my specialist that I'll likely have to be induced:
The more difficult things from that appointment included the information that I will likely have to be induced between 37-39 weeks. My appointments were increased exponentially as well. Beginning after this appointment, I've started having twice a week appointments to check Emma's BPP, or Biophysical Profile. Which means I have 2-4 visits a week, which will soon increase to 3-4 visits a week. I was overwhelmed by stress already, and the idea of balancing the additional appointments with work and other preparation...the stress was suffocating. So it was agreed by my doctor that going out on short term disability prior to Emma being born would be a good idea. I'm still trying to process what this all means.

We had our baby shower in Gastonia:
The Friday after this very emotional appointment, we headed over to Gastonia for our last baby shower. It was a whirlwind weekend. In addition to all the Rivers family and friends, my mom, aunt, and cousin also went. It was nice being around people. On the way up, however, I got a devastating call from one of my friends. She lives in the Gastonia area and was planning on coming to the shower. She got home after spending time with friends after work - to find her dad dead on the kitchen floor. She called me while the paramedics were still in the house. Heartbreaking doesn't even begin to describe how awful this all was. Before leaving for the weekend, we went to Lincolnton, where she lives, and spent a couple hours with her. I have so much love for her. I just wished, and still wish, there's more that I can do.

We wrote up our birth plan for the hospital:
We took resources given to us from our birthing class and our doula and we were able to write up our birth plan. I still need to print out several copies for our hospital bag, but otherwise it's done. We still need to work on our post-delivery plan. One more thing to add to the to-do list.

We attended a breastfeeding class:
On the recommendation of a friend with a newborn, we attended this very helpful class about breastfeeding. I've been worries about finding it too difficult and giving up. But after the class, I feel like I have a better understanding of the mechanics and biology of it all. Plus, we learned about potential obstacles that I think/hope we, as a team, will be able to get through.

Dan realized and point out that this will likely be her first Christmas:
This is still sinking for me. Dan had the idea to include his parents with my family's Christmas day. I've talked to my mom about it and we're going to bring it up on Thanksgiving to Dan's parents and see what they think about coming to Wilmington for the day. I hope that it works out. I'm also trying to figure out what ways we can specially mark the day. Considering I was originally thinking we'd have a year before her first Christmas, I feel a little worried about missed opportunities for celebration and marking the occasion.

My anger and frustration right now:
I have come to the deep and unassailable conclusion that I loathe FMLA and Short Term Disability paperwork and the corresponding hoops. I'm also dealing with guilt, sadness, and anger about time off before Emma comes, because it means I may not be able to take as much time off afterward. I feel guilty because I worry if I'd taken better care of myself, if I'd have been able to make it longer before going out of work. Of if I would have needed to go out of work at all before she was born. As it is, I cannot imagine working past this Wednesday. The day before Thanksgiving is my last day of work and I'm trying terribly hard to get through the next couple of days. It's very difficult to prep for about three months off. But I definitely do need the time off. I need a break. I need to work on preparations for our little one. I need to lessen my stress and take care of my other symptoms so I can keep her growing and developing as far as possible.

Hospital bag and post-delivery bag are on their way to being packed:
We've got quite a few items packed in these two bags. Most of what's left to pack is on our "last minute" list. Pajamas and nightgowns were purchased for the post- bag. Maybe I'll add our more complete list later.

As for Emma's growth, here are some of the things that have happened over the last four weeks.

31 Weeks:
Emma was getting near her birth height, but was still putting on weight. She began to turn her head easily. My Braxton-Hicks contractions started occurring more. It just feels like my stomach clenches up really tightly for several seconds and then lets go. Her senses were more fully intact and her immune system was getting stronger. Her brain and nerves continue to develop under her head, which is still really soft, because the bones that make up her skull are not yet fused together so that she can pass through the birth canal easier. In fact, her skull won't fuse into one solid piece until she's about two! Two! Isn't that crazy?! She might have been 17.5 inches tall. She likely weighed over 3.5lbs. Her size began crowding my lungs and started making it more difficult for me to breathe. I really felt, and still feel, this when trying to sing to my patients. My body may have started to produce colostrum, which is the first "food" she'll get from me. It was this week, that my phone app suggested we start a hospital bag.

32 Weeks:
She was probably sucking on her thumb and sprouting peach fuzz on her head. She's started to move her head downward, getting ready for birth. At this time, she weighed around 4lbs. She had fingernails and toenails. Emma was practicing her breathing quite a lot as well. My body is producing an extra 50% of blood to help keep Emma "snug and safe" and help me prepare for the blood I'll lose during childbirth. I've been peeing way more too! And I really started to hurt more after sitting or lying for a long period of time. It has been taking me several minutes of waddling before I can walk more normally and comfortably. I always thought it was a woman's pregnant belly that caused this walking. For me, at least, it's more the relaxin my body is producing to loosen my bones and ligaments, preparing for birth. So when I sit and lie down, they start to spread open. When I stand, they very painfully start to push back together.

33 Weeks:
Emma was almost at birth height and kept putting on fat. Her bones were hardening so she can support herself once she's no longer in my belly. I've almost reached the point where I don't get much bigger, which is a relief because my "dimensions" make my normal activities harder. Basically, any getting up and standing is hard, not to mention that anything requiring any amount of stamina started to become more difficult as well. Emma is likely between 17-19 inches tall and could weigh between 4-6lbs. This is when it's really becoming individualized, so it's harder to estimate her weight. She's expecting to put on about half a pound a week until she is born. She was beginning to keep her eyes open when she's awake. Because my amniotic fluid level have reached a maximum and Emma keeps growing, her more "violent" kicks supposedly would become more of a rolling motion. But I definitely still feel her kick and twitch quite a bit. I'm definitely having a harder time getting around. I've been having to be more intentional in my own movements so I'm careful with my belly and Emma. Sleeping has become much more difficult as well. I wake up with sore/sleeping limbs. I'm having to wear a wrist brace more often now because of the pain in my left wrist, especially while I sleep.

34 Weeks:
The slippery coat that protects Emma's skin from drying out is starting to fall off. Her immune system keeps getting stronger. But as she gets stronger, I start to fade. Confusion and blurry vision are fairly commons, although I've mostly been having trouble with the former, not the latter. Right now, she's about 18 inches, and weighs in the neighborhood of 5lbs. Generally babies born as early as this do just fine. Which is a crazy thing to think about. Her lungs, brain, and central nervous system keep rapidly developing and all but the lungs are reaching their final stage of development. I wonder why the lungs take long and/or come last in development? She's using my own immune system to help build her own. The vernix caseosa, which will coat her skin and help her move through the birth canal, is starting to cover her. She's peeing up to a pint a day! That's so strange! And she's preparing the meconium for her first poop. My feet are continually awful and swollen. They stay large and puffy long after I stand on them and it takes quite a bit of elevation before they get some relief. I've had to buy a pair of boots. They are now the third of only three pairs of shoes that currently fit! My hormones are preparing my pelvis for delivery. My expanding pelvis is also likely the culprit for my increased lower back pain.

Here are the most difficult things I'm dealing with: my tiredness and lack of stamina, my left wrist pain, pain when sleeping (especially my right shoulder and left hip), increased need to pee, the extreme difficulty standing and walking after sitting or lying down for a while, terribly swollen feet and ankles, and crazy amounts of crying, panic, and stress. Overall, I'm not feeling ready for Emma. I'm hoping and praying that the time off I'm going to get before she comes will help me feel more mentally prepared for her. I doubt I'll ever feel fully ready. But being able to chip away at our to-do list, while also having the chance to breathe and rest, will hopefully be a good combination.

29 and 30 Weeks

Another post with lots to report.

Since I last wrote, we've had our Wilmington baby shower. It was VERY well attended and we got lovely things. Many things that were beautiful, many that were practical, and a few that crossed into both categories. One thing is for certain after the shower; Emma should never be cold. We got countless handmade blankets for her. Some were family heirlooms, some were made for her, all were special. I kept imagining her lying on them for pictures. Some of the gifts we best remember off the top of our heads Dan's baby carrier and diaper bag, a pink hippo rattler in honor of a family friend who died who loved hippos, a handmade green smocked outfit for Emma, embroidered goodies made by Dan's aunt, my diaper bag with "W-R" on it in aqua, and a ultrasound piece of art made by Gray, my cousin.

My brother really wanted to get us the car seat that we registered for, but it was constantly out of stock. So he ended up giving us a gift card to go toward that purchase. In a lot of ways, I'm really glad it didn't work out that he got the car seat, because after the shower I did some exhausting and frustrating research about car seats, strollers, and their combos called "travel systems." I became quite overwhelmed with all the statistics and reviews. Eventually, however, we chose a Graco travel system, tried it out in person at a local Toys-R-Us, and then used two gifts cards to purchase it at target.com. It came super quickly and now we have a car seat and stroller, which count for two of the biggest items on my "priority list." So yay for my brother!

Also, since my last blog, Dan and Alan rocked putting down the flooring in the nursery, living, and dining areas of the house. And they even managed to accomplish it all in one day, rather than in two. Which means Dan also got to relax the Sunday of that weekend, which he really needed. On the Saturday that they worked, my job was mostly to stay out of the house and provide lunch when it was time. So I spent the morning at my mom and dad's house completing my list of people who I wanted to write thank you notes for. I had an extremely frustrating conversation with both of my parents, individually, about doula services. My dad's tone of voice most resembled disgust. The stress of these conversations weights extremely heavily on me. Last Wednesday, I worked very hard to process my thoughts in a written form that I could share with them. My key points of communication were: They don't have to be pro-doula, but they do have to respect our decision to have a doula. Their negativity was causing me stress, which is not good for me nor is it good for Emma, so I would not be accepting it anymore. And I printed out a few different articles about doulas that included a combination of information and statistics. I think we have gotten to a point where I can talk with them in the future and not feel so anxious, angry, and stressed. In short, I think the conversation went about as well as it could have.

Back to the Saturday with the flooring. The second big thing that kept me out of the house was first ever "birth circle" at a local place called Tmuffin. My friend Machelle and I, along with her newborn, Emmie, met with several other moms and moms-to-be. Members in the group shared their birth stories. I shared my pregnancy story and about my parents. The group helped me process further what I ended up sharing above. One thing is for sure, the more I learn, the happier I am with our decision to hire Julie as our doula.

After the flooring was completed, Dan went to my parents' and got all the shower gifts and our crib and mattress! This past weekend, he put the crib together! The nursery is really starting to come together and look like a place where Emma could live! Some of the big items we still need are a bassinet for our bedroom, because that's where she'll sleep for the first little while. We would like to have a glider and ottoman that we've registered for. A big thing about that for me is that we have such a small home, that we don't have a lot of chairs. In the nursery right now, there is only a rocker that has been in my family for decades. I'm hoping that we get the glider/ottoman so that I have a place to sit, as does anyone else visiting us. We would also like a second car seat for Dan's car. Although, for a while we could probably make due with the one we have, especially while I'm on maternity leave.

Yesterday was our last birthing class at the hospital. I hope to take the time soon and type up all my notes from the class because there was so much information that I feel certain I need to review it. Another big item on our agenda soon needs to be calling a pediatrician's office and seeing if we or I can schedule a time for a tour. I think our first choice right now is a place called Carolina Pediatrics. Two doctor's offices were recommended to us when I asked on an online parenting group. But with the second office, from my understanding, you have to take that office's particular birthing classes and frankly, there's just no time for that.

As of now, Dan and I have had three maternity photo shoots. The first one, we did at Fort Fisher near Carolina Beach. I wore a long striped sun dress with a bright blue short-sleeved sweater. Dan wore a bright blue shirt with khaki pants. The day was quite cloudy for most of the shoot, but several of the shots were absolutely lovely. We did get about 10-15 minutes of sunshine breaking through the clouds, which led to some awesome silhouetted photos. Then we did a shoot downtown by the boardwalk. We dressed up a bit more for that one. Dan wearing a cranberry colored button up shirt and his gray suit pants. I wore a dark purple dress with a shawl that turned out not to coordinate with my dress as much as I hoped it would. But from the "teaser" photos I've seen so far, I especially like the black and white photos in those outfits. The last shoot was a Hugh MacRae park. I really liked what we wore then. I had a dark gray sweater dress with a periwinkle tank top underneath. I also wore tall black boots I just got to accommodate my swollen pregnancy feet. Through the loving efforts of a friend and an amazing hairdresser, Dan and I also were both able to get haircuts before these last two shoots, making me feel much more comfortable about our curliness for the photos. The teasers from the park shoot have been nice so far. I can't wait to see more!

Yesterday, I went for a routine appointment at my ob/gyn. Everything was going okay for a while. I learned that the pelvic/groin pain I've been experiencing is "normal." Which is both good and bad. The good part is huge because it means that nothing is wrong. The bad news is that I have to cope with the pain. It occurs most when I've slept through the night and first try to stand. But it's also quite awful when I try to get up after sitting for a while. The doctor explained that my pelvic bones and muscles are practicing stretching outward to eventually prepare for birth. But that also means, that each time I stand that pain ensues because the muscles and bones are having to move closer together again. Fun stuff! The less fun stuff happened in the appointment when they checked Emma's heart rate. It has been in the low to mid 150s my entire pregnancy. But yesterday, it was in the 190s. The doctor said she was moving around a ton, which could cause the heart rate spike. But she wanted to monitor is because having moments of her heart rate being that high was okay, but it was a concern if it stayed there. So they tried to get me in a belly band with a heart and uterus monitor. However, Emma was moving around so much, they weren't able to catch her heart rate for more than a few seconds at a time. Acknowledging that their machine was not the best, they decided to send me to triage at the hospital. I cannot even begin to say how much I didn't want that to happen. But of course I wanted to make sure things were okay, so to the hospital I headed. In the meantime, I updated Dan via text. I didn't think he would or could come. But he shared that when he went to update his boss that he started to cry, and then told me that he needed to come; for his own peace of mind. Thinking of him getting choked up and worried made me cry too. So we both ended up at the hospital with my belly being monitored for quite some time. Definitely not how I had been hoping the day would go. But they said everything looked find. Her rate stayed within good limits. My blood pressure and heart rate also looked okay. They made sure I had an appointment set up soon for a follow-up, otherwise I think they would have scheduled me for one.

A couple things we did learn from the on-call doctor are that my doctors might start checking my BPP, or biophysical profile. These are numbers that will tell them if I need to have Emma sooner rather than later, especially with my gestational diabetes. She also talked about how I might need to be induced, also because of the GDS. The word "toxic" was used to describe what sugar is to my placenta. Basically, it sounds like sugar will cause the placenta to potentially break down sooner than a healthy placenta. All in all, having gestational diabetes just sucks on so many levels. I now have a list of questions I want to talk to one of my doctors about next week. Speaking of, that's also our next ultrasound. We've invited both of our moms. I'm not totally happy about the thoughts of them in the room with us. I think I invited them more out of a sense of obligation. My mom has been blunt and very clear for months that she wanted to be at an ultrasound. And I couldn't invite my mom without also inviting Dan's. I hope it'll be okay. We do think that we'll ask them to leave at some point when we want to talk with the doctor about some of our concerns. I'd just feel more comfortable overall if it was just us in those times.

As for Emma these past couple of weeks. At week 29, she was compared in size to a pineapple. She is supposedly getting big enough that her larger movements won't be potent. That's what they SAY but I certainly haven't felt that yet because her movement still get me to jumping on a regular basis. Her size is definitely increasing my acid reflux and indigestion. I've been having more trouble sleeping because of it. Her lungs and muscles continue to mature and I've been encouraged to keep up protein and iron intake. Soon, her movements are supposed to plateau to the point they'll stay for the remainder of my pregnancy. Hormones are relaxing my muscle tissues which are preparing me for birth. At the same time, this may be causing some of my pain and indigestion. Super!

At week 30, she is compared to the size of a cantaloupe or butternut squash, depending on the source. Her lanugo, or body hair, may be falling off as she prepares for delivery. She's supposedly going to be putting up to half a pound a week until she is born. Her eyes are in place but still developing. She can open them, but her vision is extremely poor. At this point, most babies will move from a breech position to the placement that makes it easier for birth. Head down! Apparently, I could also notice the return of mood swings. Well, that is for damn sure because I have been weepy and angry at some point nearly every day for a while now. I've also been sleepy more, which is not surprising considering I'm having more difficulty sleeping. It doesn't help when we have dreary, rainy days like today.

On our agenda this week: writing our birth plan! Dan's parents are also coming on Saturday. His dad will help with the shoe molding in the house. His mom and I will probably run a couple errands together. And then I'm hoping for a Sunday of more progress in the house. More soon!

Photos from these past couple weeks:

28 Weeks

What a busy time it's been lately! So many things to share about in this blog. So much that I'm sure I'll forget something. So I think chronologically listing things will be the best choice for most complete recall. This has also been the most Emma-focused week we've had so far during my pregnancy.

Last Monday, we started out birthing classes at the hospital. I appreciate our main instructor. She'll be teaching us 3 out of our 4 classes. Because of the short duration, we dove right in. The information was overwhelming, but good. I'm grateful that we're doing it. I imagine most things will come through coaching and instinct when the time for labor finally arrives, but hopefully something will be able to be recalled in the moment because of the information we've been exposed to. 

Last Wednesday, Sally and Alan (one of my co-workers and her husband) came over and Dan and Alan discussed putting in the flooring we've bought. My goal to be helpful beforehand, is to pack up small things like DVDs and books, so that shelves and whatnot can be more easily moved for flooring installation. Alan seemed pretty positive about the process, even though it seems completely overwhelming to me. My main goal during the initial weekend when they'll work is to stay out of the house and out of the way. Hopefully, I'll also run 1-2 food runs each day. I still want to do something as a thank-you for him. Not sure what it'll be yet.

On Thursday, it was the busiest day yet. We had two doctor's appointments, one with our specialist, and one with an NP at the regular ob-gyn office. The two appointments were back-to-back and wore me OUT. One of the best moments was when they switched the ultrasound screen over to a 3D image of Emma. It was not something we planned on, nor were we expecting it to happen. But all of a sudden, there she was. She looked like a real person. She has adorable chunky cheeks and a developing personality already! She was also very clearly tired of being poked during the process, because she was throwing up her arms in a clear "Stop it!" gesture. I was very weepy actually seeing her squishy little face. Then, after we left the second appointment, we drove to my parents' house to borrow their truck. We went and picked up the flooring which at arrived at the store. Once we came home, wonderful Dan unloaded it all by himself because even single boxes were much too heavy for me to pick up. Then, back to my parents' we traveled to return the truck, the off to Dan's softball game (which they won!). Finally, we came home and both crashed from that very loooong day.

Friday was our second meeting with our doula. Although, it was our first official meeting with her after we'd decided to hire her. She asked lots of questions and started filling out some informational paperwork on us. We also began the conversation around our birth plan. Here's what I know so far: I want to labor at home for as long as possible. As soon as I think I'm in labor, I'll call Julie and she'll come over. I have also decided that I don't want to let anyone know my labor has begun yet because I want to contain things for as long as possible. Julie went over some labor positions I could be in. I also got my baby carrier from her; the one with all the good mojo. It felt like a wonderful conversation overall.. She also left me with three books and a set of affirmation cards. I plan on going through, picking out my favorites, and making my own group. I want to make sure this is in there: "I can do this." It may sound simple, but I feel like it's going to be a very important message to remind myself.

Saturday brought Dan's parents into town for our first baby shower! I had been needlessly worried that people would say hurtful things, but everyone was so sweet. Several family members, friends, and Wrightsboro people came. We got lovely gifts. They were a combination of practical and personalized. The food was delicious, the sweet support was overwhelming, and the whole experience was fun, exhausting, and wonderful. The rain even held off until after the shower. We took all the gifts to my parents' house so we have less things here during our flooring adventure. So while I'm sad not to have things here to go through and play with, I am grateful for the place to hold things during our renovation. Some of the gifts that really stood out to me: a handmade blanket Dan used in his childhood that was made by his great-grandma Justice; my awesome diaper bag that my mom got "W-R" embroidered on; a handmade smocked outfit from a Wrightsboro church member; a fancy bouncer/mover that we'll be able to put Emma in and have her automatically moving to hopefully comfort her; and Dan's baby carrier! It was a lovely, tiring, smiley time. 

Sunday, we slept in. Dan started pulling up the carpet in the nursery while I began on some thank you notes. Then I took a late shower to keep my hair as frizz-less as possible because we were getting our first round of maternity photos taken! We went down to Fort Fisher and took photos in the amazing and crooked trees down there as well as on the beach. I was worried that the sun wouldn't make any appearance during our shoot, but we got 10-15 minutes of glorious sunshine with beautiful and colorful clouds. I only saw a few pictures on her camera, but I liked them. I can't wait to see more! But it may take 1-2 weeks before we do. I'll just have to hold my breath!

As I said, a very busy week!

As for me this week, I'm officially in my third trimester! How crazy is that!? Apparently, her viability percentage at this point is around 80%. Each week I keep her in and cooking, the better off she is! As for my symptoms this week, I'm still dealing with carpal tunnel in my hands. My heartburn has been worse, but I was told at the doctor that I'm not taking as much Zantac as I could, so thankfully I've increased the dosage of that and have been able to get a couple nights with better sleep. Emma is doing wonderfully. At 28 weeks on the nose, most of her measurements were between 28 weeks 5 days and 29 weeks 3 days. They estimate that she's currently around three pounds. My app tells me she's the size of a coconut or a head of cauliflower. Emma is getting better at controlling her own body temperature, which is major for the pregnancy because it means she is getting closer to sustaining herself. Also, her adrenal glands are now secreting androgen or estrogen, which signal to my body to begin lactation. She also continues to dream, but about what, who knows?! I also feel her kick all the time. Some of her kicks and punches pack a wallop and make me jump! Many of the people I'm around on a regular basis have learned what these jumps mean and usually just ask, "Emma?" smilingly. Yep, usually.

That's all for now! More soon!

26 & 27 Weeks

Well first off, my blood pressure has been better as I've been checking in. I think dropping out of a few things has really helped lower my anxiety. Laughter also helps. Which occurred with an absolutely ridiculous interaction: One morning recently, I was reaching up into a kitchen cabinet to get a jar of peanut butter. In the process, I knocked down a container of cocoa powder...which opened and spilled EVERYWHERE. All over the counter, the fronts of the kitchen drawers, the stove, the floor, and on me. All over my shirt and the brand new pair of pants I finally broke down and bought to accommodate my baby belly. This morning, Dan happened to have a late morning for work. He was lying back down in bed, but I went into the bedroom, stunned at what happened. I managed to share that I needed help. He popped out of bed ready to do what he could. He even managed to keep his laughing to a minimum! Then he had the goofy and brilliant suggestion to vacuum the powder up. The best part is that he vacuumed my outfit. You read that right. He vacuumed my outfit. I was shaking with giggles the whole time. But it really helped! My outfit was wearable! I swear, I felt like I was in an "I Love Lucy" episode.  

Having these moments of giggles have been good when they come, because my temper and patience have been shorter. I have been using Dan as a sounding board to find out when my feelings are somewhat reasonable and when they're really off kilter. For example, my mom keeps trying to get me to decide about things that are much lower on my priority list right now - like what outfit I want to have to wear at the hospital after the baby is born. That's much lower on my than other things. And Dan pointed out that I still have a whole trimester, therefore three months, to go before my due date. So buying something this early on would probably not be a good idea. Also, she wanted me to pick something out so she could give it to me at our baby shower next weekend, and I'm pretty uncomfortable with the idea of opening a gift with clothing in my size. I'm very self-conscious about it. There was one time this week, though, when I didn't feel like they were though. Dan and I have decided to hire a doula. It's a concept we first became familiar with several years ago through friends, and the more I learn about it, the more comfortable and hopeful I feel about having a compassionate, informed advocate on our side. I shared this news with my mom and met with a surprising amount of resistance. When I've tried to talk with her about it, she's been extremely closed off and snarky. She won't open up to me about why she's so seemingly angry about it, but it's intense. It all came to a head this morning and I think that the topic is something I will be uncomfortable broaching for a long while. My main concern now is that Julie, who we want to hire, will be treated poorly by my mom. Learning from her reaction, we decided to try a different approach with Dan's parents and wrote them an email that included Julie's contract as well as a couple articles about what doulas are. Now I'm anxiously awaiting a response from them.

On another note, Emma has been moving around like crazy this week! I'm finally seeing her move in my abdomen, though Dan hadn't yet. So one afternoon, when she was particularly wiggly, I video taped it and send it to Dan. Then later, I shared it with our moms and a couple friends. So much fun! And by now he's seen it in person too!

As for me, I'm still facing acid reflux. Between that and some hip pain, sleeping is becoming a more of an obstacle. I keep hoping for some pretty good sleep before Emma arrives, because I know once she's here, sleep will become a rare commodity. As for Emma, she's was the size of a butternut squash at 26 weeks and is now the size of a "bunch of bananas" or a large cucumber at 27 weeks. Both of my apps say that Emma is over 2lbs now and around 15 or so inches long. It just seems so big!

I've read that I could start having contractions as my body prepares for birth. Emma is plumping up so she'll be ready to regulate her own body temperature after she's born. Her eyes are finally starting to open and she'll be more responsive to light, which we've definitely found to be true when we held a light up to my stomach! She definitely moved around when it was there. She's borrowing some of my antibodies to help her immune system. Soon, I'll get my flu shot at work so she'll be even better taken care of. Most of her bodily systems are intact and most of the rest of her development revolves around putting on height and weight. The doctor's office has added an iron supplement to my daily list of "to take" things. My recent blood tests show that I'm slightly anemic. So...it's been added and hopefully it's doing what it needs to.  

Next week, I'll be starting my third trimester! We have back to back appointments with the specialist and with the nurse practitioner. When we go to the doctor, we'll have our next ultrasound. They're also going to do an echo of Emma's heart. Apparently, when moms-to-be at their practice have some of the risk factors that I do, that's one of the things they do; check the heart more fully. I really hope everything's okay.

Last thing for now: I had been trying to come to terms with the reality that we couldn't hire someone to take photos of Dan and me while I'm pregnant. I had really been wanting that because it's a really special time and it may or may not be the only time we experience pregnancy and expecting a baby. I cried to him one night, realizing that there were so many other things we needed to spend money on. Instead of letting the subject die there, he reached out to a photography group he's involved with. Within 24 hours, we had three photographers step up to say they would take "trade for" photos for us. Trade for, or "tf" means that they'll be free, though the photographer will be able to use them on their websites and whatnot. It's like what Dan does with many of his models. We're hoping to do shoots at the beach, at a local park, and downtown. I've been thinking about outfits we might wear to each. I was so excited and grateful! So we'll have even more photographs to document this time than I could have hoped for!

24 & 25 Weeks

One of the big things happening these past couple of weeks is that I've been having trouble with my blood pressure. It's caused a couple extra doctor visits. Now I'm having to track my blood pressure as well as my sugar. Luckily, one of the nurses I work with was able to share an automatic blood pressure cuff with me so I can keep track of it at home. Acid reflux is still a terrible thing. In the past month, I think I've only had one night where I wasn't woken up because of the terrible burning.

Some good and productive things that have happened are more cleaning and purging. Dan's dad came up this weekend and the two of them moved the china cabinet from the front bedroom (nursery in progress) into our bedroom. Then they also put together the dresser for the nursery. We also picked out and bought a paint color! It's a lovely and bright lighter blue. And the light pink curtains with small white polka dots arrived. The next bigger project will be the painting. I really wish I could help with that, but we weren't able to find the chemical and fume free paint. Maybe I can at least help with the taping.

Invitations for our Wilmington baby shower were supposed to go into the mail today! We went to Target and updated our registry there. It feels like there's so much to do and get done! Not to mention, still so much to get. Some of the main items I know we need include: a bassinet for our room for baby to sleep in, a car seat, a stroller, a baby monitor, and sheets for the bed. There are a ton more things we want and need, of course. And several things that will make our world a little easier.

We met with a potential doula this week as well. I wasn't sure for a while if it was something I would want to consider. But when friends had their baby this last week and talked about the amazing value of having their midwife, I decided I wanted to look into doula services. Especially when I had a severe moment of panic where I felt completely overwhelmed - specifically about a birth plan. One conversation with Julie helped me feel validated and already much more comfortable. We've decided we want to hire her. We just need to get the funds figured out so we can compensate her. Another wonderful thing about meeting with her is that I got to try on some baby wearing gear. I'd been worried about being too plus sized for them. But she brought a couple I could try on after our more official meeting. One of them fit particularly well and was comfortable, not to mention beautiful. But the story behind it made me love it even more. Several years ago, she had it custom made for a doula client that she had a personal connection with. Julie even helped design it and picked out the material. When that mom was finished with it, she sold it to another mom...who sold it to another mom...who eventually consigned it. Julie found it in a consignment shop and bought it back! So in addition to fitting well and looking beautiful, it's got all this wonderful mojo. I plan to buy it from her so I can wear our tiny one out and about. 

One speed bump along the way with this is that my first conversation with my mom about wanting to hire a doula was not very good. She was not receptive to the notion and passive aggressively talked about the doctor's potential problem with it. Julie has worked with doctors at Glen Meade before and she's on the Family Life Committee at this hospital this year. She's responsible, professional, and will not be getting in the way of the doctors. But frankly, it sounds like the MDs will be much less present until the actual pushing. Julie would be there to help with natural pain management, support for Dan, helping me find positions to be in for comfort and to help with labor. And she'll be a neutral person on our birthing team to help us do the best to create and follow through our birth plan. Moreover, she'll also stick around after we have the baby to help us set up in our house, help me with breastfeeding, and so forth. I plan to have a face to face conversation with mom about doula services. But I have an event for work I need to get through first.

As for baby, these past two weeks she has been the size of an eggplant to a rutabaga and napa cabbage. I checked out the latter two when we went to the grocery store tonight. It seems so big! I also feel her move all throughout the day now, especially when I'm sitting still. Her heart rate continues to be in the mid 150s at the doctor. I'm finally not feeling nervous waiting to hear it, because her movement lets me know she's okay. Also this week, I saw my stomach move with one of her kicks! Dan hasn't been able to catch that yet, but I hope he will soon. My apps also let me know that she's plumping up some now. She can supposedly detect and respond to light and, of course, she continues to hear me better each week. Her nostrils are starting to open and the air sacs in her lungs continue to develop, priming her to breathe air in just a few months. She has hit a milestone with her lungs, meaning she is getting more to the point of viability outside the womb

A side project I decided to work on is gathering artwork from friends for the nursery. As it is, including Dan and me, there will be nine pieces of original artwork at this time. I'm excited to surround her with beautiful things made with love.

In the next few weeks, some of the things we're looking forward to most are birthing classes, going to Pfeiffer's homecoming, and going to the Renaissance Festival in Concord with my friend Lynda. I'm especially looking forward to Pfeiffer. I've been getting particularly sentimental about going where our relationship began; especially as we are on the cusp of a huge change in our relationship and family status.

More soon!

22 & 23 Weeks

This has been a busy past couple of weeks. Therefore, I'm behind on writing and decided to combine my 22nd and 23rd weeks of pregnancy into one blog.

Last week, my husband, mom, dad, and I traveled to Maryland for my cousin Michelle's wedding. Three out of the four of us were sick and we were all sharing a hotel room. It made for some very awful nights with little sleep. Two things that have significantly gotten worse these past couple of weeks are acid reflux and carpel tunnel type tingling in my hands and fingers. Both have been making me very uncomfortable. For the first one, I had to sleep in the chair in the hotel room more often than the bed, because sitting up sleeping helped gravity work in my favor. But it didn't stop me from having a night where I spent most of the time in the bathroom, my upset body trying to vomit all the acid from my stomach. The whole experience was pretty terrible. For the most part, though, I enjoyed the time with my family. I don't get to see this side very often, but being sick was making it really hard to fully engage. Also, I was officiating the wedding, so I had nerves preparing for that. But I think it all worked out. I even managed to keep some of my voice that, though husky, was able to project without a microphone for the ceremony. 

The third symptom that has been more difficult this week is that my feet and ankles have been swelling significantly. I spent most of the reception sitting at the table, with my legs propped up in Dan's lap. He sweetly held glasses with ice to my ankles to help me feel better. One of my aunt's friends told her to tell me that I had the sweetest husband. Don't I know it. I am very grateful for his loving nature and his kind attentiveness while I've been pregnant. I didn't want to miss any of the reception because, as I said, I don't get to see these family members often. So we stayed the whole time; me with my feet propped and Dan being sweet and awesome. 

One other significant interaction from the wedding weekend was seeing my biological grandmother for the first time in 11 years. That's also how long it's been since we've spoken to each other. While the story behind all that is much too long and exhaustive for me to want to get into now, suffice it to say that I was feeling quite anxious about seeing her and what our interactions would bring. Specifically, I was worried about two things. 1) A feeling of forced intimacy, as though the past decade plus would not have mattered. And 2) That she was recently in touch with my biological mom and I felt very possessive of my personal information. For example, I didn't want my biological mom to know anything about me being pregnant or even how I was doing overall. I don't feel like she deserves to know. I think this interaction my by grandmother went as well as it could have. We were kind to one another, nothing felt forced either positively or negatively, and she went out of her way to get several outfits for Emma in a variety of sizes. As for the latter worry, she explained to my aunt that she is no longer in touch with my biological mother. Whether it's true or not, I felt a bit relieved to hear it. 

At the end of our trip to Maryland, Emma had been gifted several outfits, a bib, a burp cloth, and a small crocheted pink sweater ornament. What a lucky girl she is. Although, I do admit that as of today, only having just over 16 weeks left in my pregnancy feels like nothing for all that we have left to do! I just have to hope that we will somehow manage. Speaking of tasks left to do, we also ordered the laminate flooring we hope to put down in the house instead of our very old carpet. It's currently backordered, so it'll be a few weeks before it arrives and then can be put in. I have to keep telling myself to breathe. Somehow it will work. "Perfect" is not something I'm trying to achieve. I'm just trying to prepare our house enough that a baby would be able to eat, sleep, and poop. That's more manageable right? We registered at Target the Monday after arriving home from Maryland. It was both fun and overwhelming. I am grateful for the two showers that are being discussed for the Autumn. I hope they will help me feel a bit more prepared. In the meantime, I want us to pick out a paint color for the nursery and get to work on that while we're waiting for the flooring to arrive. 

At the end of so many days sharing a hotel room and car with my parents, I was definitely ready to get back home and life with Dan again. But before our trek home, we were hit with some devastating news. When we got into our car after the wedding, my mom had two missed calls - one from my aunt, one from my cousin. My mom said she had a bad feeling, especially because they knew we were at Michelle's wedding. My mom called them both back. She couldn't reach my aunt, but she did manage to get my cousin. She quickly started crying at the news she was told. She got off the phone as soon as she could to tell us that a friend's husband shot and killed himself that night. My mom was sobbing in the back seat, and I was sitting in the front seat, absolutely stunned. Somewhere in the haze that followed, it occurred to me that this family might ask me to do the funeral for them. Our families are very interconnected and I had officiated a funeral for another family member earlier this year. I spent most of the night thinking and then writing out some thoughts that I might could use in a service, if asked.

Sure enough, on Monday, my aunt called me and passed along a message. I think the assumption that I would officiate was so prevailing, that I never got officially asked. Rather, I was just checked with that a certain day and time would work for me. I spent a huge amount of my week preparing. Not just the writing, but the thinking, grieving, crying, pondering, and feeling. It was the hardest funeral I've ever had to do. And the most attended. So many people were present to know and support the family. And I think it's part of why I postponed writing this blog for so long. Because these past two weeks of my pregnancy have been much overshadowed by other life events; Michelle's wedding and Jon's death. 

But as for my pregnancy, here are some of my thoughts and updates. This week marked a change on things feeling much harder. The swelling, the tingling hands that inhibit certain tasks, and the acid reflux which has particularly made sleeping difficult, are all very prevalent. I've been trying not to complain much. I acknowledge the difficulties, don't get me wrong, and I share them with Dan whenever I need to. But I keep remembering hearing friends in the past complaining about their pregnancies, when I wasn't pregnant and longing to be. And it would make me so bitter. I would be so frustrated at their insensitivity in sharing their complaints with me. I felt like the worst recipient of their comments because I kept thinking, "Stop complaining to me! At least you're pregnant!" And there are definitely people I could never and would never share these thoughts with. But I have still found myself crying these past couple of weeks, wondering if I could handle these symptoms getting worse. Then also imagining what other symptoms may come along the way. As it is, my nurses at work are having to check my blood pressure regularly because the doctor's office is worried that it's a factor in my swollen feet. Which could be a precursor to preeclampsia. If either number in my blood pressure gets above 140/90, then I'm supposed to call them and/or come in. And it's been close a couple times. 

At 22 weeks, Emma was the size of corn on the cob. This week, she is the size of a bunch of grapes. I've also learned that her face has fully formed and is just waiting for more fat to fill it out some. Her ears are still developing and her sense of hearing is greatly improving. Also, her blood vessels are continuing to develop in her lungs to help her breathe! And she is definitely starting to kick more! I feel it and know that it's what I'm feeling - finally! Now I've been trying to help Dan feel it. No luck on that front yet, but I can just imagine the look on his face when it happens for the first time. *Update since writing this just a few hours ago! Dan felt Emma move! I pulled him over because she seemed particularly wiggly. He held his hand on my lower stomach. After a minute, he sweet voice got higher and hmhe said, "I think I felt her!!" O got very emotional. I tried not to cry too much while he was still feeling because it makes it harder to feel. It was such a sweet, special moment. Today, I also finished my first ever blanket and I made it for Emma. So that makes row milestones today. 

This past Sunday, September 6th, was our 13th engagement anniversary. It's been 13 years since he proposed and we really decided that we wanted to spend our lives together. We went downtown and had lunch at a riverside restaurant. We then followed that with dessert at a new crepe place. And Emma was kicking the whole time we were there! Dan shared a post on facebook that we were checking out Betsey's Crepes for the first time; and he wrote that he was there with me and Emma. It still makes me smile thinking about how he included her. Which brings me to my final thought for this week. I have a new favorite word. It's "daughter."

Until next time!